things I wanted to say but never did

I'm a pluviophile trapped in the desert, in love with the petrichor and dreaming about the lightning.

[cacophon0usly]

Vivid

There are thousands of ways I could describe you. The blue/green color of your eyes that you swear changes each day. Your light brown hair that somehow stays soft and shaped even soaked in gel, even after I try to mess it up. The same eight t-shirts I've long since began to recognize which rotate through your closet like a carousel. Your black Vans—the only pair of shoes you own besides your hiking boots, because "One pair is plenty,"; you have to replace them every four months. The smile that stretches across your lips when they're pressed against mine. Your biceps, the size of footballs, which turns me on, but also makes me giggle in juxtaposition with your big, adorable tummy (which makes for wonderful cuddles). The way wrapping my arms around you kind of helps me imagine hugging a bear, because you're so much bigger than I am. You're so ticklish, which makes teasing you hilarious. Your delicate, precise, deliberate touch. The strength and restraint in every gesture in regards to my body. Loud, louder, silent. The warmth your body provides my icy skin, retreating back into your arms for protection from the Great North side of my bed. We don't sleep under the covers because you get too hot. I cling to you all night because I get too cold. Somehow we sleep soundly. The way you kiss me softly in the morning to wake me. The taste of tequila on your breath leftover from the night before. But despite the alcohol, the warmth of your kisses is comforting, like home. Your affection, your body, your presence, all engulfs me until I am content in my existence with you, just you.

[cacophon0usly]

God, are the hard times hard But the easy times are just so easy

[cacophon0usly]

Cliffs

Stand on the edge of a cliff

And look out over the ocean

And tell me what you see.

Tell me about the waves

Rolling back and forth

Battling for space to breathe

Amidst microscopic organisms

Of stone and sea,

Wiggle your bare toes

And feel the Earth,

Which has been felt by many feet

Before yours.

Feel the breeze rustle your shirt

And leave goosebumps on your skin.

Listen to the waves crash

Against the cliffs below you,

And imagine what would happen

If you closed your eyes

And took a step forward.

[cacophon0usly]

Burning

You light me on fire

A single kiss, a tiny ember

begging to blossom into a passionate inferno

where the only fabric lies beneath us

and the only thing on our minds is each other.

You ignite my senses

The electricity in your fingers

and your tongue, like a taser,

leaves me defenseless.

My guard is off,

my walls collapse,

and you drive me euphorically insane.

[cacophon0usly]

Arguments

“You’ve never taken antidepressants before, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.

“Why not?”

Because I downed 32 Tylenol and a half bottle of Smirnoff and woke up in the hospital.

Because I was held down and kept alive by the IV in my arm and the mask over my face, pumping life into a body I didn’t want anymore.

Because every morning I look in the mirror and all that stares back at me are blank eyes and dysphoria and anxiety and chronic depression and diagnosed insomnia and ADHD and OCD.

Because when I was 12 my father took me to San Francisco and he wouldn’t drive over the Golden Gate Bridge because he was afraid I would get out and jump off.

Because when I was 6 and my father disappeared and I didn’t know why, I bashed my head against the brick walls and wanted to stab myself in the heart with a kitchen knife.

Because I thought about cutting last night and the night before and the night before and the night before and the night before.

Because all I imagine is the blood dripping from my forearms and my thighs and my ankles and my lips and my neck.

Because I take too many sleep aids hoping they’ll keep me asleep forever.

Because even my worst nightmare asleep is better than my best day awake.

Because there’s a reason my doctor wouldn’t let me take antidepressants.

Because 32 Tylenol and a half bottle of Smirnoff later, I may still be standing but I’m no longer alive.

[cacophon0usly]

Clock

It’s 3 AM

I still crave

the taste of your

lips and the

rush that your

tongue sends right

across my skin

[cacophon0usly]

Infinite

I still care.

I don’t text you anymore, because you infuriate me.

I don’t call you anymore because I got tired of the “I’m busy, can’t talk”s.

But that doesn’t mean that

If my phone lit up with your name,

My heart wouldn’t still skip a beat.

It would.

[cacophon0usly]

Possibilities

Maybe we’re supposed to make mistakes.

Maybe we’re not meant to be.

Maybe we’re stars.

Maybe we’re the lucky ones.

Maybe we’re friends, maybe we’re more.

Maybe we’re all cabinets of wonders.

Maybe we’re meant to meet the wrong people.

Maybe we’re each other’s soulmates.

[cacophon0usly]

Questions

I’ve asked you before and I’ll ask you again.

Do you even want me around?

I know you don’t, but you spare my feelings

And tell me you just need space.

You lie through your teeth to

Occupy my curiosity for another week or two before I ask again,

And you feed me the same lie, not knowing

That you’re not saving either of us.

Do you think you’re saving my heart,

Lying such a blatant lie?

I’ve asked you before and I’ll ask you a million times more

Do you even want me around?

[cacophon0usly]

Claws

I’m afraid to lose you to the claws of time

Where rivers of memories run dry

And the wind pushes us ever forward.

Away from our plans that we planned to plan

But postponed their production until they were simply ideas.

Away from our dreams of being princesses and astronauts and firefighters,

And into the hot, barren wasteland of adulthood.

I’m afraid to lose you to the claws of time

Where your train of thought leaves my station

Where your memories of me evaporate in the sun

While you squint your eyes, trying to find your way forward

When all I want is for you to

Look back.

[cacophon0usly]

Silence

Did I forget to tell you

how much I hate the silence

unless it is filled with

the sound of your lungs

filling and emptying

one breath at a time.

[cacophon0usly]

Invalid

I tried to use my old password today

But I locked myself out of my account

Until I realized

It’s not your name

Anymore

[cacophon0usly]

Unrequited

When I wake up, you’re the first person I message.

But I noticed recently,

that I always seem to message you first.

So today, I think

I’ll sit and see

just how much you want to talk to me.

[cacophon0usly]

Relapse

I thought I was okay

I thought I was fine

But here you are again, to wish me luck

And I’m back on my knees, begging for you

to not leave me alone

[cacophon0usly]

Fooling

I’m really not okay.

[cacophon0usly]

Lonely

I can’t go two minutes without

Checking my phone for

Your name

[cacophon0usly]

Fading

I lie here listening to the mixtape you made me

For no reason at all, just because you felt like it.

And these songs make me nostalgic but not exactly

in a good way, the way nostalgia is represented in

pretentious books

and small coffee shops.

Nostalgic like the rain on your windowsill

that reminds me of the endless days I spent with you

in your room,

talking about nothing and everything all at once

while the clouds cried around us

like they knew that one day we'd fall apart

like the fading paint on the sun-abused

walls of your apartment.