busstopwerewolf

Daily personal blog of an anonymous trans man. I don't really have a name yet, but I'll let you know. Came out of my eggshell after identifying as genderfluid on October 1st, 2018. No transmeds or terfs welcome. 20, ftm, autistic, depressed, anxious, ADD, tired. I can be as cute and femme as I goddamn well please; policing my trans identity will get your ass blocked. Minors block the nsfw tag.

[teathattast]

[busstopwerewolf]

Someday I will find a big spooky tattooed bear to give me gentle pats like this

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 25

Tired.

Spent all of Saturday trying to pack. Vomit on the floor in the hall...

I’m supposed to withdraw for a semester and come back. This is supposed to be a time for me to heal. Instead it’s going to be a different form of exhaustion. Being misgendered.

Being questioned.

Being guilted.

Parenting my mother.

Dealing with the pressure she’s going to put on me.

Both of my parents think this is the end of my college career, and believe I have to “prove them wrong”. Good fucking gods.

[positivelyenby]

Kiddos we need to have a chat. Its a serious one this time. A few of you have said reccently that if you start hrt or get top, bottom, whatever surgery that will make you feel more you, your SO will leave you. Dad is here to tell you that that is not okay!! If your SO says to you “hey dont start hrt or get that surgery cause ima leave” RUN!! Run very far and very fast. That is someone who does not value your happiness. That is a selfish person who wants to keep you from being yourself because it would make them uncomfy.

“But i love them!” You may say and thats true, you do love them and they love you but they are keeping you from loving yourself. Thats the important thing here. SOs are great to have yes, but loving yourself and being who you are are more important. If youre in that situtation, take stock. Whats more important to you? Break ups are hard, i know they are.

[busstopwerewolf]

@positivelyenby Thanks Dad! I love you

[positivelyenby]

@busstopwerewolf love you too bucko!

[busstopwerewolf]

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 23

Choosing to withdraw from school for the semester. It sounds corny but I need to start hormones and do some soul searching...

I’m. So very tired. Yanno? There’s a lot to do before I leave. A lot to get rid of. A lot to wash and pack. A lot to think about. A lot of things that I want to do.

I’m going to miss my friends.

This will hopefully give me time to grieve and recover.

[grimdarkmatt]

So I saw your post that you’re on T now, and I was wondering how often you have to get your blood drawn for testing. I’ve heard that it happens often and I really want to get on T but I’m scared to death of getting my blood drawn. Have they told you how often you need your blood drawn? Thanks!

so far i’ve only had my blood drawn once in this whole process, my guess would be maybe almost monthly as you just start off because they want to make sure your levels are okay.but i have an appointment with my doctor this friday and i can ask thatbut also: if anyone knows right now feel free to add to this

[rwbwby]

i’ve been on T for almost a year, and so far the blood test schedule has been like this:

once before starting T, once at a month, once at three months, then once at six or seven months. i suspect they might want be back after my year anniversary, but after that it might just be a yearly checkup, from what i understand. i’m scared of blood tests but i find that if i have a small snack a few hours beforehand (some cheese and crackers) i don’t feel nearly as faint! it likely won’t skew the results too much—your sugar level, if any—and it definitely won’t change your T levels

[positivelyenby]

Kiddos we need to have a chat. Its a serious one this time. A few of you have said reccently that if you start hrt or get top, bottom, whatever surgery that will make you feel more you, your SO will leave you. Dad is here to tell you that that is not okay!! If your SO says to you “hey dont start hrt or get that surgery cause ima leave” RUN!! Run very far and very fast. That is someone who does not value your happiness. That is a selfish person who wants to keep you from being yourself because it would make them uncomfy.

“But i love them!” You may say and thats true, you do love them and they love you but they are keeping you from loving yourself. Thats the important thing here. SOs are great to have yes, but loving yourself and being who you are are more important. If youre in that situtation, take stock. Whats more important to you? Break ups are hard, i know they are.

[busstopwerewolf]

@positivelyenby Thanks Dad! I love you

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 16

Hey. I’m still alive. I know my posts got dark and I didn’t wanna alarm anyone. My binder feels like second nature nowadays. It’s one size up so it’s not Perfectly Effective, but I’m glad I sized up. My armpits get easily irritated and I hate when fabric digs into them. Spanx has literally cut me before....

Anyways. On November 8th I go up to Planned Parenthood to see what my insurance covers and stuff.

This last weekend was hard, but worth living for. My grandfather visited us in the US for the first time. He and my mom, who I have a strained relationship with, came by and we shopped together.

