*inhale* Just breathe *exhale*

Taking one day and one step at a time.

[cactus-bunny]

The hardest part about grief is that all you want is to touch them, hug them one more time, but knowing that you will never be able to. I miss his hugs.

[cactus-bunny]

It's the day after my wedding and my grandma walks in at 130 pm to me eating lunch. She says loudly in front of my entire family (extended and such) that I should stop eating because I ate too much yesterday.

First of all, I barely fucking ate yesterday. They aren't kidding when they say you forget to eat at your wedding. And second, even if I did eat "too much" yesterday why does that mean that I shouldn't eat today?

[cactus-bunny]

I'm really upset today.

There are 6 people I work with and I invited them all to my wedding, knowing that a couple would not be able to come due to work but they are my friends and I did not want to exclude them from any step just because they work. It is a small business and the 6 make up the entire support staff for 2 offices.

My wedding is on a Saturday, I knew E does not work Saturdays and gave her ample warning when my wedding was and to not pick up any shifts that day. I also really wanted SH to be there but she has another wedding out of country on the same day. ML, K and S are all committed to working and I thought M was as well. S and M at location A and ML and K at location B.

So this just leaves E to attend. SH gave K (manager) 4 months notice about her vacation and she had plenty of notice for my wedding as well. I also approached K 3 months ago and told her I'd be inviting everyone at the office so she'd have ample time arrange coverage before I sent out invites. She did not do so. It is now 3 weeks to my wedding, it turns out MA doesn't normally work Saturdays and has another wedding commitment, and therefore unable to cover SH's shift at location A.

E had previously advised K that she would not work that day at location A as she really wants to be at my wedding.

I've just learned that K approached E and told her she has no choice but to work that day and that it was her duty as a person with her title within the company.

Majority of my friends are these 6 girls. And with none of them there it will honestly suck, and I will only have 2 other (non work related) friends attend. I am heart broken that E (or any of the other girls) cannot come and so is she.

It just fucking sucks. Beyond that a bunch of family is unable to attend for legitimate reasons but it still frigging blows.

[cactus-bunny]

D: Are you uncomfortable right now?

Me: *nods*

D: What is making you uncomfortable?

Me: I guess I'm just uncomfortable talking to you about this.

D: Why does is make you uncomfortable to discuss it with me?

Me: I guess I still feel incredibly judged from last time...

D: I'm sincerely sorry about that, R. May I ask what you think my judgement is?

Me: Uh, that you think I'm just being dramatic.

D: I don't think you're being dramatic at all! Nor do I think you're "stupid" or "ridiculous" or anything like that. What I think is that you are very frustrated with your depression and anxiety and very frustrated that you haven't been able to "get rid of it". I think you are desperate for an answer to explain why you are the way you are. But I don't think you're dramatic, not even a little bit.

[cactus-bunny]

I was trying to tell a funny drunk story from years ago at dinner today. My dad cut me off to mention a drunk video that appeared of me online from my 19th birthday party and said how embarrassed he was by it.

I remember the video and I also remember that I was sexually assaulted about 30 minutes following it.

The memories came flooding back I withdrew for the rest of the evening. So much for trying to tell a funny story...

**My parents do not know about the SA**

[cactus-bunny]

Sitting here crying because I can't believe my uncle won't be at my wedding...

[cactus-bunny]

Funny therapy conversations

1. 

R: I felt that you were speaking down to me, like... uh *has troubles relaying thoughts*

D: Like I was schooling you?  Like I was this big ol’ pompous know-it-all trying to teach you?

R: *Laughs too hard* YES!

D: *Chuckles* I apologize for that, I definitely don’t know it all.  And it was not my intention to speak down to you, but I understand now how it could come across like that.

2.

R: I feel really terrible about it still.

D: REALLY?!  We’re going to judge 12 year old R for acting like a 12 year old?!

R: *shrugs*

D: NO!!!! WE’RE NOT!!!!

3.

D: If you had an 8 year old who came to you with these same concerns what would you tell her?

R” *Can’t think of anything* *Panics*

D: You don’t know?

R: *Nods*

D: It’s because I put you on the spot isn’t it?

R: Absolutely! *Laughs*

[cactus-bunny]

Therapy things D said to ponder

1. D: R, if being (condition redacted) will make you accept yourself, then I’ll tell you you’re (condition redacted).  But I don’t think you need to label/diagnosis to be able to accept who you are.

2. D: I would like you to be more selfish, to have compassion for yourself, and to see your worth as equal to everyone else’s.

