Product Placement
Jar Jar Binks Fan Club
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bliss lane
Doug Jones
tumblr dot com
â
Color Me Curious
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Interview Vampire Daily
Cosimo Galluzzi
almost home
PR's Tumblrdome
untitled
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
todays bird
Kiana Khansmith
seen from Germany
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seen from T1
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@capptain-pickles
time for everyone's favorite age-determining question: were you alive during 9/11 and do you remember it?
i was alive and i remember it
i was alive and i don't remember it
i was not alive
reblog for sample size please!
I hate how when you add ANY amount of new liquid to a boiling pot it immediately goes dead silent likeâŚ. Oh. Youâre here đ. The water molecules looking at you like
this is the most aggressive i've ever seen him get and i for one am positively LIVING for this kind of cold wrath
Is your back not aching from bending to punch so fucking low?
go off king
alien (1979) and aliens (1986) are two of the most powerful film titles in cinema history. like the first one? yeah its about an alien. and the second one? brother take a guess
friendly reminder that findtags is the best way to search tumblrâs absolutely destroyed tag system. it actually accurately looks through the tags without omitting results. itâs the only thing i use at this point because itâs the only thing that works
this is a poem
i couldnât not draw this
the rat poem is too powerful thatâs why they donât talk about it
Art by MaruĹĄa Gorjup
Howâs the Swedish Christmas goat doing? Has it caught fire this year?
This is how apparently
Security never saved it before. This is just the next level of difficulty and the gradual increase has only acted as training and made the Swedes unstoppable.
The swedes r like^
Security has saved it for the last 3 years, what are you talking about?
Well, it went via flaming arrow that one time, and tbh as a security pro there ainât much you can do if someone shoots a flaming arrow over your head and into the goat.
Except, of course, nod in respect to your worthy and victorious opponent.
This wiki article is hilariously salty
STOLLEN? Isnât this thing huge?
Yeah, Iâm going to live-tumble my reading of this amazing wiki article. Iâll tag it âchristmas goatâ and âlong postâ if you want to block my nonsense. But youâll miss gems like this:
There is only one sure way to save the goat. A mob that is filled with righteous anger.
But it doesnât tell me WHO launched three successful attacks against the goats (btw there are two goats because the people who made the first goat got tired of people burning their goat, so they quit making it and another organization took up the task. The first organization started making their goat again after the second organization got into the Guinness Book of World Records for their goatâs size. So now the two groups continue to make separate goats.)
Now this is Christmas.
I donât even know who I am rooting for in this situation.
no wonder so many bond villains come from the nordics they pull shit like this for a straw goatÂ
it didnât look enough like a Real Hospital so I fixed it :)
Iâm at a loss for words
The most impressive communal shitpost Iâve yet seen from a linguistics Facebook group
YES. Then thereâs this gem:
I fully believe the queen is dead and they just donât wanna deal with a funeral before Christmas so theyâre keeping her on ice (aka life support) till spring.
apparently the entire country has to do a 12 day long mourning and the BBC is legally banned from putting on any comedy show during that week AND they have to shut down the London stock exchange for one whole day... now I'm not saying they're weekends at Bernie's-ing that colonizer to keep the stock exchange open, but....
I think you're right
Ever since I got a job as a security guard I canât take heist movies seriously anymore.
Why is that?
Accurate heist movie: The Team is sneaking into a high security facility. An alarm is triggered, they freeze, prepared to knock out whoever responds to the alarm. It takes 40 minutes for someone to respond. When they finally do show up, they shuffle along, annoyed, arms full of 16 bags of pretzels for some reason, and reset the alarm without bothering to check their surroundings. They report that the alarm went off in error. Security control starts a fight about the correct designation of the door. The guard announces that theyâre leaving the alarm key in the alarm because itâs always going off for no reason. No one challenges them on this. They shuffle away, leaving an alarm key and several bags of pretzels behind.
The Team knocks out a security guard and steals their radio. The team mimic can perfectly replicate the knocked out guardâs voice. They get caught because they pronounced the name of the company correctly.
The Team disables an alarm. The only way to do this is to rip it out of the wall and disassemble it until it physically canât make noise anymore. This very loud process is clearly heard by the posted security guard nearby, who rolls their eyes and text their supervisor that the logistics contractors are fooling with the alarms again.
The Team breaks into the facility at night. There they meet a single security guard who is chanting potential names for NPCs in their DnD campaign out loud while they do their patrols. They encounter a fire extinguisher. They pause in their chanting to check that it is properly charged and to apply a sticker that reads, âAnal use onlyâ. This guy is disgustingly good at their job. Thereâs no way around it, theyâre going to catch you. And youâre going to have to deal with the fact that youâve been had by someone who has a supply of stickers that say âAnal use onlyâ and who unironically wanted to name their NPC shopkeep Mammogrammus.
The Team attempts to bribe a security guard. This is its own post but know thereâs no way in hell that would work.
The Team breaks into the high security room and disables all the alarms. Security control sends several guards to investigate why there are no alarms going off.
