Broken for God

"I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel." Psalm 31:12 (ESV) God honors our brokenness but we must humbly admit our brokenness before him if he is to transform us.  For addicts in recovery, transformation is possible if we are desperate for the Lord.  Contact Info: [email protected]

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Hi, I had an amazing time connecting with a therapist friend of mine and decided that this experience combined with talking to my own therapist, propelled me to stop hiding. Since I was writing anonymously on this blog, I didn’t have to fear rejection or being labeled as a fraud. Yet not sharing who I was made me feel like I was deceiving myself or at least avoiding the painful fear of being seen as incompetent as a therapist who still struggles with anxiety, fear, and a myriad of addictions including sex/porn addiction. If this resonates with you, please remember we are our own worst enemies in shaming ourselves and this no longer has to be. @DrSamLouie

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Sex Addict since Seven

I was a sex addict,

starting at seven,

no I didn’t have sex then,

but the stage was set

and developing.

Disconnected at home,

with parents speaking Chinese,

and no language for love,

I found it elsewhere,

in a stash of sleeze.

Magazines,

make-out scenes,

lingerie ads,

porn scrambled on tv,

My young eyes transfixed

on what I thought was love,

on an illusion,

a fake,

a counterfeit,

hooked on intensity,

longing for intimacy,

a boy devoured by sexuality,

a boy,

yearning for so much more.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Hunger and Thirst (for you Lord)

Lord, I hunger for you, my hunger gnaws and claws, waiting to be filled, anything less than you, is nothing more than junk food.

You sustain me, replenish me, with your Word, your people, your righteousness, you satisfy me with nothing more, nothing less, than an appetite, and hunger for you, now I want more, so I can live my life, aligned with your will.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Growth

Like the rings of a tree,

growth will differ,

year to year,

even month to month,

yet we honor,

what nature throws at us.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Starve the Eyes

Stay off the internet,

don’t watch the news,

avoid magazine stories,

song lyrics,

and YouTube clips too.

It’s a tool,

a guide,

some even swear

it’s a mantra

sex addicts need to live by,

STARVE THE EYES!

Deprive them,

of anything,

even remotely stimulating,

so you can reset sexually,

discovery sobriety,

and move forth accordingly.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Sexual Trance

My eyes hunger

for a glance,

to get my fill,

surrender to the sexual trance.

The high of looking,

drinking in a woman,

all in an attempt,

to capture the alluring,

a mental cushion,

of feeling loved, accepted, and wanted,

but what it does

is keep me jaded, tempted,

and left in bondage.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

One Last Time

I tell myself, “just one last time”,

It’s a lie you know,

a verbal disguise,

to hide my intentions,

of getting my fix, a hit, just another high,

to calm my nerves,

soothe my pain,

ease all the fears inside.

I’m afraid you know,

of confronting my feelings,

they want to emerge, show themselves,

but I’m scared so I continue to slip,

Leaving me reeling,

in more agony, shame, and confusion.

“One last time” though is nothing more than deception,

deceiving myself,

hundreds of times once again.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Spousal Support for Sex Addiction Recovery

In a lot of relationships dealing with addictions of any kind, the hardest part is sharing the journey with your partner.  When it comes to sex addiction, this becomes exponentially harder due to feelings of sexual and emotional betrayal, a partner's potential feelings of inadequacy (compared to other women real or imagined via fantasy/pornography).

In your recovery circles, you may be real, authentic, and vulnerable in sharing of your slips and acting out episodes to men or women in your 12 step groups, group therapy or other support groups where you feel people truly understand the nature of this disease without fear of judgment or condemnation.  However due to these same fears stemming in your marriage or intimate relationship, your romantic partner may be the last to know.

As I mentioned earlier, part of this is due to the intense fear of shame, rejection, judgment or condemnation one may have received in the past from your partner.  You probably were ridiculed, called names, or even were physically hit because of your out-of-control sexual behaviors.  In a few cases, men and women may not share due to projecting these fears onto their partners thus limiting their ability to share.

So what occurs is the recovery process could feel very disjointed within a coupleship (i.e. if the couples are working to stay together and work through the addiction_.  One side invests and exerts a lot of energy attending recovery meetings, checking in with sponsors/group members, reading, journaling, and other recovery work that can lead to painful yet meaningful discoveries within themselves and then shared accordingly with like-minded peers.  However, that level of emotional depth and vulnerability may not transcend beyond recovery circles and thus the romantic partner gets short shrift in terms of the significant recovery details other than the proverbial and awkward check-in process as detailed below.

Impacted Partner: "So how's it (your addiction recovery) going (this week, month, etc.)?"

Sex Addict: "Good" or "It's been a hard (week, month, etc.)".

I don't mean to paint a negative picture on the recovery process for couples but I do feel there is a greater need for impacted partners to know there should be a much richer and fulfilling dialogue leading to a much more connected coupleship.  If you feel the two of you are living separate lives in this area, then please consider seeking guidance in growing in this area.  The worst case scenario is when no information is shared (after the initial discover or acknowledgement of the addiction)_ and the impacted partner lives by the mantra, "Don't ask, don't tell".

If you’re in addiction recovery please consider having your partner join you in the process (if he/she wants to).  You’ll be surprised that many impacted partners want to be on this journey with you.  This doesn’t mean they’re to be an accountability partner but they do and should have access to your recovery process (feelings, emotions, slips, relapses) as a means to support you and to not feel left in the dark.

Too many people go through addiction recovery separate from their partners not realizing how much this causes couples to actually grow more distant and less emotionally intimate than having the courage to share their journey with their partners.  So in short, addiction recovery is not an individual journey (as many of you know by now with your support people) but also a journey where your intimate partner should be on as well.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Arrows to the Heart (Haiku)

Arrows to the heart,

my soul eviscerated,

vulnerable no more.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Kissing (Haiku)

Kissing turns me on,

I go into a trance-like state,

reality paused.

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Lust (Haiku)

Lust means, “I want it!”,

from a sexual perspective,

will stop at nothing.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Nothing Satisfies (Haiku)

Nothing Satisfies,

money, food, sex, jobs, or cars,

empty without you.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

You did it!

Great job!

I’m proud of you!

A childhood empty of affirmations,

words non-existent,

replaced by silence

taking center stage.

The praises from parents,

a fantasy,

a shadow,

a mirage of the mind.

Neglect was reality,

struggling to not feel left behind,

abandoned,

unwanted,

oh how I wish I could hit rewind!

Replay life,

a do-over,

a mulligan,

and tell my child self,

“I’m loved!”,

“I’m wanted!”,

“I matter!”

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Starting with a Kiss (Haiku)

It starts with a kiss, 

my pulse races to see more,  

flesh flashing on screen.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Dream

What is a dream

but a seed of hope,

waiting for water,

nourishment,

and tender love,

to push me to strive for my calling,

to be me,

whatever that is.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Another High

Another High (Haiku)

Excitement no more,

The mind searching and looking,

for another high.

[brokenvesselspsalm31]

Heal the Healer

The healer needs help,

disillusioned, discouraged, defeated.

The core of one’s self,

stripped of its mission,

like a compass askew,

searching for direction,

yearning for a true north,

to walk in trust,

regardless.