Untitled

[camisfate]

wife beater aura

yeah, you’ve got a new man, yeah, you can’t understand but i can see through the veil he’s put up, yeah, he’s got that wifebeater aura.

no honey, you wouldn’t get it, which is why i’m typing an email i’ll never send, but soon you’ll come running to me once he starts the beatings, the happiness is just a trend.

yeah, you can talk now, but just wait a few months, soon it’ll all be bar pretzels and beer stained tank tops.

cant say i feel bad, you broke up with me for some reason and “moved on”, but you really fell down.

sure, it sucks to know he’s not what he seems but it kinda gets me going, honestly.

i got you before you fell from grace, and now you there babe: Rock bottom, population you.

How do I know all that I do about him? he’s got wife beater aura, it reeks like his stale cigarette smoke.

babe, i’m not gonna get close, you’ll think i’m trying to get you back, and it stings, but i’m done with all that.

have fun with your happily never after, but you’ve got a man that’s got wife beater aura

[camisfate]

Do you not like me anymore? Was there something I could've done better? Why don't you respond to my prayers?

you want me to treat you like a god, and i guess you play the part, with the way you demand devotion while rejecting my questions.

Did I not hit my knees fast enough? Was my head not bowed low? Did I not surrender my body to your unknown will? Was there too little parts of me at the offering table?

you held your hand like a muzzle to my face, i liked not knowing what to say, the crushing weight of the limits of your love unbound by logic.

i was searching for something in the desert, whether it is a mirage or a waterfall, im not sure.

[camisfate]

i thought i was losing you,

so i pushed you away,

better waving that white flag, 

than losing the upper hand.

it was bitter, like ice in a warm cut

but it had to be done, I thought.

i guess there is a god up there after all,

cause you came back like a magnets pull.

i thought i lost you, but i guess i couldn’t see

the heavy noose tied rope,

chaining you to me.

it’s what they don’t tell you about soulmates,

same heart, separate ribcages.

[camisfate]

i wanted love, but you hurt me

It's all the same now, don't worry baby.

i like the surprise, the wondering

if ill hear your yells, or your sweet nothings.

...

My friends and family pity me.

you do too, i think, in your own way

thats why you do this,

you say in between kicks, 

you love me so much

as to leave bruises, painful reminders of you,

purple and yellow

like the shades of the flowers you used to bring home.

its reminders like that that tell me why i am so

pathetic for you, or rather, 

who you used to be.

..

Do I miss him, the older, kinder version of you?

Does the dog still play with the toys used to beat it?

i miss him, but only because of mundane reasons,

i knew what i’d make for dinner, 

or how the dinner conversation

would go.

..

Why don't i leave?

i melt under your hands,

both forms,

when they are raised and when they are cupping my face.

[camisfate]

I'm bleeding for you baby, 

it's all over the phone screen. 

I give and give, 

but all I get are read receipts. 

Why won't you respond? 

I'm running out of guts, 

And with every paragraph I send, 

I want to throw up. 

I never used to be this way, 

I could keep my heart in its cage, 

but now I wear it on my sleeve, a premature tragedy. 

I wish I could delete messages, 

to have my feelings replenish, 

but I sliced myself open 

on your cold shoulder. 

I need some warmth 

from you to cauterize the wound. 

It's not like it would help me any, 

the message box is all blue from my many messages. 

I type a rectangle, and I see the phone says "read" 

but have you actually heard what ive bled, 

or did you leave the screen on?

[camisfate]

i take a hit

whenever I see you with him,

a crowded house party,

I don't know what I was thinking/expecting.

it’s like a punch to the gut

we said good bye,

you said good

but i’m living in this home we built

it crumbles every time you kiss him

and i have to take a hit from my vape pen,

my eyes are sore,

but not as much as my throat

to keep from saying things that would ruin your evening.

i must look like a fool,

in the middle of a crowded room,

staring at you two,

touching like we used to,

some creep, smoke coming from his ears and mouth 

as he stares at someone no longer his,

with someone who is better than him, if we are honest.

I take a hit seeing how you are better off without me,

but i keep crumbling, 

wishing maybe you’d see 

me in the middle of the room,

wanting to rebuild what I tore down.