It was hard. My grandfather, a lot like my mom, has the impression that he knows more about people than they do about themselves. It’s annoying, and trying to talk to a wall. But I managed it better than I thought I would. It helped that he wasn’t angry. They’re both still convinced that either my trans counselor convinced me, or that I’m deluding myself. It’s funny watching them say that, blind to their own delusions. That they’re projecting a girl onto me that isn’t who I am. I think it’s their impulses towards micromanagement, and that the belief that they’re steering the ship. It was a lot easier than it used to be to not let their projections hurt me.

My friend @transwithoutaplan is having a really rough time of it so please send a brother some love.

[overpricedvodka]

I wear ripped jeans to the office because I’m a disrespectful Millennial.

[overpricedvodka]

Today’s office outfit is this $5 dress I got at Old Navy because it’s eight thousand degrees outside and my balls deserve air.

[overpricedvodka]

I took these pants and boots from my step brother.

[overpricedvodka]

Don’t mind me, just keeping the undercarriage well-ventilated.

[idkbruhfukit]

I’m living for this rebellious energy

[bot-dad]

Hello living for this rebellious energy, I’m Dad!

Dad^bot^1. Think that you are ok. Think that you are well-dressed. Think that you are deep. | PayPal | Patreon Beep-boop!

[inritum]

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

[busstopwerewolf]

please. I just want the feeling of life back inside me. and I want it to stay. I want to be able to keep it going.

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 5, 2:44 AM.

Feel so empty

why be awake

why be asleep

why die but why live you know

[transwithoutaplan]

October 4th, 2018, 8:22pm.

I am a drunk sad boy. Someone love me.

Okay that was selfish but I feel discouraged. It’s not been a good day, really.

[busstopwerewolf]

*holds you*

it’s gonna be okay brother

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 4, 12:46 AM.

My armpits have been itching for over a week. I don’t know what it is. I have switched deodorants. I have been showering even when I don’t want to. It hurts too, especially because I can barely stop scratching when I start. I have peeled off the very outer layer of my skin with this scratching, though it is closed now. I don’t scar well so there are dark brown/maroon patches on my skin there. I don’t want to go to the goddamn doctor for this so don’t bring it up.

I’m just in bed trying to get some respite from having fabric rub up against that skin all day but it means I have to feel my body and whenever I shift I can feel them move and I hate it

My other blog for which I’m doing Kinktober? surprise surprise

guess who fell behind

6 followers from 100 followers and I still feel so incredibly lonely

with my fucking worthless reblogs

and my mediocre drawings and eh headcanons and abandoned fanfic

that I don’t even know how to continue

my art

it’s so disgusting

and I can’t seem to improve

Maybe I should just disappear

not die but just stop you know

leave the fandom

or leave the blog

leave reality

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 3, 2:41 PM.

Woke up early and ate breakfast and feel a lot less like crap, even though I went to bed at the same time. A bit tired now but I don’t feel like my soul is being crushed by one of those piston thingies in a “satisfying videos” compilation and that helps immensely.

This guy has been playing games with me/himself for a while and I’m getting tired of it, but at the same time I can’t seem to move past him. I asked someone to try to talk to him after weeks of his indecision. I have been doing my best to be polite, respect boundaries, and be understanding, but I am getting annoyed.

Also finding an irl name has been a bitch. I’m latinx so trying to find a male name that doesn’t sound like the MACHOEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED is annoying. I am going by Busser, and will probably always go by Busser here. Bought some real baggy sweaters, and I have my first binder coming in the mail soon.

[accarahara-deactivated20191231]

Unpopular opinion: you don’t have to be mean to be a dom. You don’t even have to inflict pain yourself to be a dom. You don’t need to humiliate or belittle people to be a dom. Being a dom is all about having control and maintaining control. Everything else is purely specialty of the individual dynamic.

[sweettist]

Hear, hear!

And huzzah for Control!

[hypnoticgroovywombat-deactivate]

Why is this an unpopular opinion…

[accarahara-deactivated20191231]

Too many abusive people claiming to be doms

[feetdavidson]

hot take but some of yall just hate trans people

[feetdavidson]

like… some of yall think trans people who haven’t started their medical transition/choose not to medically transition “aren’t really trans”

and trans people who have been on hrt for many years and underwent surgeries are “no longer trans”

just say you hate trans people

[feetdavidson]

cis people can rb this

[busstopwerewolf]

bless you op

[busstopwerewolf]

Day 2, 3:26 PM.

Fuck I’m tired. I feel like I need to buy a binder asap but at the same time I’m scared to spend the money/scared that I don’t deserve it.

I just said goodbye to my female sona and I feel kind of weird. Empty but free? Is that weird? Lol my sona on this blog in particular is kind of unidentifiable. Whooops.

[busstopwerewolf]

time to tear at my lips out of distress

kids don’t do this