King

Bitches want me, porn bots swarm me - It/He/They. Just a little guy #King's shit

[rabdoidal]

contender for funniest line delivery in a porno

[jewish-joy]

Last year, I befriended a Catholic seminarian. We've gotten to be pretty decent friends. Seeing as he was staying in town for the summer and I wasn't, I entrusted him with caring for my plant.

He did a wonderful job, but as he was returning my plant to my custody, he explained "I watered her every other day, I gave her new dirt, moved her into the sunshine, prayed the rosary-"

"What?"

He looked at me, confused. "Isn't she a plant you pray with?"

"No," I said slowly. "She's a prayer plant. That's the... colloquial name of the plant."

Upon seeing his stricken face, I realized something went wrong. Turns out, this entire time, he's been including my plant in on his prayers and leaving her near icons.

Listen, totally cool. My plant becoming Catholic is a great deal for her not dying over the summer. But now I must navigate this interfaith household. Keep me in your thoughts.

[tyrantdaughter]

How To Love Your New Friend Without Being Overbearing

[tyrantdaughter]

I'm Gonna Eat Her I Think

[thestuffedalligator]

This was the last episode of the first season of The Twilight Zone and they never dared to do anything as fucking funny as this again.

[cowthropologist]

Do I actually want to write this fanfic or do I just want to wallow in the delicious daydream like a pig in the mud?

[thebitchywitchyone]

Unfortunately I wish for others to wallow in my magnificent mud pit

[dankmemeuniversity]

[iamoutofideas]

[elisecairo]

[xsugarxglass]

This is some Scooby Doo shit XD

[sceptixfakemon]

this heatwave fucking sucks how am I going to serve my liege like this

[the-haiku-bot]

this heatwave fucking

sucks how am I going to

serve my liege like this

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[maul-of-shame]

I actually recommend everyone write for a rarepair once because it completely changes your relationship with fandom. Engagement stops being numbers and starts being names. You know who's going to show up. You recognize usernames. Someone disappears for a while and then comes back and you're like “OH MY GOD WELCOME HOME.” It's incredibly wholesome. It is also deeply inconvenient when all six of you simultaneously get writer's block-

[bisexual-engineer-girl]

"visual learner" this "auditory learner" that well I'm an oral learner. put it in my mouth

[zeroarcana]

ma'am, this is a firearms safety course

[bisexual-engineer-girl]

the first rule of firearms is to be yourself and have fun and I am doing both

[desk-drawerr]

He eat a nemon

[absoluteconceptofbeauty]

How about Other people start worrying about how I perceive them

[habken]

I have a vision

[habken]

uh oh

[mizuthe-cat]

I don't think every character ever needs to be shipped with someone maybe they just need to be shipped in some sort of box alone to a location

[starrose17]

[wolfythewitch]

Do you guys wanna see the version of bloodymary im somewhat invested in

[wolfythewitch]

Imagine you float up from near death and some old guy is poking you in the face and humming

[wolfythewitch]

Okay wait one more

[carlyraejepsans]

so to summarise: she DID overdo it in a very much uncharacteristic one-time-only way, she's not an alcoholic, kris was never locked out of the house (they pretended to be as part of their plan to get susie to the church dark world), toriel DID try to call, she WAS worried, sans told her he saw kris and susie hanging out and not to worry and let them spend time by themselves since they're teenagers and THAT'S when she let herself get loose, she DID realise she made susie uncomfortable and feels bad about it and hopes she didn't push her away and that she'll be back because she likes having her around, she DID notice kris was upset, her air of middle class respectability is a façade and she's probably struggling with her finances just as much as asgore, she's just more careful with her money. also sans stocked up her fridge and took out the trash before he left (my man🤝)

TLDR: never fucking doubt me again. big analysis papy untouchable

[pangur-and-grim]

sorry, had to capture the way he’s sitting on me. what’s going on here

[pangur-and-grim]

THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME

[pangur-and-grim]

okay this is how I was sitting