poetry.

love is fantasy

[candlewickatnight]

Falling in Love

my heart is like ice melting

in the sun

and everything i know

of honey

dripping from my mouth

sugar

stuck in my teeth

roses

in between my thighs

grenadine

running through my veins

icing

frozen on my lips

from of your kiss

it’s a sickness

otherwise known as

the feeling of falling in love

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

Soft & Blue

I could lay kingdoms at your feet

But you never asked for a crown.

Your love for me is so discrete

I’ve been blessed by a permanent frown

You move like a ghost on wires

Fingers tapping out your hours.

Eyes stitched to glowing screens.

Is this all you’ll ever be?

I’m the one you’re blaming, but

I built cathedrals from my waiting.

I try to hold on to what’s at stake,

But, even a saint can break.

Is an angel even worth saving?

You are Stonehenge.

Heavy, ancient, a monument to everything that might have been.

I am the Renaissance, color spilling from my skin.

Waiting for a ring that never came…

Do beautiful things always put themselves to blame?

You held the stars in your pocket

But you gave your hours to glass screens

To pixelated worlds that asked nothing of you.

Rotting in my necklace locket,

I beg my throat not to scream:

Is this all you’ll ever do?

I stitched my dreams into your hands.

But you let them fall through like water.

I’m still stuck in your dream land.

Does your mom still call me her daughter?

You are Stonehenge,

Weathered and worn.

As the Renaissance,

I was the light you never mourned.

You promised me a life, a view.

But July feels cold now,

and so do you.

I will keep your shirts…tried and blue.

Is it true that I could never keep you?

We share the same love for the dark.

The films we watch, the songs we mark.

But you're a shadow, slipping past, afraid to build, too lost to last.

I'll love you in the ways we dream,

But can I just let that be?

You are Stonehenge.

Tall and cold.

I am the Renaissance.

The sun that never folds.

We burn in silence, wild and true.

But I could never keep you.

I will keep your shirts, soft and blue.

But I could never, never keep you.

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

i was a kingdom before you

The moon is a lazy voyeur

peeking through blinds,

draped in the sweat of our second chances

you smell like the end

of something i never wanted to survive

i was stitched together by quiet women

ghosts who pressed sugar

into the mouths of screaming boys

they told me to

live slow

love foolish

love like you’ve got time

but lose it anyway

you enter like a hum,

your voice the color of dusk

if dusk could ache

i was a kingdom before you

now i’m just a hallway

that leads to your name

i let you in,

not like a guest

but like a storm

i prayed for in secret

you keep tenderness

in your back pocket,

pulling it out

when the world gets too cruel

for my soft armor

we don’t speak in futures

we whisper in nows,

we dance in the dark,

watched by our regrets.

you pour more into me

like fire

like you were made to undo

the silence in my bones

and honey, i roll into you like the night does the sea

slow,

certain,

drenched in god

and wanting nothing

but more

ash and amen

[candlewickatnight]

Hand in Glove

i used to wish i had your life

born sick then praised by everyone you love

i still wish i was sick

so my parents would notice me

but then it clicked

it wouldn’t matter if i were to be

and i know i will forever be

used like a hand in glove

and i know i will never be

loved

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

Salt

As I’m witnessing from an astral perspective

Her heart is nearly defective

With her mouth just above water gasping for air

She tries to understand the ocean

So it’s something she can learn to bare

As she’s slowly sinking under

Her heart races learning to prepare

The depths of a void that is ready to plunder

But somehow she’s not that scared

The pulse she’s had forever is starting to stall

Her hand reaching above water

An attempt at a final call

But the tide has finally caught her

Eyes closing with acceptance she lets herself drown

And for the last time, letting herself down

Through the water looking up at the sun

Realizing this is the best thing

She ever could have done

As I witnessed from an astral perspective

Her heart has always been defective

Disappointed yet glad

Death is the best thing she ever could of had

[candlewickatnight]

acid rain

something is pushing me into the mattress in my bedroom

and just as I feel fine enough to go outside, i’ve come to rain acid on everyone around me

praising what should be considered debris, i’m drinking my 3 day old tea on my nightstand

this is not what i had planned

from my mattress, i have sunken into the floor

and as my body begs me to reach for the door, i remind myself that when acid rain comes, it pours

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

The Fly

I’m too sick to eat, I have no teeth

Everyone is scared of me as if I

have a disease

What if I do? In the back of my eyes and the cells of my heart

It’s terrifying knowing that I compare it to art

What if I told you I don’t feel anything when I do?

