Sinuyo't Nabighani

A Life Curated by Faith

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Tune Thursday: BROODS

enjoy!

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Clara was my student in my last semester at Mint College where I was given the task of teaching the kids of the Music Business Management program. While I struggled to prepare to be a decent Literature teacher (with a lot of help from co-teacher Isa Garcia, I might add), I heard whispers about Clara Benin being my student and how she was revered by the Mint student population.

Of course I recognised the last name from her dad’s work with Side A and her older brother playing at church. But I wanted to wait and see for myself.

Clara isn’t one of those students who plays a lead role in the classroom. Not that that’s a bad thing, because I was a VERY quiet student too. I learned very early on that she is more observant than participative and has a funny quirk of being intimidated by speaking in class. (I mean, literally she sank into a wall one time while presenting her project to the class of 10 people). Its pretty adorable. So you can imagine that I wondered what she would be like as a performer. 

And as the case goes for the ones like Clara, she lights up on stage. In many ways, she reminds me of my best friend Julianne in her earlier beginnings. But Clara is an artist all her own. Her single “Be My Thrill” is a catchy, soulful piece and I’m curious to know who she is singing about! Haha! It is a joy to watch her perform because I know how quiet she can be in class. 

What I will always remember about Clara is the quiet wisdom she carries. We once had a discussion about a short story in class where the main characters are fighting with each other and harassing the minor characters to get involved. I asked the class which character they thought was the wisest and Clara answered “the one who stayed out of it. Sometimes it’s better not to do anything when you can’t help the situation.” Her short answer showed me her maturity and courage, and THAT is why she is one to watch out for.

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Now I Become Myself

Now I become myself. It's taken  Time, many years and places; I have been dissolved and shaken, Worn other people's faces, Run madly, as if Time were there, Terribly old, crying a warning, "Hurry, you will be dead before--" (What? Before you reach the morning? Or the end of the poem is clear? Or love safe in the walled city?) Now to stand still, to be here, Feel my own weight and density! The black shadow on the paper Is my hand; the shadow of a word As thought shapes the shaper Falls heavy on the page, is heard. All fuses now, falls into place From wish to action, word to silence, My work, my love, my time, my face Gathered into one intense Gesture of growing like a plant. As slowly as the ripening fruit Fertile, detached, and always spent, Falls but does not exhaust the root, So all the poem is, can give, Grows in me to become the song, Made so and rooted by love. Now there is time and Time is young. O, in this single hour I live All of myself and do not move. I, the pursued, who madly ran, Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

May Sarton

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So I'm married and stuff.

Quick post: MARRIED LIFE IS AWESOME!

Lots to say here about events (and people!) leading up to our wedding. I will attack that beast in chunks. 

In the meantime I'm thinking: why do immigration papers have to be so complicated (AND EXPENSIVE)??! Thankfully we are almost done with everything. 

Chris and I called the 1-800 number for USCIS to change our address and the lady we got on the phone was impatient and rude. Thanks, lady, for your sigh of contempt. We are just trying to do the right thing here. Kthanksbye. (I didn't say bye actually, I just hung up on her before I said anything nasty). 

In any case. I am here now. Trying to enjoy a whole bunch of nothingness compared to life in Manila that was overwhelming and overflowing. Sometimes this quiet makes me antsy but I think I need it. As my friend Liz said, "unrushed rest is so nourishing to the soul" ... or something like that. So I am trying not to rush along. Steady as she goeezzzz.

I'm also nursing a bad case of honeymoon UTI, but that's another story.

Peace and cuddles,

C.

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It's happening.

Tuesday evening was my bridal shower, prepared by a couple of friends. I'm not used to people doing things for me so I'm glad it was doctor day as well so I'd be preoccupied and not worry about something I shouldn't worry about. 

Of course, getting a pap smear and a transvi ultrasound in the morning (sorry, too much? haha) were not entirely a joy. (My married friends tell me thats what you call it when you're in the know. "Oh I just got a transvi done this morning" like its some mysterious scientific activity). I also didn't have time to wait for a woman doctor for my ultrasound so I had to ignore the fact that my ultrasound was performed by someone that could be my much-older uncle.

MAN THAT HURT. Getting your uterus measured ain't no joke! In any case, all of that was normal he said. #smallvictory

Anyway, this is about my BRIDAL SHOWER. Yes. So as I requested, no strippers (not even midget strippers - thats a thing now, apparently) and no alcohol. I just wanted to chill. Its been so hectic that I sleep maybe 3 hours a night if at all. 

It was humbling and a joy to be given a bridal shower like that. Some of my closest, dearest friends basically played silly games and then shared about when they met me and stuff. The hosts (Rory and Bianca) asked what everyone liked about me the most and... geez how did I not cry that night? (Ok maaaybe I teared up a teensy bit!) To be told the things my friends said - I wish I recorded all of that so when I'm not particularly chirpy and its a really bad day, I can remember that I am loved. 

