Brandon the Chihuahua

The name is Brandon | Trans | In An Open Relationship | Pansexual | He/His/Him Pronouns | Fandoms: DMMd, SPN, ML, Osomatsu-san, DDADDS | Intersectional Feminist | Dog Therian | Indiana | CGLRE Little

[animentality]

[canisbaileyilupus]

Pink Noise

There's a video I found and its really making me feel better. It's strange that sound can change how you feel in an instant. For example, this video is called Pink Noise, and its supposed to help autistic people like myself. I have to say, the moment the sound began, everything just melted away. My thoughts quieted, I don't feel so anxious, and I feel like I can finally breathe for a bit. It was so peaceful, I felt like I could cry. I don't know how people live without a disorder, I'll never understand how the brain can just be in silence and have nothing going on. The brain is so weird.

I was reading through the comments and it made me think about other things in my life. The long drives home from the beach when I was 9 years old, listening to car against the road and feeling the vibration of the car lulling me to sleep. I remember the nights when the moon was full and the world was still, like humanity stopped existing for the moment, only letting the earth be. I remember laying in my bed, in my own room, the air conditioner kicking on and the rumbling in the walls was the only sound in the house. Once again, the world was still. There was nothing to think about, nothing to do but lay down and sleep. It reminds me of stories my mom told me about my childhood, how the only way she could get me to sleep as a baby was put me in my car seat and drive around the neighborhood because the only way I'd sleep is if the car was rocking me.

There were so many signs, but they were all ignored by everyone for so long. It's only now, in my 30s, that I can see. From the car rides to make me sleep, to the fact that I knew how to read before I started school as a child, to the "tunnel vision" as my mother put it, and how it caused me to have an anxiety attack at only 13 years old, all of it.

Right now, as I'm writing, I don't feel the pain of my memories. I'm still listening to the video and remembering certain parts of my past isn't hurting me. I feel free, and maybe this noise will help me get think through my trauma, too.

[canisbaileyilupus]

this site has changed so much. i miss how it used to be. it was so simple before, but its so busy now. there's so much to look at, so many annoying posts that don't matter to my feed, i'm getting lots of posts that aren't even relatable to me.

this shit site just got worse and it makes me sad.

[biglawbear]

Where's that post that's like "I can't buy expensive things like plane tickets on my phone, I have to use my laptop, big purchases are for the big screen"

Because apparently this is a literal actual thing that retailers hate cuz you think more before spending a lot of money, they want you to spend a lot without thinking about it so much

Source

Keep buying Big Things on the Big Screen, it's healthy for you financially to think before spending a lot of money!

[canisbaileyilupus]

My Best Friend

When I first started middle school, I hopped onto the bus and a girl let me sit next to her. We instantly hit it off, talked about what we liked and when I was finally allowed to use the family computer, she was the first person I added on Yahoo Messenger. That summer, she showed me Inuyasha and from that moment on, my life changed forever. I started watching the show on tv, when the 3rd movie came out, we watched it together, I remember playing Xbox in her bedroom and looking at Limewire and watching silly cosplay videos throughout my middle school years. When I moved, I didn't see her all that often. I tried to spend time with her, eventually learning about myself and realizing that she was pretty and attractive. But she's my best friend and I never saw her that way. Although, I still did think about wanting to see her breasts.

Life changed so much that she moved out of state, got married, her siblings also moved out and started their new families and were just living. I had a different life completely, also moving out of state.

I deleted my Facebook and felt a huge shift in my life. I no longer feel exhausted from keeping up with friendships that didn't give me happiness. I miss the cosplay days I used to have, the friends I made during cons and the endless amounts of work I put into cosplay videos. Bu then I remembered the drama, the breakups, the lost friendships and how everyone was doing better than me. So removing myself from the website was freeing.

There is one person who I never wanted to stop talking to, my best friend from middle school, the girl who literally changed my entire life. I have no idea where I could be without her. I don't know who I would be if I didn't have anime in my life.

She called me yesterday and it was like my old self from back then came back. I feel like everything that has happened the last 20 years just disappeared, that we were still in our childhood homes, on the landline phone, talking about silly shit.

Even if I didn't have a single friend left in my life besides her, life would still be okay. I was going to be okay.

Be kind to yourself and cherish that one friendship you have. Never let it go.

[seeingteacupsindragons]

Little life advice:

Everyone who says not to set your stove clock or microwave clock because you won't use them and don't look at them anyway is lying.

Set them.

Because sometimes, you will come come from a week away when no one was in your home, and see the stove and microwave clocks blinking and go, "Oh shit, the power went out while I was gone, even though it's clearly back, which means every single thing in my fridge and freezer might have gotten room temperature and refrozen, and will give me food poisoning."

And it will be the only indication whatsoever not to eat it.

Anyway, just got back from the grocery store, but at least I don't have botulism.

[pengychan]

I know this is a 'better safe than sorry' kind of scenario, but if you like me live in a place where power often goes off for a few minutes due to power grid failures in summer with all the A/C units going in the neighborhood, it's not going to help.

Put a glass full of water in the freezer. I use a shot glass to save space. Once the water is frozen, put a coin on top.

If when you're back the coin is under the ice, you know your shit has defrosted and should be thrown out.

[canisbaileyilupus]

My only thought when I read this was "if only Ladybug and Cat Noir were real."

I need to get off the internet.

[canisbaileyilupus]

Take me back to the days when I would spend literal hours upon hours looking at Destiel posts and writing Klance fanfics. Suck me back into hell, it's better than real life.

