buried alive

Ricky Olson's sideblog. ooc information unless you've been told in character directly.

[bvriedalive]

I'm just never going to talk again. maybe that would solve my problems.

[haelxtii]

I’m so attracted to personalities like I don’t care how fine you are I need to be able to have fun with you

[bvriedalive]

so much has happened and nothing has happened at the same time. nothing new, at least.

the only new thing is how much he makes me smile and not feel like an idiot everything I talk. I'm new to someone actually caring about me and I hope it lasts. I.. like him so much more than I want to say already cause I don't want to be too much. but I actually feel like I'm enough instead of too much when I'm with him.

if some people want to be mad at me for being happy, then I'm okay with that. I need to put myself first for once.

[bvriedalive]

I knew things would balance out but I never expected this.

I'm yours. I haven't said that to someone in years, but I'm so glad to say it to you.

[bpdjournal]

[faelin-world]

[bvriedalive]

excuse me while I open this hotel window, stick my head out and just,

s c r e a m

[bvriedalive]

if the floor could swallow me right now, that would be great.

[bvriedalive]

...oh.

[bvriedalive]

it's weird to talk to an ex about someone I'm interested in... but also comforting? it's ... yeah. weird.

[bvriedalive]

if chris wasn't here, I don't know what would've happened with how anxious I've been. I'm so glad he wanted to share a room.

[bvriedalive]

my anxiety is so high I feel like I can't breathe and I'm so fucking worried I'm going to end up somewhere in new Orleans like I would on tour when I get stressed out like this. and I didn't bring my medication cause I thought I'd be fine.

I'm overthinking and minimizing the situation at the same time and I just want my brain to stop for a second. just for a second.

[bvriedalive]

dear mental illnesses: stop letting me get attached every time I spend long periods of time with someone!!! stop overthinking it!!!! just stop!!!!

[bvriedalive]

being at Ryan's has really made me feel a bit better anxiety wise, and when it comes to sleeping. I don't need to explain the severity of it or warn him about anything, he already does things without mentioning it or making it a huge deal and just accommodates for my sleepwalking while I'm at his place. basically I'm just really thankful for one of my best friends and bandmates not making me feel like a burden while I'm staying with him even though I really can be sometimes.

I'm not sure if I'll go on this retreat or stay here. I haven't decided yet, mostly because I'm comfortable here. but I know I need to branch out and make more friends and that's a great opportunity to do just that. I need to make up my mind before the deadline, I'm just. anxious. but then again when am I not, right?

[bvriedalive]

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm avoiding you, I just don't want to be in the way. I'm always just, in the way.

[bvriedalive]

not sure why you offered to let me stay with you when you just told me you're taking your boyfriend on vacation. or why you thought it wouldn't be a bit awkward for me to stay with you while you're living together, at least for me anyway. I know that thing between us ended years ago, but it still crosses my mind a lot. especially when I didn't really have a relationship with another man since then, and whatever it was we had was wrecked because you just wanted to party back then. everything else since then has just been...a pattern, I guess.

I'm stupid for feeling all these things again all these years later.

[bvriedalive]

I either don't sleep and end up unable to function or I sleep and wake up exhausted because I decided to walk three blocks from my house in my socks and wake up standing on someones front lawn. I'm lucky no one called the police on me.

I don't know why it's getting bad like this again.. I know tj asking me to see him when I get to LA made me nervous but I really don't think that's what's bothering me this deeply. I don't know, I just know I'm anxious and exhausted and it's the worst combination to feel at once. I just want to rest for once.