[camisfate]

Why do you insist on making suffering palatable?

hearts on the dots of the eyes in “suicide”,

calling it “unalive”

Who are you trying to impress?

maybe agony can just be agony,

and not confetti. 

drowning, but you comment on how blue the ocean is.

babe, you don’t have to tiptoe,

there’s no balancing act you need to complete,

you don’t gotta make suffering pretty.

[camisfate]

isn’t it obvious,

i have nothing left for you now

so why do you keep 

vigiling at a house you burnt down?

you didn’t listen when i was around, you don’t listen now,

What was even the point of me having a mouth?

isn’t it obvious,

you can’t keep buying out the flower shops

hoping that one more plastic rose

will make me less caustic.

you took what little i gave,

then you took my life.

I'm in the grave now,

waiting for you to say something,

an apology, perhaps

but you just look around and 

throw the flowers on the disturbed ground.

i’m waiting for you to finally snap,

and do something you can't take back.

i still have bones, baby,

and a non beating heart,

and if you wanted to take more,

you could take those apart.

[camisfate]

It scares me how far I'm willing to go for you. 

I would rip my heart open with a box cutter, 

just because you wanted to see inside it. 

I let you call me a pet, I let you in my bed, 

but all you give me is reassurance you aren't like them, 

while proving you are one. 

I say own me, and you do,   

but as a dog you leave outside all day long. 

I know it's a matter of time before we blow up, 

like a bomb, yet I still say forever. 

You're the first person who's made me feel this way, 

and I want to keep it, make it how it was before, 

but I just don't know how to play house

without showing you the door. 

i send i love you, you go "oh..." like its a fucking 

puppet show and you lost the script. 

My eyes are heavy, so is my heart, 

and I want to leave you but don't know

who I would be without your constant riddles, 

your demand for attention. 

But that's you, the rose that drags me down, 

my own sea to drown in. 

I wonder, sometimes when I lay awake, 

What would you do if you saw my empty grave? 

I don't want to scare you away, 

I don't want to frighten, but if I died, 

Would that make you feel lighter? 

If I hung myself, would you be floating in the air? 

i would slowly suffocate on all my wasted pillowtalk, 

if it meant you would give a fuck if i was here or not. 

If you saw my obituary, would you cry or just laugh and 

trample another girl? 

i dont want to know, i dont want to find out, 

but if things continue the way they are going now, 

you might have to glimpse a time where I'm not around. 

It scares me how far I'm willing to go for you.

[camisfate]

you look like roadkill right now,

your brains are coming out of your mouth, hon,

It's disgusting, yet I can't look away.

you explain all the ways we can’t work that

i was hoping you would ignore

but you didn’t, now your voice is coming out of your ass.

your words keep spurting out

but it’s no use,

you're already dead to me.

yes, i know it’s petty

i know it’s not right,

we were something good,

but now i’m just going to leave 

you at the side of the road.

your eyes are leaking, 

i thought i could save it,

but i cant,

so i’ll just drive away.

[camisfate]

2 am and i can’t sleep

the world is scary and im worried

i cant text you to help me

you only talk when you're horny.

i wish we were more than

a late night bootycall,

only sexually involved

and all of your pillow talking

just makes me fall

head over heels

into tumble weeds 

like the silence i get

when i try to call you ‘baby’

the only ‘ring’ you want to give is 

when it’s a rolled up condom

it frustrates me, cause when we come,

it sounds like a beautiful duet,

why can’t we just test it out,

if only for a day?

if not, there’s no harm done

cuz you don’t seem to love me anyway.

[camisfate]

you ghosted me,

now i’m haunted by all the things

you’ll leave behind.

why can’t you just lay to rest, baby,

i’m sick of all these reminders

that I couldn't save us.

you treated me like a dog,

and i thought i wanted more, 

but now i’m sitting by your empty grave, 

waiting for you to fill it.

i won’t even know what i did wrong,

or was it even me?

i lay awake at night,

questioning why

it was such a chore for you to say “bye”

but it was so easy for you to take 

what you wanted from this.

i can’t even write your grave marker

because i need to know when our

fate was decided.