3. D: I know that your mental health is extremely important to you.  And I really commend you SO much for always trying to better understand yourself.  The incredibly hard work you do to help yourself does not go unnoticed.  I give you SO much credit for that, R, and I think you should to.

[cactus-bunny]

A therapy moment that made me tear up

Me: I feel that after 11 years in therapy I am not where I think I should be.  I have barely made any progress.

D: R, I don’t think that is even the least bit true!  When we first met, in June 2011, did you see yourself where you are today?

Me: *ponders* No... I had very bleak prospects for myself then...

D: I remember.  R, you MANAGE a medical practice - and you are GOOD at it, you’re taking a course to become certified - you are an incredibly bright person and you’ve found your niche, you are fully independent - you moved out of your folks home, you’re getting FUCKING married!!!  You have come SO far from where you were 11 years ago, even 5 or 3 years ago.

Me: *shrugs* Yeah, I guess.

D: I think you get so wrapped up in the aspects of yourself and your life that are still a struggle for you and it takes over your mind space and it clouds your judgement and perception of yourself and your accomplishments.

***I find it incredibly hard to accept praise, and it almost always makes me cry.

[cactus-bunny]

D and I had a bump in our relationship on Tuesday. I emailed him afterward to tell him how upset I was about how he handled the situation at hand and that I left therapy that day feeling incredibly stupid and judged.

He responded to me right away to apologise and also scheduled me in for a no charge appointment on Thursday (same week) to discuss it. I was scared to attend this appointment because I didn't want to feel hurt again by him.

I was pleasantly surprised when he completely owned up to his mistake and sincerely apologized for how he made me feel and for letting me leave therapy in a subpar state of mind.

In fact, Thursday's appointment was absolutely fantastic and I left feeling much much better than I did on Tuesday.

I am overall just so so happy that he took my pain seriously and understood that this event really could have affected our relationship negatively and that it was important for him to repair it in that very open and genuine way that he did.

[cactus-bunny]

Me: If I make a mistake at work, I freak out and cry and tell myself I don't deserve the promotion.

D: If your best friend made a mistake at work, would you tell her she doesn't deserve the promotion?

Me: No, of course not!

D: Well then, R, if you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you shouldn't say it to yourself.

[cactus-bunny]

Some heavy stuff came up in therapy today. Things I didn't want to admit to myself. Now I'm dreading speaking to this person about it. But it has to be done.

[cactus-bunny]

D told me today that over the last decade I've been seeing him my self worth has gotten much much much much much better (yes, he used that many much's lol) but that he thinks the sexual assault (which occurred 6 months before we started meeting) really dealt a blow to my self worth at the time that has lasted in some capacity until today. Hopefully now that I am discussing this in therapy my self worth will continue to get better with time, real sick of hating myself all the time.

[cactus-bunny]

I was not super engaging in therapy today, my eye contact fucking sucked, I couldn't organise my thoughts, and I didn't know how to answer half of D's questions. This was an interaction from the end of today's session.

D: You've never considered him to be a sexual assaulter, have you?

Me: No, I never even thought of it as sexual assault until you called it that.

D: Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's what it is.

[cactus-bunny]

D called me out today for lying about sexual assault on my intake form 10 years ago.

Whoops...

*By lying I mean that I said I didn't experience any sexual assault, when in fact I had just 6 months prior.

[cactus-bunny]

For the last week I've had pretty bad abdominal cramping and it was really bad during my therapy today. This conversation was at the end.

D: Have you talked to your doctor about this?

Me: Yeah.

D: Are you taking any medication?

Me: No, but I know what's happening, I just have to ride it out.

D: *looks confused*

Me: I'd rather not discuss it...

D: *chuckles* Alright, I don't want to push you, I've pushed you enough today.

[cactus-bunny]

Not loving my GP's way of doing appointments during the pandemic. I left a message this morning and the receptionist never called back. So when I called back again she said she let him know and that he should be calling me today, didn't give me a time or anything. So then my GP calls and I missed it and the only number I can call back is the reception again. He left me a message saying he'll try again later. Later what? Later today, later this week? I'll be at work tomorrow so if he calls I'll probably miss it and then it's the weekend and then I'll be working again on Monday. Like how hard is it to book a specific time for each patient so I'm not anxiously sitting by my phone all day and beating myself up when I miss the call! I'm seeing my psych again on Tuesday and now I'll have to tell him I still have not spoken to my doctor about my medications and I'm so worried he's going to hate me for it. I don't know why I put it off this long. I hate myself.