Fine? I'm "fine" ...nothing is wrong, Im always "fine" . I'm successful, I'm doing great, what am I worried about? I only talk here when Im not doing well. The new job has not been more stressful than the last. But not less so. Its different. I convinced them im fine and so I have to keep up the front. I have to hold it together when I feel like im falling apart. I have to give them some sense of closure, a feeling that they have helped me. But really, who's to say I can "recover?" How can I even begin to attempt to "recover" from something that has impacted my whole life, something that so fundamentally changed who (and what) I am? Yes, Im a superhuman. From what I can tell, theres no going back. Is "recovery" even possible, and what would that even look like? Some people say it would be a life without superpowers. A normal life. That is so laughably unattainable for me now. It has become clear to me that I will always need help. Left to my own devices I fall apart. My grasp of reality becomes tenuous and I lose the sense of who I am and what Im doing. I start acting on my own random subconscious impulses. Maybe thats the stress talking. Maybe I just need to relax. My worst fears become self-fulfilling prophecies if I give them too much attention. Im afraid of inviting people over in case I hurt them...even other superhumans. There may be a few exceptions but...theyre probably busy and I dont want to bother them. If only I wasnt so afraid of destroying everything I touch. Maybe I can just get other people to handle the sensitive cases, the ones requiring finesse. If i fail at things, i can always hope they wont give me the task again. I wish they would stop giving me paperwork. I always have to redo it. But...What if I just stopped being afraid of this? Like what if it was just no big deal. Things can be destroyed. Its not like im trying to destroy the world.