My exoskeleton is laying on the floor of my room

It’s comforting being so sad

And I know how it sounds, it sounds so bad

What if it’s the only feeling I’ve ever learned to have?

Though I have 360 degree vision, it’s taught me that I can’t stand the world I live in

Ommatidia, how I wish I could take you away

To convince myself that I could live another day

Frozen still for days in total focus

While the world is in complete disarray,

I notice

It’s not a disease or diagnosis

I am the fly on the wall

Completely hopeless

And I wish I could say I cared

But my exoskeleton is still on the floor

And I couldn’t wish for anything more

It doesn’t matter because my time is coming soon

The temperature of my room

is cold enough to kill the strongest living creature that’s yet to bloom

What if I told you I’m the weakest?

You wouldn’t know because you have skin and bones

And I’m aware that I’m simply the sickest

Because my exoskeleton is still on the floor

As my visions fading away

Like a lit cigarette butt in an ashtray

I stare at my vessel frozen yet glad

Knowing that it’s all I’ve ever had…

Taking this in slow

While I’m freezing to death

I’m relieved to know

I’m finally at my last breath

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

the value of you

i waited for a ring that never came

it’s not about the value of jewelry

it’s about the value of you

so why didn’t you?

who else is gonna know you?

who else will wait while you figure it out?

who else can explain what you’re all about?

now i’m stuck in a drought gasping for water after feeling like the ocean with you

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

Shark in the Desert

How strong and ancient could the sea be?

Do you think words could be as deep?

Imagine all mouths were to weep

his name, his remain, and his eternal sleep.

Imagine how fragile a young mind could be.

Imagine you’re bleeding to death:

all flashback memories in your head.

The air, your mother, the comfort of your bed.

Sound, water, the texture of bread.

All, as you taste the metallics of what seems like lead.

While you picture these things,

I may be pulling some strings but

your mind could never truly digest

the thought of yourself dead.

Imagine if I could have bought

some time, compassion, and thought.

2014, what was before me on the laptop:

A screen, my best friend, an adjacent gunshot.

For me, an ultimate loss.

For him, the ultimate jackpot.

For him, it was happiness, truth, a success.

For me, just wishing that I knew his address.

You never belonged, like a shark in the desert.

I relate to you more than you think you know.

You, always in that same plaid t-shirt.

The thought of it every day makes me

want to sink into dirt.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you,

I always knew you were beyond blue.

I could’ve done something but instead I flew

into my room in the same headspace

as you.

This is hard for me to confess:

I was eleven, while you were in heaven

If I believed in God I would keep you blessed

but because of you, I’m sorry, but

I will forever be just as depressed

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

Goodbye

After all the years of screaming underwater in the deep blue and crying puddles of tears

I’ve become more numb to the pain

After all of the staring into space

With salty tears on my face, I’ve become more accepting of the emptiness in my brain

Oh how I wish, how I wish I had something to lose

Looking in the mirror and thinking

“When they look through me, do they hate what they see like I do?”

Oh how I wish, how I wish I had something to lose

Looking in the mirror and thinking

“Whose fault is it; me or you?”

After waking up in the middle of the night

I wonder if this whole thing is worth the fight,

Living my life as I’m a fish out of water, suffocating more with each breath I take

I’m starting to feel like the ocean waves

Oh how I wish, how I wish I had something to lose

Looking in the mirror and thinking,

“When they look through me, do they hate what they see like I do?”

Oh how I wish, how I wish I had something to lose

Looking in the mirror and thinking

“Whose fault is it; me or you?”

