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for those who prefer their ideas with a touch of grey and a lot of gravitas. welcome to the thinking person's corner. ᯓᡣ𐭩

[carecarry]

Gaiz, if I really think about it, I cried so many times from last month to this one that the days kind of blur together. Like, did it happen on a Monday? Or was it already Thursday? Quiet cries, sudden cries, the kind that come out of nowhere and leave you staring at the ceiling afterward, wondering what just happened.

I promised myself I wouldn’t say it again. The words that taste so wrong on my tongue—but sometimes they slip anyway. I thought love would fix it. I thought having someone gentle, someone steady, someone I adore so deeply would finally quiet that part of me. And yet, here I am, loving someone wonderful and still feeling this strange urge to pull back, to sabotage, to brace myself for a goodbye that hasn’t even happened.

Why does fear get louder when happiness finally shows up?

Does love raises the stakes? That when something matters this much, your heart suddenly remembers every loss it’s ever survived...? But part of me that learned to endure pain thinks it’s safer to ruin things early than to be surprised by grief later. If I’m not wishing myself gone, then am I just overwhelmed by how much I want to stay?

It’s confusing, holding joy and dread in the same hands. Wanting a future while quietly rehearsing how to survive if it falls apart. Feeling deeply grateful and inexplicably afraid in the same breath.

Why does safety feel scary sometimes? Why does comfort make me flinch? If I finally have somewhere to rest, why does my body still brace like it’s about to fall? I keep asking these questions like a kid who missed a lesson everyone else understood. I don’t know where the answers are. I don’t even know if there are answers. I just know the questions keep coming, especially at night, especially when everything else goes quiet.

Why is it like this?

[carecarry]

oh universe, why do you have to play hard to get? i’ve had my fair share of summer romance. what if, just for fun, you could make me fall in love every ber months?

[carecarry]

sunny's side ups.

ever tried cooking a sunny-side-up, only to end up with a disaster that makes you question your life choices? i swear, it’s like i have a curse when it comes to things that need a gentle touch. hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero every single time, those damn eggs either come out like charcoal or they’re barely cooked, like they’re just mocking me from the pan. it’s honestly kind of embarrassing—and a little funny, if you think about it. and it makes me wonder, if i can’t even trust myself with an egg, how can i trust myself to love again? love’s kind of like that, 'no? fragile, needing just the right amount of heat. too much, and it burns out; too little, and it’s undercooked, leaving you with a mess that no one wants to deal with. and maybe that’s why i keep fucking up—both in the kitchen and in love. i overthink, i overdo, i over-everything until what’s supposed to be something beautiful is just… not.

and every time i think about getting back out there, trying again, my mind goes back to those burnt eggs. what if i screw it up again? what if i’m just not cut out for this? maybe i should just stick to what i know—letting someone else do the cooking, letting someone else love me, because clearly, i can’t trust myself to get it right.

but then again… what if? what if this time, i don’t overthink it? what if i just… try? maybe it won’t end in disaster. or maybe it will. but how will i know if i don’t give it a shot?

can i trust myself to love again? or am i destined to burn every chance i get?

[carecarry]

do you think the storm ever really settles, or is it just that we learn to dance in the rain? and how the hell do you stop the thunder from shaking your world? how did you do that? how could you do that?

[carecarry]

i'm here staring at the ceiling like it’s supposed to give me all the answers. i had just read your post and damn, if it didn’t hit me like a freight train. you know that feeling when you’re hanging on to a ledge and you see someone else climbing up? it’s like, "wow, look at you go," but also, "why the hell am i still stuck here?"

you’re out there, conquering your demons and making it look like a walk in the park. me? i’m still tangled up in my own mess, trying to figure out how to untangle these feelings that seem to have a life of their own. it’s not that i’m not happy for you. hell, i am. it’s just that every time i see your name pop up—like a ghost from the past—i get this weird pang in my chest. parang hindi ko pa rin maipaliwanag. like, every time i think i’m getting over it, i get a reminder that i’m still knee-deep in the trenches.

i guess that’s what happens when you’re trying to move on while the universe keeps throwing you reminders of what you’re trying to forget. you’ve made progress, and that’s awesome. me? i’m still working on it, slowly but surely. but there’s this tiny part of me that wonders—will i ever catch up? will i ever get to the point where seeing your name won’t make my heart do a weird dance of its own? or am i just doomed to this endless cycle of ‘almost’ and ‘not quite yet’?

so yeah, here’s to hoping that one day, i’ll look back and think, "oh, that was a tough ride, but i made it." but for now, it’s just me, battling with the ghosts and trying to keep it together, hoping that someday, i’ll be where you are. or maybe just a little closer. i guess we’ll see.