[camisfate]

i thought that this was what i wanted, 

Why am I so scared? 

your voice has haunted me, 

So I wanted to get back together. 

maybe it is just the 6 days we were apart, 

But why do I only remember the good parts? 

the pet names, but wasn't that all they were? 

names for a pet, something you 

expected to show on command. 

but, wait, there were bad parts, 

a whole week of me crying because of something you did. 

you text something back, 

and i see the notification, but dont open it. 

Am I really doing this? 

we send read receipts, 

so if i do, i wont be able to leave you, 

It's a lose-lose for me. 

last time we talked, you owned me, and i thought 

i was happy with that, 

but it was so long since anyone's given me attention, 

maybe i just grabbed on to whatever was close, 

not realizing it would drag me more under. 

i suppose i could answer the dm, 

could go back to you, as always, 

a lost puppy returned to its owner, 

since that was what you always wanted, right? 

your allergic to fur, so you want another person to 

bleed for you, to crawl after your feet, begging to kiss them.

you called that love, 

giving me a warm blanket under your thumb, 

but true love does not own, does it? 

it supports.

[camisfate]

We used to pillow talk, 

but now I leave a pillow voicemail, 

face deep in your mattress, 

wet with my snot, 

making noises so quiet even god can't hear. 

you used to want me screaming your name, 

now you don't care, so i ask

the blankets if i should end us. 

you like to pull my hair, 

you must not notice the spots where its just scalp, 

where i did the same over this arrangement, 

calling it a relationship seems too generous, 

that would suggest there's relations between us, 

not just this empty fucking.

[camisfate]

you wanted all of me, 

you wanted my devotion, 

so tell me, please 

when i ripped myself open for you, 

why did you decide to leave? 

there's cherry red organs all over the dinner table, 

dripping onto the floor. 

i wanted you to find love inside, 

like you did outside, 

but you gagged twice, 

then grabbed your suitcase 

and left through the side door 

to avoid saying goodbye. 

what's the matter, 

was all of me too much for you?

did you want to say sweet things 

when you only had salt? 

when you adored all of me, 

were you not thinking of 

the disgusting stuff inside? 

you said you wanted to own me, 

you wanted all of my dark parts, 

but when i showed them, 

you departed. 

that was really rude, know that? 

i don’t want to lose you over 

words that shouldn't have been said,

so when you said you wanted all of me, 

you just meant the parts you already knew.

just please tell me why

when i ripped myself open for you, 

you decided to leave?

[camisfate]

male validation. 

drowning in slow motion, 

I need it, yet hate it. 

I don't deserve it, but I crave it. 

male validation, filling my dms,

they dont care if i know their name, 

and don't ask for mine,

though they are all different,

they are the exact same, they way they 

don't care about the one they talk to. 

they keep sending me pictures, 

pictures i didnt ask for. they all blur together,

And I'm not sure who is who anymore.

i have to say they all look so big and 

that they could torture my organs

they tell me things, unspeakable things. 

but they say them, and expect me to like it.

all of this, just for them to ‘get it up’

Its nasty, its disgusting,

But it's the only way I feel like I'm enough.

male validation, 

i couldnt get any from anyone else, 

so its up to horny strangers on the 

internet to do the job. 

im trapped in a paradox, 

if noone sexualizes me, 

Am I capable of being loved?

[camisfate]

“you’ll be the death of me”

i say to her face

but she follows me everywhere

How am I going to get space?

our hands have turned red,

with how much blood

has been on them

if we didn’t deserve it,

I'd have a guilty conscience.

we sleep in separate beds,

mine flowery and calming.

Her bed, however, is a coffin.

we are like bonnie and clyde,

her and i.

if we could touch,

our skin would be alight

after every fire we set.

she never looks as beautiful

as when she’s breaking down,

her red hands bring out 

the blue in her eyes,

i keep telling her,

we need to change

but she thinks we are better

when we stay the same.

and maybe she's right,

maybe it won’t be good again,

if we do get better

but if i know one thing,

it's that

she’ll be the death of me.

and i, her,

because we can only see each other

in the reflection in the mirror