[canisbaileyilupus]

i just reblogged a bunch of posts to another non-fandom account of mine i am devastated

[gerardwaysbob]

Euripides, from “Orestes” (trans. Anne Carson) x Are Dan and Phil in a Relationship?

[canisbaileyilupus]

Life updates

This year has been really shit. Like, I haven't felt like this since 2015. During that year, I had started living with my parents again, my youngest sister was never home so I eventually took over her bedroom, my uncle moved so he was no longer living with my parents, and my middle sister was living with her abusive boyfriend at the time. I was trying to figure myself out, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life and with my relationships being my saving grace, it ended and I spiraled into a depression.

This year, its different, but still feels the same. I have a job, I'm paying bills, and I'm still not making enough at the end of the month. I can't pay everything on my own and have to get help from my mother who keeps complaining about me getting a license. I have told her time and time again that I can't because I'm scared. I have an issue with seeing outside the vehicle and the distance between lines and other cars and curbs, I'm just afraid I can't do it.

Then, there's other things. For example, my love life. My fiance and I have been engaged for over 2 years now and we're still nowhere close to me moving over there. His mother is starting to like me I think? But there's just so much I don't know. I'm scared I won't get to marry him before the country goes to shit, I've been trying to save and raise money to move and I'm not able to save anything. He's working on getting dual citizenship in Mexico too and I can't do that. My grandparents on my dads side of the family died really early in my life, so I don't have that luxury if being in America becomes too dangerous. Its gotten so bad here that my health insurance is denying my HRT because they don't cover it anymore, so I have to rely on GoodRx. My fiance wants to take things slow, so slow in fact that I'm calling him my husband in my head and I'm dreaming about starting a family with him and he's just not doing that. He says he is but I don't see any sense of urgency. He thinks we have all this time, but we're already in our 30s and I don't want to get married in our 50s and we lose the ability to have a child. It's terrifying.

And then there's the state of the country scaring me. I'm a trans man living in the US. I just got in trouble at my job for using the mens bathroom because my work has a policy saying that I can't use a mens room, I have to use the womens room. It's digusting. I can't wait to quit this place and trash talk my job. I've been collecting information throughout the last few months from working there, just like I did with Walmart. When I quit, I'm going to send this massive email to myself and never talk to anyone from there ever again. I can't send emails to myself right now, they monitor all of my activity on the computers at work so I just have to wait until I can quit to send the email to me. They'll know I talk shit before I can find a way out.

And now comes the hard part. My mental state. During my last trip to see my fiance, he didn't want to be intimate. Cuddling and sleeping was his go-to when I was in his room, which is nice, I love it, but we discussed other things and we just.... didn't do anything. And then I hurt him and it really made me crash and burn. I felt like he didn't like my body anymore, that I wasn't attractive and that he wasn't interested in my body. I mean, its changed a lot since we first met in person, but it got really bad before my visit. I was struggling to get his attention, I didn't have anything remotely appealing to get his eyes on me, I was always the one to make the first move, I'm always the one to message him first, I'm the horny one. So, I started pulling back, worried about my body and I starting being unable to eat, sleep, think. Leaving bed before noon was a struggle, and when I did get out of bed, my anxiety hit me like a truck and I'd dry heave and vomit almost every morning. When I finally showed up to his house, I still wasn't able to eat very much, coffee wasn't something I drank anymore so drinking it again caused me to feel so gross, I was getting dizzy and my heart wouldn't stop pounding and my stomach was killing me. Him not touching me was making me sad too, so I had to deal with my problems alone. I was starting to think "maybe I should just deal with this myself from now on, I'm not getting the attention I used to, forget it." I stopped taking pictures of myself shortly before the trip, I stopped talking sexually almost completely, I just felt like a burden.

And then came the harsh reality that hit me. After the trip, my fiance talked to me about hurting him and I just broke down. I told him I was going to continue to be sexually distant, I haven't been feeling myself and that I just feel gross. I didn't talk about anything sexual anymore, I stopped sharing adult content with him before the trip and even as recent as last week, I stopped really reacting or responding to the art he sends me.

We talked about my mental health recently and all the fears I had were in my head, he still loves me and finds me attractive even though the things he said seemed like a lie. I still feel like if he wants to not touch me anymore, I'm going to accept that. I'm still worried that he'll hate the way I do things for him, the way I touch him, etc.

TL;DR: I don't feel sexy, my country and my job hate me for being trans, my disability makes it impossible to exist in a neurotypical state, I'm broke and can't save any money, and my relationship is in limbo because of everything.

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

MAY YOU NEVER LOSE YOUR HYPERFIXATION

[wilwheaton]

The cleanest and simplest expression of this perspective that we saw goes like this: "I don't support the things that led to Charlie Kirk's death. But Charlie Kirk did."

source

[weirdcatlive]

[buqbite]

sometimes i feel ive got to

[buqbite]

‎

[buqbite]

‎

[buqbite]

run away

[canisbaileyilupus]

Listening to old audio I downloaded from back in the day and was reminded of a poem from Tanya Davis on "How to be Alone". I think this audio saved me. Without accepting being by myself, I don't know where I would be mentally. I listened to this poem so many times, I remember each word and how every line made me feel. I was learning to be okay with lonely, and I think its important to remember that you are okay when you are alone. You just need to accept the moments of people watching, the moments where you are enjoying your own company, drinking your favorite drink or doing your favorite activity, the kind you do alone with no one else.

I appreciate this poem more now looking back.

[canisbaileyilupus]

my dog died yesterday

he was 13.