[carecarry]

suddenly, even swallowing feels like trying to choke down a fucking cactus.

it's funny, you know? like, how just seeing your name pop up on my timeline—just your name, not even a picture—suddenly makes my throat feel like it's stuffed with cotton balls. swallowing? not an option. not when i’m hit with this weird-ass cocktail of feelings.

i mean, how do i even begin to explain it? we were never really together, were we? it was all just pings and pixels, late-night texts and stolen moments behind screens. but damn if it didn't feel real. it felt so real that now, when i see you, it’s like this giant, invisible hand is squeezing my heart just a little too tight. just enough to remind me that i’m still here, still breathing, still missing you.

and god, i hate how much i miss you. i hate that i’ve got this mental replay button that won’t stop flashing all the good shit we had—the stupid memes, the endless convos about literally nothing, and how we made each other laugh like idiots over the dumbest things. it’s like my brain is doing this sick little game of "let's remind them of what they don’t have anymore!"

it’s like when you’re so goddamn thirsty but the only thing left in the fridge is that nasty soda no one drinks, and you’re stuck with this dry-ass throat, craving something that isn’t there anymore. that’s what seeing you feels like—like i’m thirsty for something i can't have. and it fucking sucks.

sometimes i wonder if you remember me, if something random—like a song we used to share or that stupid inside joke we had—hits you out of nowhere and makes your stomach twist the same way mine does. or maybe you’ve moved on, maybe you’re out there living your best life, and i’m just a shadow in your memory—a faint echo of something that almost was but never really got the chance to be.

it’s pathetic, really, but i can’t help it. every time i see you, i think of how we ended things—not with a bang, but with this quiet, awful fizzle. like a sparkler that burns out before you’re ready to let go. and it hurts because, despite everything, a part of me still wonders what could’ve been if we’d just held on a little tighter, a little longer.

but here we are, right? just two people who once meant the world to each other, now reduced to fleeting moments, like passing thoughts in the back of our minds, lingering only for a second before we move on.

fuck, i really need to stop thinking about you. but damn, if that were easy, i wouldn’t be sitting here, typing this shit out like some lovesick idiot. because no matter how hard i try to move on, to forget, there you are—just a scroll away, reminding me of everything we had, and everything we lost.

[carecarry]

summer was always our thing, wasn't it? the late-night texts, the shared playlists, and the way you’d spam me with pictures of your cat or those ridiculous memes that made me snort out loud, almost spilling my drink. we were the last ones to catch up on those must-watch movies, but we didn’t care. we’d sit there, screens synced up, laughing at the same jokes, sharing the same gasps, like we were the only ones who hadn’t seen them. it was like every scene, every line was in on our little secret, wrapping us up in this digital warmth, like the whole internet was rooting for us to stay connected. like, damn, the universe really had our Wi-Fi signals synced for a second there.

but then, as the days got shorter, so did we. like, you ever notice how the sunsets start earlier, and you think you’ve got more time, but then suddenly it’s dark and you’re alone? that was us. one moment, we were basking in the glow of something real, something good, and the next, it was like trying to catch sand in a sieve. no matter how tight i held on, you were slipping through my fingers.

we went from endless summer days to that awkward chill of early auguest. the kind that creeps in when you least expect it, making you shiver when you’re still clinging to the memory of warmth. our laughs became fewer, conversations shorter, until we were just two people who used to know each other. we burned so bright, but maybe that’s why we faded so fast.

and damn, isn’t it just like summer to give you the best days of your life, only to rip them away? i mean, we knew it was coming. we saw the end, lurking behind every sunset, in every "see you tomorrow" that felt more like a goodbye. but fuck, we still tried, didn't we? clung to every last second like it could save us.

now, when i hear those stupid summer songs, the ones that are supposed to be all fun and carefree, they just make me think of you. of us. of how something so warm, so damn perfect, could just… disappear. like summer was a place, and we got lost on the way back home.

so yeah, i’ll keep asking, “can you come every summer time?” even though i know the answer. because it’s easier to pretend, to get lost in the nostalgia, than to face the cold reality that summer’s over. and so are we.