Sitting on my bed at 4 in the morning

In my head I feel vultures swarming

Watching the dust collect on the dresser

I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt relief

And in my chest, all I feel is pressure

I’ll always be blue, so this is the only way to live my life

Sit and feel time go by

I’ve become myself

I reside with no one else

I’ve now become the whole ocean

Salty tears and a black void, it’s become my potion and I’ve become frozen

Oh how I wish, how I wish I had something to lose

Looking in the mirror and thinking,

“When they look through me, do they hate what they see like I do?”

Oh how I wish, how I wish I had something to lose

Looking in the mirror and thinking

Goodbye

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

The Back of Your Head

I’ve been thinking a lot about the back of your head

During the walk we took to the shed

You belittled me and twisted me like it was your ecstasy

I could’ve taken my mallet in the shed to your brain

It would’ve been your loss but my gain

These visions I have follow me to bed

They carry so much dread it scares the demons in my head

I’ve been thinking a lot about the back of your head

The same night you laid me in bed

You went out with her

Your excuse was that everything was a blur

Let me see what’s inside of your head

That night I brought you to our shed

I walked behind you

Staring at the back of your head

I looked right and blinked

I found the mallet in my hand

I looked forward and sighed

This isn’t what I planned

Looking down, all I saw was red as you bled

I can finally see what’s inside of your head

It’s been 3 years and

I’ve been thinking a lot about the back of your head

It’s been 3 years and

I know I’ll never love again

Took the ink from my pen

Poured it into the palm of my hands

In the reflection I see your face that I wish could erase

This ink turns into red planets

It’s like I’m looking into space

Why has it turned into a puddle of red

From the shed

Now I feel like a disgrace

Self sabotage from the ink of my pen

In the palm of my hands

Splashed it onto my face

Just to feel something

All I felt was pain

Way better than the love that you gave

Could you even call it that?

It’s been 3 years

Why is the mallet still in my hand?

Dust collected on my head

Through the window I see

You’re still in bed

Like a dog submerged in the sea

I’m still in the shed

I’ve been thinking a lot about the back of your head

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

Oh Henrietta

May fourth, I dropped to the floor and

yet again in our apartment.

Do you remember upstairs when it felt so rare?

Shark tank, living the dream, the hottest summers with no AC.

TV dinners, and of the world we were winners.

Our best memories live there, Henrietta.

Oh, Henrietta

This is a feeling of nostalgia,

but it’s forever upon us and

I know you feel like you aren’t close to me

but the universe made us be.

The universe made us be.

I cry about you every day

and my thoughts are always mean to me.

I know you know what I mean.

I need you,

a dog that begs,

helpless, its so beautiful.

Yet, I always bite my tongue.

But I think it could be sung so

Please, please, please don’t be a stranger, Our love will never be in danger.

So can you stay for just one more day,

Henrietta?

Oh, Henrietta

This is a feeling of nostalgia,

but it’s forever upon us and

I know you feel like you aren’t close to me

but the universe made us be.

the universe made us be.

Thank you for this shirt.

I know it cost nothing, but you gave it to me.

Solitaire by The Carpenters reminds me of he,

the one who gifted me Earth House for free.

You don’t know how much it hurts

for me to see

the lovely days bestowed upon me.

“Hip hip hooray!” The shirt will say.

Though I’m feeling low, this is how I know you will always stay, Henrietta.

Oh, Henrietta

I live in these days

This isn’t nostalgia,

you will always stay.

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

Intentions of a Mourning Dove

When your lips touched my shoulder blade

on the swings at the june parade

I thought

this is gonna go wrong

and it’s gonna be my fault

Cause when I see you

I feel you

I know you

I know you

Do you?

The morning when I walked to your house

you were sitting in your underwear

with the sunbeam shining in your hair

in that moment I felt scared

That night I called you on the phone

I just didn’t want you to be alone

and as you talked to me about your feelings

I convinced myself that I didn’t care

and I know thats not fair

But I saw you

I felt you

I felt you

For a moment I knew you

Do you?

Today, I drove to those swings

the ones from the june parade

I only wanted you for sex

If you knew it would make you a wreck

I have to push away whenever i feel love

If a bug knew the intentions of a mourning dove…

But that’s all I do

I make you blue

But I see you

I promise you

I know you

I knew you

Do you?

