got this prompt from @bubblepenz too, along with “You’re not going to leave me are you?” and they fit so perfectly together, so I give you a little bit of drunk honeymoon Hollanov feat. clinical depression that doesn't care if you're on vacation.
~*~*~
They were having fun. Well, Shane thought they were having fun. They were on their honeymoon, for god’s sake.
But the tone in Ilya’s voice had shifted halfway through their walk home from the cocktail bar they’d gone to after dinner. They’d been laughing, he couldn’t remember about what — Shane still happily tipsy and wrapped up in the way the orange of the sunset made Ilya’s hair glow like bronze, complementing the gold of his skin. With a heavy sigh, Ilya’s laugh had faded, and he’d muttered something under his breath.
Slowing to a stop, Shane tugged Ilya’s hand, which was gripping his tightly as they plodded heavily their way down the hill overlooking the beach that led to their hotel.
“Hey,” Shane said, when Ilya staggered to a stop and looked up at him. His face had lost the joyful expression that Shane had enjoyed soaking up all evening. “What was that you just said?”
“Nothing,” Ilya sighed. “Just being stupid, c’mon.” He pulled on Shane’s hand almost petulantly, but Shane’s legs were strong enough to anchor him to the spot despite the steep angle. He looked down at Ilya — his husband — and his heart stuttered, he loved him so much.
“No, don’t do that. Whatever it is, it’s not stupid.” Shane yanked him back up the few steps separating them until Ilya was right there, chest pressed to his. The liquor on his breath likely matched Shane’s, but it made Shane worry. “Tell me, please.”
His eyes fluttered shut in a defeated gesture, and Ilya mumbled, words slurring a little, “I’m so scared I will fuck this up. Us.” He gestured in the small space between them.
Shane’s heart clenched, and he had to stop himself from telling Ilya he was being stupid. The idea that he could fuck this up was stupid to Shane, but that wasn’t what Ilya needed, Shane knew that by now.
“Ilya,” Shane started, his cheeks pulling up slightly into a smile when he saw the sad puppydog look on Ilya’s face. He was such a melancholy drunk sometimes. “There’s literally nothing you could do to fuck this up.”
“What if I cheat on you?”
“What the fuck? Are you thinking about cheating on me?” Taken aback by the question, Shane forgot where they were and asked that a bit too loudly.
“Nooo,” Ilya pleaded, a desperate look on his face. “Why would you say that? I could never do that to you!”
“Ilya, you just said ‘what if I cheat on you?’”
“I didn’t mean it that way, I just…” he trailed off. “You’re not going to leave me are you?”
Shane was getting confused, and Ilya seemed to be spiraling.
“Come on, let’s go back to the hotel, okay? We can talk there.”
“Okay,” Ilya nodded, face crumpling, but following Shane like a puppy that had been reprimanded.
Shane didn’t know what had happened between leaving the bar and now to send Ilya down this spiral, but they were on their fucking honeymoon and he would hate himself if he didn’t do something to fix this. So they soaked in the sunset, walking silently together down the cobbled streets until they reached the boutique luxury hotel where they were staying.
“Let’s get you upstairs, I think you probably need some water,” Shane said, rubbing his thumb over the back of Ilya’s hand in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture.
“Yes, probably,” Ilya replied, squeezing Shane’s hand back.
Smiling to himself while Ilya leaned on his shoulder in the elevator, Shane let out a long breath. They were going to be okay.
Finally back in their suite, they kicked off their shoes and Shane collapsed on the couch, watching Ilya shuffle slowly towards him.
“Come here, idiot, you’re so drunk,” Shane laughed softly.
“Be nice to me, I am sad,” Ilya said, trying to pout but laughing through it.
He collapsed onto Shane with a loud oomph, and Shane squeezed him tight, hoping he could somehow press all his love and devotion and trust into one hug so that Ilya would never have these thoughts again.
After a few minutes of just breathing together, letting the alcohol pulse through them in that heavy sleepy way it does, Shane finally took Ilya’s face in his hands and tilted his head up to look at him.
“What’s going on in your head right now?” Shane asked, then kissed him softly on the temple, as if to remind Ilya’s head specifically that it was loved.
“I don’t know,” Ilya whispered, like he was afraid to say what he was really thinking.
“Are you really afraid you’re going to cheat on me?” Shane hated hearing those words, but he didn’t buy for a second that Ilya actually meant them.
“Ugh, no.” Ilya grumbled, pressing his face into the crook of Shane’s neck. “But sometimes I get scared. Scared I will do something terrible, and you will leave me.”
The combination of alcohol and the way Ilya’s mouth was muffled by Shane’s shoulder made the words come out in a garbled mess.
“Ilya, look at me.”
With another grumble, Ilya heaved himself up and looked at Shane, eyes droopily resigned.
“There’s nothing you could or would ever do that would ever make me leave you.”
“What if I murder Roger Crowell?”
Shane threw his head back and laughed through a sigh. “If you murder Roger Crowell, I’ll help you run away and find us new identities and marry you again.”
Ilya smiled weakly. “You love hockey too much, you would never go.”
“Well then, please don’t murder the commissioner?”
“He deserves it though,” Ilya chuckled and snuggled down into Shane again, so his head was pressed up against Shane’s chest.
“Ilya?”
“Hm?”
“I know it’s just the depression talking, but I need you to know. Seriously. I will never leave you. And you’re not going to do anything terrible to drive me away. You’re the best thing in my life. And I’ll keep telling you that as many times as I have to.” Shane pressed several firm kisses into Ilya’s hair.
“I love you, Shane,” was all Ilya said in response. And that was enough.
hi!! I think you did the art for candle in the window? I loved your art and the fic and went to re-read it, but I was wondering if it had been deleted?
Hi, thank you, you're sweet to mention! <3 The fic has been taken down, yes. The fandom was becoming insufferable to the author. I'm happy the fic and my art could give you joy, it's a great one!
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