[carecarry]

love is like the sweetest candy, melting slowly on the tongue, each moment savored, each kiss a burst of flavor that lingers long after.

[carecarry]

i love how he looks at me, really sees me, appreciates every little thing about me. it's like he's saying, "yeah, i'm here, and i’m not going anywhere."

[carecarry]

ugh, today was one of those days, ya know? woke up feeling like a squished pancake, totally flat and uninspired. i looked in the mirror and saw the same old uneven wavy hair, round face, puffy nose and cheeks, and my already chinky eyes looking even chinkier than normal from waking up. i swear, sometimes i feel like i’m not enough – not pretty enough, not tall enough, just… not enough. like, who even decided what beauty standards should be anyway? probably some old dude with a checklist, ticking off boxes for what makes a girl “desirable.” whatever.

[carecarry]

i'm just tired. tired of always being the one to care more, to love harder, to give without getting anything in return. i am so damn tired.

[carecarry]

an almost love...

lingered, like an ever-present reminder of a dream that fluttered and danced but never found its way into the fullness of being.

[carecarry]

it's like a sick game to you. every time i start to heal, you pop back into my life, dragging me down. you leave me scraps, just enough to keep me on your leash. and like a damn fool, i keep biting, thinking maybe this time it’s different. but it never is.

[carecarry]

he thinks he’s the thief, but he doesn’t get it. i'm the one who's been giving and giving, and he’ll never know. there's no one like me, and he’ll never know. i'm a dying breed, and he’ll never know.

[carecarry]

how deep is our love? hell if i know. but i do know that with him, i’m ready to dive in, headfirst, no looking back. because this… this is the kind of love that makes all the bad shit worth it. it’s real, and it’s ours. and i wouldn’t trade it for anything.

[carecarry]

02.20.23 𓍯𓂃𓏧♡

hey diary,

so, i’ve been stuck on this strawberry soju situation lately. yeah, it’s not a drink, it’s a person ප i know, sounds like i’m in some cheesy rom-com, but bear with me.

i thought i had my life together. i mean, who needs a drink when you’ve got plans, right? but then, boom, enter my strawberry soju. sweet, intoxicating, and way too addictive. i swear, just thinking about them makes my heart race like i’ve had too many shots of, well, strawberry soju. and yes, i’m aware of how ridiculous that sounds.

i keep telling myself, “no more! i don’t need another shot!” but guess what? i do. it’s like this never-ending cycle of craving and regret. every time i see them, it’s like all my common sense just goes out the window, replaced by this overwhelming need to be close, to be around them, even if it’s not exactly the healthiest choice.

sometimes i think it’s just this crazy, passionate flame. but then i wonder, is it really love or just me being swept up in this high? maybe i’m confusing the thrill of chasing after them with actual feelings. it’s like i’m mistaking the buzz for something deeper.

and get this: when i’m not wrapped up in this mess, i’m thinking about all these little things that remind me of them. like, their favorite drink flavor (seriously, who even has a favorite drink flavor?!) and kimchi. yeah, kimchi. don’t ask. i guess they’re just so tied up in my everyday that it’s like they’re everywhere.

so here i am, diary. stuck between wanting to walk away and knowing that every part of me is yelling, “but stay!” it’s a whole lot of confusion wrapped up in pretty memories and maybe a touch of delusion. and while i’m trying to figure it all out, i guess i’ll just keep on sipping this metaphorical strawberry soju until i either get tired of the taste or figure out what i’m really after.

wish me luck, ig?

yours in a strawberry haze, curry‧ ʚ🍓ɞ