Claire Keane
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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Breaking News: Amazon's new headquarters announced as Fargo North Dakota
Breaking News: Amazon’s new headquarters announced as Fargo North Dakota
Fargo will soon have a new identity other than an organized kidnapping and the infamous leg in a wood chipper “dont’cha know”. (more…)
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Mexican Network Univision to unveil “Real Housewives Of Tijuana”
Documenting the Garcia, Hernandez and Rodriquez family as they hawk Chiclets at the boarder, this reality show is sure to be the lifestyle that can further stereotype Mexican culture. (more…)
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Detroit Police Apologize for Raiding Wrong Whore House
Detroit – Detroit Police raided the wrong home in Detroit early Saturday morning. After busting through the front door, guns drawn and demanding answers, they realized they entered the wrong house of ill-repute. (more…)
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Scientists Stunned to Discover Early Pics of Big Bang Just Lens Cap Still On
Keck Observatory, Hawaii – Scientists were stunned on Monday when new images taken by the Keck Telescopes revealing the cold, black depths of nothingness moments before the Big Bang, were actually shots taken with the dome doors closed. Currently among the largest astronomical telescopes in use, the 33 ft primary mirrors produced dark and lifeless images of an area of space thought to be near the…
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Man Reaches Groaning Age When Sitting Down
A Chicago man recently hit the age to make audible moans of discomfort whenever he sits down. (more…)
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Grand Theft Auto 6 Bans Texting While Driving
Grand Theft Auto 6 to eliminate texting while driving (more…)
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Guy Transforms This Boring Basement Into An Awesome Torture Chamber
This amazing torture chamber was created in a basement and cost only $10. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, check it out below and get ready to be blown away.
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San Jose, Ca – A young and unreliable computer programmer leveled with his manager on Friday regarding his tardiness. Dusty Young, an employee at startup ‘Accounting Sux’, admits he could be better at being to work on time. “Look, I am a young and progressive professional, and I need to maintain my work-life balance. For …
Employee Admits Being Late Part of Who He is as a Person
Report: Corn Fed Cows Live Just Long Enough to Become Obese and Delicious
A new report released by the Department of Agriculture reveals that beef cattle fed a steady diet of corn make for deliciously overweight steaks. “Corn is like candy to an 8 month-old cow”, states old ‘Mac’ McDonald, who has a farm in Eahi, Idaho, “and on this farm we raise our cows to obesity in a matter of months.” When cattle are fed corn, they gain weight faster, and their meat contains…
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Santa is extra joyous these holidays! DNA results show he is 100% Ashkenazi Jew. However, Mrs Claus is verklempt, “This makes so much sense. Oy vey, every time he helped me set up the nativity scene he kept trying to put that darn star inside the barn.” Yes, the numbers don’t lie, Santa is a …
A Washington area resident decried the tax reform bill today while visiting a plasma collection lab. “These heartless politicians are such money hungry jerks, all they want to do is enrich themselves”, he stated, asking, “is my type more valuable? I’m an AB and really need to cover my new Jordan 3’s.” The recent bill …
Universal Music to Purchase Rights to Whale Songs
The famous “whale songs” sung by a few species of whales will now be owned by Universal music. Anyone who from January 5th 2018 decides to record their songs and reuse them will be hit with a “cease and desist” or even worse, sued for intellectual property. Universal will soon release “best of whale songs” in digital format and a limited edition 1000 press on vinyl record. Rumor has it if these…
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Your Welcome! Apple Performs Massive Ransomware Attack
Apple confirmed on Wednesday to Techcrunch that it has in fact been improving customer experiences with their older iPhones by relieving them of the inconvenience of shorter battery lives and lighter credit card bills. (more…)
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Local Man Accepts Earth is Flat to Avoid News Cycle
Effort to ignore the state of the world changes state of the earth Conspiracy theorists create sense from a senseless world by believing they possess knowledge kept from the general public “The earth is clearly flat” states liquor store owner Jimmy A. Brayk, “the pictures of the globe being a globe are just another example of media propaganda circling the globe.” In Jimmy’s mind, this knowledge…
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ATF May Outlaw Lead in Bullets Due to Potential Poisoning
The ATF is Deeply Concerned About Lead Poisoning In a bold move to lower the exposure to potential lead poisoning, the Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms agency is pushing ammunition makers to use steel in an attempt to lower the exposure to lead once a person is shot. “When I took three to the chest all I could think about was lead poisoning up in my dome.” said Killa, a gangster of a notorious Los…
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Prefer Taco Truck Flavors? LA Restaurant Now Offering CockRoaches
Trendy Food Trucks are forcing LA restaurants to adapt their menus to compete. (more…)
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"Potentially Hazardous" Asteroid to Pass Earth - Howard Handupme DNN
“Potentially Hazardous” Asteroid to Pass Earth – Howard Handupme DNN
Howard Handupme Reports the Asteroid is Harmless Pangaea, 60,000,003 BC – A massive asteroid that has zoomed past Earth more than 100 times in about the last 300 years is approaching another near-miss with the Earth tomorrow. The massive asteroid that experts at WESAYSO say poses a “potentially hazardous” threat to the Earth will zoom by harmlessly. Astronomers say 0001 Phaethon will miss Earth…
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