marauders muggle secondary school teacher au because unfortunately they would all be terrible at this in very specific ways
james potter teaches spanish and half the school is emotionally invested in his ongoing failure to win over miss evans from english. his year ten class has an actual betting pool on whether he’ll finally ask her out before christmas, easter, or never. he tries to casually mention poetry around her and gets bullied by fourteen-year-olds for it immediately.
lily evans teaches english and her students suffer most during poetry because she cares so much. she’ll be standing at the front like “what does the enjambment suggest?” while thirty teenagers silently experience despair. she is strict, terrifyingly organised, and absolutely catches every single student using chatgpt for their essay before they even finish lying.
peter pettigrew teaches dt and somehow has at least one near-death experience per week. saws, drills, glue guns, falling shelves, loose screws, mysterious sparks. he laughs all of it off like “haha, close one” while the students are staring at him like sir, you nearly lost a finger.
remus lupin teaches history and assigns way too much homework. he’s chill in the way tired teachers are chill, but his version of a “small task” is three pages of source analysis and a timeline. students either love him because he explains things properly or hate him because he remembers every deadline they hoped he’d forget.
sirius black teaches drama despite being unable to act. he is dramatic, yes. good at acting, no. he spends most lessons criticising students like he’s judging the national theatre, then performs an example so terrible the whole class goes silent out of second-hand embarrassment. still, the students love him because his lessons are chaos and he absolutely lets them overdo stage fights.
marlene mckinnon teaches music and everyone in the rooms nearby hates her. the walls shake. the drums are never quiet. someone is always badly learning guitar. she says things like “feel the rhythm” to year eights who have never felt anything except fear. half her students want to start bands. the other half just want earplugs.
mary macdonald teaches textiles and makes little things for her favourite students. she pretends she doesn’t have favourites, but everyone knows. if she likes you, you might randomly get a little embroidered patch or a repaired blazer sleeve. if she doesn’t like you, your bobbin is suddenly your own problem.
alice fortescue teaches food tech and is always covered in ingredients. flour on her cheek, chocolate on her sleeve, icing sugar in her hair, somehow still smiling. she has a powerful alliance with the lunch ladies, which means she knows everything happening in the school before SLT does. nothing escapes the food tech kitchen.
frank longbottom teaches maths and the students fall asleep every lesson, not because he’s bad, but because he is so gentle and calm that his classroom feels like a nap sanctuary. he explains algebra like he’s soothing a frightened animal. half his year elevens are failing quietly but feel very emotionally supported about it.
fabian prewett teaches physics and once broke a window during a lesson. he insists it was a valuable practical demonstration about force. nobody believes him. his lessons are genuinely interesting, but there is always a fifty-fifty chance something will fly across the room and become a safeguarding issue.
gideon prewett teaches biology and once slipped on a dissection frog during a lesson. he still claims the frog moved. students bring it up constantly. he’s good at biology in a weirdly enthusiastic way, but he absolutely has jars in his classroom that nobody should be looking at for too long.
regulus black teaches pe and terrifies the students who also adore him. he runs every sports club because nobody else can be trusted to do it properly. football, netball, athletics, swimming, cross country, badminton, whatever. he has a whistle and a death stare and can make an entire year nine class line up silently in under ten seconds. students act like he’s terrifying, then fight to be picked for his teams.
dorcas meadowes teaches geography and is completely no-nonsense. she does not tolerate messing around with atlases. she does not care that you “forgot” your homework. she will make you label rivers until you regret being born. her classroom is calm because everyone is slightly afraid to breathe incorrectly.
barty crouch jr teaches art and has multiple pieces of art of mr (regulus) black in his classroom, which makes his students lose their minds. sketches, paintings, weird dramatic charcoal studies, one suspiciously romantic watercolour. every class has tried to ask about it. every class has regretted asking. he is a terrifying art teacher because he will roast your shading and then tell you to express your trauma through acrylic.
evan rosier teaches french and refuses to speak or let students speak anything but french during lessons. students walk in and immediately lose access to english. someone asks to borrow a pen in english and he just stares until they try again. everyone hates it for the first month and then somehow ends up actually learning french out of pure survival instinct.
pandora rosier teaches chemistry and there have been many incidents. not accidents. incidents. she says this distinction matters. the students love her because every lesson feels like it might become illegal. there have been strange smells, coloured flames, one evacuation, and at least one beaker that nobody can prove became sentient.
anyway who do we think teaches the other subjects?
who’s got media studies? who’s suffering through computer science? who’s teaching health and social care like they’re one bad day from quitting? who gets business studies? religious studies? psychology? sociology? dance? citizenship? politics? classics? photography?
because this school is already a disaster and i need to know who else is on the staff list.
