Life is a mess. It's been 2 years since I graduated from college, and it is hard. After taking so many job opportunities that come my way, there's no one who has ever hired me. And I guess I am also terrible about getting my civil engineer license.
There's never been a day that I have been struggling. Finding myself stuck at every moment and always looking back at the past and wishing I have done better. I always tell myself that this journey of mine will have breakthrough someday but everytime I think and invite positive energy, it always hook me to my saddest moment of my life, the reality.
I don't have any job experience aside from working part time as a assistant video editor working under my brother. I work from home and self taught to every little things about video editing. The couple of months as I start is very hard and struggling. I always find myself crying for every little details I don't know about video editing. It drains my soul that I don't even work the course I studied. It just, I grab the oppotutnity in front of me because I don't have a choice.
Not until a year passed by. By the way, I didn't stop taking the board examination eventhough I can't concentrate to study everytime. I am tired of trying at everything, as if my luck has run out and all the opportunities have gone. It is telling me that whatever I do, I suck and can't move forward because I am a loser. And I hate that feeling.
Now that I decided to go far away from my home, to have new beginning and challenges that I know will help me. I want to apply again another job while waiting since I have to try and try right? and I tried again today to apply a job. Every cents I have to pay to get done that application; the sweats and effort to manage to get in; and that knowing today, after the pre-interview, I realize that i don't even qualify to be in that position and it tears me up that up knowing that until today I still suck at everything. I want to be gone in this world.
Actually, I am sad and tired. I felt really insecure to those around me that they have work to attend, they have the support they need, and even financially okay in things. I want to get out of this cycle and get my best in me, but I am tired and I don't know why even though there's so much to be thankful for. I am guilty that I even felt this way toward mylife.
To the future me, I hope you are doing well and happy. I hope that you in there is very busy working toward you dreams and goals in life. I hope you still hold to God even though your paths is very hard and rough. I hope you will find this and give a laugh because it turns out that life is going to be fine anyway.
Bam, I know you are struggling, overthinking, scared, lonely and discouraged. In this season, you need to strenghten your faith and believe that you have already won the battle. Don't be too hard to yourself and don't be too soft to the situation given to you. Toughen your ideals and ask the Lord to lead the way.
You have purpose in this world, remember that. You are important as everyone on this planet. And you are one in a billion favored in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Time will come and everything will set place according to His will.
Love you, Bam. Good job as always.
