that last reblog has me musing on healthy friendships between adults and minors. iâve seen a lot of good posts about how to spot predatory behavior, but i havenât seen many about what healthy behavior looks like. & i know i have some younger people following me for various fandoms, so
signs of a healthy friendship w/ an adult:
they donât do the obvious predatory things; they donât send you sexual content or ask you sexual questions, they donât tell you that you donât âseemâ like a minor, they donât start inappropriate conversations
they donât do the less obvious predatory things; they donât ask you to keep secrets or try to isolate you from others or ask inappropriate favors or use you as a key source of emotional support*
youâd be comfortable with your parents seeing your conversations (or, if you canât trust your parents, youâd be comfortable with a trusted adult seeing your conversations)
theyâd be comfortable with your interactions being shown to people; they donât ask you to âhideâ anything
they set clear boundaries; they tell you when theyâre not comfortable offering guidance, when theyâre uncomfortable with a conversation in general, etc.
they respect YOUR boundaries; they drop or redirect conversations when asked, they donât ask for invasive details about trauma or your living situation, etc
you arenât nervous about telling them when youâre uncomfortable - or at least, you arenât more nervous than you are with anyone else. some ppl have anxiety disorders or struggle to articulate discomfort, i get it
on that note, you shouldnât feel more anxious or nervous around them than you do around other trusted adults. Â
you donât need to have a Reason for the nervousness - sometimes a personâs intensity or conversational style is just stressful. the same might happen w/ peers your age. a beneficial friendship shouldnât make you feel consistently tense/on edge, even if the other party hasnât done anything âwrongâ
(people donât need to Commit A Transgression for you to want to stop interacting with them. if theyâre not making your life better, you donât need to keep them in your life.)
your friendship is based around mutual interests - fandoms you enjoy, creative work youâre doing, hobbies you share, etc. you both have an equal interest in the things you talk about, & your conversations focus on common ground between you
youâd be comfortable with them interacting with others in your life - peers your age and trusted adults.
they are respectful of you as a person; they act with appropriate awareness of your age, but they donât condescend to you or tell you they wish you were older or treat you like an infant theyâre in charge of babysitting. basically, they arenât an asshole.
if they are comfortable being asked for emotional support or guidance (not all adults are!), they offer advice and support from the perspective of a mentor, rather than the type of support youâd expect from a peer your age. theyâll also tell you when they donât feel like they can give helpful advice (see: boundaries)
there are other healthy signs; these are just some basics
please note that it is possible for friendships to have some of these elements while still being unhealthy. this is not a checklist for a Guarantee Of Healthy Dynamics And Stability. it is, however, a good place to start if youâre not sure what an okay friendship with an adult looks like.
*the emotional support thing is complex: thereâs nothing wrong with comforting an older friend whoâs sad or grieving or having mental health struggles. but you Shouldnât be a person theyâre Relying Upon for support - they shouldnât be leaning on you for constant help managing their feelings/struggles.
this is bc adults and adolescents tend to be in very different places where emotional processing is concerned. an adult will find more helpful emotional support from other adults, similar to how you might find more relatable emotional support from your peers than from adults. itâs bc of where different people are developmentally
(also, like, an 18 year old and a 17 year old are very similar developmentally. a 30 year old and a 17 year old are not. how much older they are makes a difference.)
an adult who depends heavily on you for support isnât Necessarily doing so with predatory intent. but they Are making the choice to ask an adolescent to be partially responsible for their emotional wellbeing.
youâll see a lot of people talk abt the trauma of being the emotional support system for their parent(s) growing up (and might have experienced it yourself); similar dynamics are at play here.
there are also codependent relationship dynamics that are unhealthy Even When both involved parties are adults. some adults may purposefully look for codependent support from minors because theyâre aware you havenât had as much life experience with setting boundaries, saying no, & recognizing unhealthy demands. which is predatory; not all predatory behavior is sexual.
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