It's getting harder to wake up every morning not knowing if you're going to be okay for the day or not. It's getting more exhausting to stay awake in these four walls. Telling yourself its gonna get better, is making it even harder to keep going, because as days go by, you notice that there is no change. You see the faces of disappointment or disbelief that everyone is giving you, cause every day you pretend so hard to be okay infront of them. But once alone, you fall apart with no one at your side. "I'm fine" "it's okay, dude" "no problem" "don't worry about me, focus on you" "I'm always here for you, anytime" All words full of different types of meaning, void of what you really wanna convey to other people. And sadly enough, they never question it deeply. You give so much every day for other people, but never get it back. My soul is crying for me to give it all up, "you've served your purpose" "if you let go, you'll finally be completely happy", but you can't, cause you're not brave/selfish enough to do it. So you end up in that repetitive cycle of giving your all, but receiving nothing in return.
True happiness is something that you have wiped out of your dictionary, you know it exists, but you just gave up on it. You give and give and still cant attain it. So you just gave up on it.
Everytime you start something new and you find your wind again, something that is completely out of your control makes you crash again. You keep telling yourself it's just a bump in the road, but its been 24 years now and it doesn't suffice anymore. Which makes you feel even more hopeless.
The list goes on and on, yet you keep trying your hardest for other people that are not you. What are you trying to achieve here? Why keep suffering and falling? Why do you make it look like everyone deserves happiness and you don't? You already give up on everything that concerns you, why not give up your life also?
Simple. Cause you're a naïve dreamer, you want to spread the overflowing amount of love you have for life, on everything and everyone. But for some odd reason, you just can't do it for yourself. And you know somewhere deep inside of you that you don't mind it, all the suffering, all the times you cried your soul out, all the times you were forgotten. "Doesn't matter" you say that while thinking "everything's gonna be over soon".
You feel so disconnected with the world that you cant even put it in words, so you just pretend. Cause you're tired of the pity glances you've always gotten. You want to connect with something, but aren't connected to yourself.
You used to find solace in being alone, but now it's just crushing loneliness most of the time.
I dont know where I'm going with this..
Just stay safe people. Love with the same passion that others love you. Don't take people's love and kindness for granted.
janainaart
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