I’m sorry if I made you cry

and made you want to die

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

September

In my head there is a street with lavenders I like to greet, yet I think I always hurt their feelings.

In my heart there’s kings and queens that people mistake for heartstrings.

They order fucked up things from me it stings, you know what I mean.

Honey, why don’t you come home?

I’ve been waiting for you.

Why don’t you come home?

You know it’s getting cold.

It’s the middle of September, I know.

So, why don’t you come home?

Honey, why don’t you remember?

In your heart I know it bleeds

So, you’ve desensitized it and taped on wings.

Now, it’s growing out dead weeds

with the ring you promised me.

I see it sinking to your feet,

But it still whispers sweet things to me

that’s how I know it still beats.

Laying down staring at the ceiling,

Thinking this time I’m really healing,

But my kings and queens tell my skin

that it needs pealing.

Your greatest love is the tiny screen.

Every day for you is like a looped movie scene.

You promised me I’d be your wife.

So, I know you’ll stitch me back to life.

My lavenders are dying,

My kings and queens are rotting,

My street is covered in rust,

I’m still here, right where you left me.

Alone, my body covered in dust.

Honey, why don’t you come home?

I’ve been waiting for you.

Why don’t you come home?

You know it’s getting cold.

It’s the middle of September, I know.

So, why don’t you come home?

Honey, why don’t you remember?

Alissa McKee

[candlewickatnight]

We’re In Love (Alissa’s Version)

If you rewrite your life,

May I still play a part?

In the next one

Will you find me?

I’ll be the girl with the sunflower in her hand

Who looks like one half of a heart

And asks for help

And if you do

I’ll know it’s you

I can’t imagine you without the same dimple on your cheek

When you twirl your hair, specific streaks

There is something about you that I will always recognize

And if you don’t remember

I will try to remind you of our beach

You know the one

And the thousand swims we took in the ocean

And the “diamond” in our first house

And Gananda’s frozen pond

And the walk we took in Brooklyn

I could go on and on and on and I will

I could go on and on and on

Until

It all comes back

[candlewickatnight]

Nostalgia

Cocaine on my back seat

I thought you only smoked weed.

Cigarettes and Altoids

‘In the Stars’ at Bath and Body.

Nostalgia creeping up at my door

Opened up, she kicked me to the floor.

Blood is pouring out of my mouth

It’s bittersweet, I’m begging for more.

Leather seats in 90 degree heat

“Why long sleeves?” They’ll always ask me.

Smoking weed as young teens

Been Swifties since two O’ one three.

Nostalgia knows I love her so

But her hate for me always grows.

This time she picked me up by my throat

Nostalgia, what a good throw!

Kinkade paintings on my walls

Dust collects and it always falls.

Bloomfield, Gates, Gananda

Love is gained, broken then lost.

Nostalgia sneaking up once more

She always comes, her love always goes.

This time she looked me in my eyes

in hers, there’s cobwebs and flies.

I then realized that we are both to blame.

We are one and the same.

Cocaine was on my backseat

Funny to think you only smoked weed.

With cigarettes and altoids,

I’m in the stars at Bath and Body.

Alissa Mckee

[candlewickatnight]

Florence

I grew a life with you.

One that we used to call our flowers, our garden;

It reminded us of Stonehenge.

We thought it was the ancient love that it held.

No,

It was the death that it welt.

Life was there, it was real and forgotten.

Beneath, the stones carry dead bodies,

you and I are almost a copy.

Replicated into something that was meant to be beautiful, long-lasting.

An immortal 18th century sonnet left with nothing but tragedy.

It was meant to be our garden, why would we call it Stonehenge?

Was it because of the comfort of it lasting forever?

We could have been Florence, Italy.

Wiser, beautiful like a Renaissance piece in the 1500’s.

A Shakespeare sonnet, my Romeo, my star crossed lover, my death.

We could have been the dark ages, ending with the start of

The Renaissance.

You know what they say,

Right person, wrong time.

I lost this life with you.

Alissa McKee