Loneliness - Hannah Baker - Zach's tape
You’re going to tell me this one’s no big deal, but let me tell you about being lonely. Humans are social species, we rely on connections to survive. Even the most basic social interactions help keep us alive. Statistics prove the subjective feeling of loneliness can increase the likelihood of premature death by 26%. If it sounds like I’m quoting something from a school textbook, I am. Too bad nobody bothered to read it; and let me tell you there are all kinds of ways to feel lonely. I am not talking the garden-variety lonely in a crowd lonely. That’s everyone, every day. And it’s not the when will I find love kind of lonely or that the popular kids are mean to me kind of lonely. The popular kids are always mean, that’s how they get popular. I know, Ironic. Old news. The kind of lonely I’m talking about, is when you feel like you’ve got nothing left. Nothing and no one. Like your are drowning and no one will throw you a line. Well, when the subject of this tape worked his sneaky magic. That’s what I was feeling, and when you’re that kind of lonely, you reach for anything, no matter how silly it may seem; and communications class could be supremely silly as you know. Sometimes the silly things can mean more than anyone knows. We all need it, human contact and communications class, crazy as it was, was human contact for me. Until someone in this class cut my lifeline, someone who is known for being sweet. I’ll tell you who it is, but you’re going to have to wait. Just like I did. I am going to play mind games with you, just like you played with me. It happened after Valentine’s Day, when you really feel that lack of human contact. Especially when you make contact with the wrong human. That’s a whole new level of lonely, but through it all you still want to believe there are good guys in the world. You were kind that night, you just sat there letting me ignore you, until it was almost comical. You were so sweet, just like Kat said once upon a time, so sweet. Well, welcome to your tape, Zach. For those of you who aren’t Zach, you can relax, for now at least as for you Zack,I wonder if you ever felt what it’s like to be lonely, like I did that day? Is it even possible to know, when you’re one of the most popular jocks and not one of those kids that sits alone in the cafeteria hiding behind a book? Have you ever noticed us? You said something stupid Zach, and I yelled at you, big deal. You should’ve let it go, but you didn’t let it go. You didn’t like that someone told you no, because guys like you get everything you want, right? Maybe you think you deserve everything you get and more. Maybe you just used to hearing the cheers of the crowd. Maybe you can’t imagine what it feels like to be on the sidelines Zach, like most of us are. You can’t imagine why a little piece of paper could mean so much. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to need a lifeline Zack. The day after you insulted me in the cafeteria my compliment bag was empty. Not even a cute bunny. By the end of the second week, I knew that something was up. Maybe I should’ve let it go, but I didn’t. I wrote you a letter. I poured my heart out about personal things, I didn’t have the courage to admit to anyone; how hard life is getting, how lonely I felt and how the stupid compliments actually meant something to me. And then I set my trap. I was hoping, once you read the letter, you’d get it. You’d realize how much I needed those silly things you were stealing from me, but I guess I wasn’t even worth a reaction. Why me Zach, why me? I’d texted you, Jessica, and you said you would come and then you didn’t. I get it Jess, I gave you a ride home that didn’t make us friends again. So I guess I didn’t have any friends at all anymore. You had to know I wrote that note Zack and you said nothing. You let everyone think it was Skye, why didn’t you speak up. See I have this theory Zach, I have this theory that you’re lonely too. Could that be possible? What kind of lonely could the great Zack Dempsey possibly feel? Maybe that kind, when you think that no one truly sees you? I know that kind of lonely, do you? No one knows what’s really going on in another person’s life and you’ll never know how what you do will affect someone else; and if that goes for me it must go for everyone. Even cheerleaders.