The Team attempts to break into the high security room but canât because itâs randomly decided not to let anyone at all in today.
The Team steals a keycard with âââââunlimitedâââââ access to the facility and gets caught because the computer system that manages keycards randomly revokes access for no reason.
The Team walks past a security guard in broad daylight wearing T-shirts that say, âWe are here to rob youâ. The security guard does nothing, having seen several people in logistics wearing that exact shirt two days prior.
This sounds like a great movie, honestly
I will always remember that when I worked for a pharmaceutical company in IT, there were massive security procedures, systems with air gaps, locations with biometric scanners and metal detectors and locking revolving doors, but the highest level of security was a human being in a bulletproof proof room with line of sight to the door and a button. To /get/ to the door, you had to go through tons of other layers and badge access and identity verification, but the final lock was a dual physical key (which required two people to open) and a human being with a book of photographs and a button to push.
At the onset of the 2008-onward recession it became more or less impossible to get the sort of summer gig that college students traditionally get. I couldnât get a callback from any of the area fast food restaurants, the babysitting gigs were gone, I drew blanks on waitressing, dishwashing, landscaping, car washes, summer camps, you name it. The big local summer attraction near me is a horse racetrack, and I put in apps for every position from betting clerk to horse manure removal tech. I got one (1) job offer that summer, and it was to be a security guard. I was a 19 year old girl with a perky ponytail, big olâ doe eyes, and no experience or interest whatsoever in policing, so I genuinely thought Iâd gotten the offer because theyâd confused my application with someone elseâs⌠until the first day of training.
Training consisted of a number of retired high ranking New York State Troopers very earnestly trying to convince a room of âdudes who desperately wanted to be a cop but couldnât jump even that low hurdleâ and also âone increasingly incredulous 19 year old girl who could only hear a loud high pitched note in one ear because she stood too close to her amps at the punk show last nightâ not to bring swords, shurukens, or butterfly knives into work.
We went over the âdo not bring in your own weaponsâ lecture for the majority of day 1 of training. Day 2 was also âdo not bring in your own weaponsâ for a lot of the day, then we moved onto âidentifying the different types of fire extinguisher,â and wrapped up the day with âwasp stings.â Well, actually during âwasp stingsâ we had a sidebar when this one guard who looked like Ben Franklin raised his hand and shared that he, personally, took care of wasps by blowing their nests up with improvised gasoline-based explosives, so technically we wrapped up the day with âdo not bring in your own weapons even if those weapons are to harm a wasp.â
Day 3 was a half day, where we reviewed everything weâd learned about no weapons, fire extinguishers, and wasps, and then we took a written test, which I finished with a perfect score in three minutes so Sargeant Minetti made me grade everyone elseâs. After that, I was a full ass security guard; I picked up my fake cop uniform, badge(!!!), tiny notebook, strapped a walkie to my belt, and was given my assignment. My beat was very very literally the most public facing one that existed; while most of my colleagues were posted at gates that might never get opened for the entire summer, I had âthe wholeass quarter mile of pavement abutting the chain link fence that separated the public from the ponies.â My responsibilities were simple:
1. tell people to move their rolling coolers out of the fire lane
2. take people with wasp stings to the nurse
and oh yeah
3. every time a clerk at a betting window in my section accumulated more than $10,000 dollars in cash, I had to escort them for ½ of a mile through the incredibly dense crowd of drunk people, any of whom might be interested in stealing more than $10,000 dollars, and get the money safely into the giant vault.
I remember the very first run i made. The betting clerk looked at me, the 19 year old responsible for protecting both them and $10,000. I looked back at him through the mirrored aviators that Iâd bought at a gas station for 5 bucks because I thought it was very very funny and good fake cop cosplay. My walkie hissed ominously.
ââŚUh, so if someone tries to take the money, what are you going to do?â He asked.
âWell, I get paid 12 bucks an hour, so⌠nothing.â I responded. âHow about you?â
We quickly arrived at an understanding.
Two of the guards from my training group got fired that summer for bringing in their own weapons, and at least one of them had both a butterfly knife and at least one shuruken. Many more dropped out as they discovered that they would not actually be doing Die Hard shit. As for me, I did literally nothing to prevent crime all summer, but I also halfheartedly cleared a path through the crowd at the front of a very sad âSt. Patrickâs Day In Julyâ parade, which made me enough of a success story that they actually called me unprompted to ask if Iâd come back the next year⌠with one caveat.
See, the next year I returned as a weathered veteran with a spotless disciplinary record, so they gave me three hours of additional training to get a certification to become a peace officer. As a result, from ages 20-23 (when my license expired) I had the same legal powers of arrest as a police officer.
Me. They just gave me that.
In conclusion, if youâre a highly qualified team of heistmen looking to rob an entity that accumulates wealth by convincing drunk desperate people to give them their money and you pick a fucking casino when the racetrack is right there, youâre either thinking way too inside the box⌠or you have a healthy fear of shurukens I guess.
