For my personal record
Trigger warning for suicidal ideation and depression. I had a pretty gnarly breakdown last week on Thursday the 2nd. Went on SDI as of the 5th as per my psych on the 6th. Trying new meds to see if we can get my brain to stop trying to kill me. I'm keeping a log of this process both because my psych asked me to and for my own information since my memory is for shit. You do not need to read any of this unless you have a morbid curiosity about how Abilify (and potentially other meds who the fuck even knows at this point) hit my brain. I fucking miss LiveJournal, it was so much better for things like this.
New life lesson learned: always always always check for contraindications. Turns out that Abilify and codeine cough syrup shouldn’t be mixed. The advice nurse is gonna send you to the ER and they’re gonna have to call poison control while you sit and wait. And wait. And wish you weren’t an idiot and were home in bed instead of here, chilling in the ER waiting room at 2:15 in the morning. And wow, my hair needs washed.
7/12/26 Sunday
Yesterday was just a day of misery and exhaustion and snot. I kept hydrated and just put one foot in front of the other. Absolutely no change wrt mood. Had a hard cry in the evening because my friends like me, which, okay, sure, that's a valid reason to sob. Why not. Today I'm feeling somewhat better on the cold front - I still have a rattly cough, but very little snot, for which I am grateful. I'm so exhausted every way you can imagine - physical, mental, emotional - but my mind is going in eight different directions at once and I'm overwhelmed by wanting to do everything at the same time. If I wasn't so fucking tired and feeling like I could fall over and cry constantly I'd say that I'm hypomanic. It's so fucking weird, I can't remember ever feeling this way before and I do not like it. Still extremely overwhelmed and sad and a failure and a weight around my loved one's necks though. That hasn't changed. I think I need to ask Dr P if she can recommend a therapist when I meet with her tomorrow. Didn't remember to eat until I'd been up for 5ish hours and wasn't feeling hungry at that time.
I need to email my psych tomorrow to ask her to fill in her part of my disability paperwork. If you have my phone number, please text me to remind me to do this, my memory is made of black holes and silly string right now and that's, uh, not great. Also, for those playing along at home, in the last two weeks I've dealt with the following (read on for :
A full ass breakdown and suicidal ideation.
A new med that may or may not be helping
A gnarly cold, which I'm still dealing with the respiratory and coughing bullshit of.
My period arriving almost a full week and a half early (thanks perimenopause!)
The weirdest ever hypomania where I have a long ass list of things I want to get done (for instance: building shelves in my closet) and big plans, but at the same time I'm so fucking tired and sad and unhappy all the time and I can actually do none of it except my laundry.
Developing bacterial vaginosis - yeah, my body decided to give me a fun present that's normally an sti even though I haven't had sex in going on 14 years. Yay?
I absolutely will have a yeast infection as soon as I finish taking the antibiotics for #6, which is gonna suuuuck but at least I already have the meds for it
If this restlessness and urge to jiggle my leg hasn’t abated by the time I talk to Dr P on Tuesday we’re going to have to try something else.
Today is day 14 since my last day at work and I celebrated it by falling out of hypomania with a bang, still being restless as fuck, and crying several times whilst feeling like an utter failure. IDK if I'm at the therapeutic dose of Abilify yet but if I am I think it's safe to say that it's not working. Psych appt in two days.