You see, I've seen through the years that my Christianity has determined much of how I treat my friends and how I show them I value them. It's been tough, as relationships go - there's been some weeding out especially when the other person either doesn't respect my boundaries or basically bullies me - but I've sifted and mourned and forgiven. Now I've been left with gold. I haven't ever aspired to be popular in my life, and my introversion helps me uphold that. Nifty eh? But yes. Quality, quality, quality. 

What I'm trying to say I guess, is that when I think about what my life has grown into, I am glad. Glad that my friendships are real, and that I know for sure that I was always running after someone understanding their worth. Not just their worth to ME, but their worth in this WORLD.

I've been misunderstood a lot which is part of the human experience, and mostly I've let that be. Being misunderstood... that happens to all of us. But I've also been called fearless, a visionary and REAL. That's something I've always hoped to be - real. 

What was most lovely to me were the prayers everyone had for me. I'm happy I got to record THOSE. Somehow, in all of my mistakes and meanderings, in all my unintentional insensitivity and stubbornness, and despite how others may have labeled me a "backslider", I know what I know: that God has never left me, nor I His side. That I've tried to love the best I can and in the way I've been taught how. Maybe not to each person's liking or definition, or understanding. But I loved nonetheless.

Glad that my faith doesn't look like anyone else's but mine. And my friendships are transcendent. 

Now THAT is what I call a bridal shower.

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Dana Blase: One to watch out for!

I had the pleasure of having Dana as a student last semester in my Character Formation class. She always has this mysterious cloud hovering about her, and she rarely smiles. But she does, and when she does, you feel like you’ve just won a million bucks. It’s a smile that lights up her entire face, and you feel like you’ve earned that front row seat. When she smiles you know there’s something absolutely necessary to smile about, because smiles are precious and not to be wasted. 

Somehow I always get the feeling that Dana is eternally observing and processing, weighing and discerning. I wish I had had more opportunity to converse with her about her thoughts on things. But I’m certain she’ll do well no matter where she decides to go. I’m also glad I get to see her at church on sundays, sitting across me.

Richard Matsuyama, (aka Ryoku) was a student of mine for a very short 3 weeks in my Literature class before I sent him to the Advanced Lit class. I was happy to send him off, as I think he needed a bigger challenge than I could give. Methodical, witty and self-assured, I look forward to the work he’ll create in the future.

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Well hello there.

So I'm stuck at home with what looks to be the measles. But not exactly the measles. Doctors were pretty iffy about how they explained what it is I caught, exactly. But just the same, I'm supposed to be isolated from the world lest I infect another soul with my undefinable disease. I may be a supah dupah introvert, but this much isolation (almost 7 days now) is a bit unnerving already! 

Which makes me think about loneliness. Granted, I haven't really felt loneliness in a long time - that's not because I have a fiancé okay. It might have been sometime in 2008 when I just arrived home from living in SF that I felt out of place and alone despite being surrounded by some of my bestest friends, and not having to do all the stuff I did in the US. I felt so alone in a crowded city with people I actually loved.

This might have been why I started going out real hard too, apart from trying to get over my dark days (I was also returning home for the first time since my break-up) so things were fresh for me even if they weren't fresh for everyone else. I was even told that I was OA for not having "gotten over it already" with matching rolled eyes, big sigh and contempt for my situation. That person said I was playing some tough girl act that she wasn't buying. Oh boy, if I was playing I must have had a wicked sense of humor because I was nowhere near enjoying myself. Go out I did, on a mission to create new spaces and places and faces in my life. That's how I ended up making a LOT of dating mistakes in the new millennium. It wasn't that I was leading guys on, I was just seeing a lot of them at the same time, not being too careful with how perhaps they might have feelings for me, or how my feelings for them were weird and new and I didn't know how people did the dating thing in their 30s so I was awkward and strange around them.

But I got over my loneliness, eventually. Got over my ex, and made up my mind that I was going to create something necessary with my life. Create I did, and it ate up the next 5 years of my life, and I hadn't felt true loneliness since.

Being isolated today, knowing I NEED to be isolated, already leaves me with pangs of the way it used to be for me back in 2008. That I'm here, but not here. That I'm alone even if I'm not. I guess this is why people go crazy in isolation, and why prison wardens waved that solitary confinement card like the ultimate power trip - loneliness has the ability to destroy someone if they don't do something about it. My comfort is that I know its only for a few more days, that there is a purpose behind it, and I'm NOT REALLY alone. There's Chris, who makes me smile everyday, and the constant friends who ask me how I'm doing despite their own crazy lives, and a mother who is amazing and involved in my healing.

I think about those who have a deep belief that they're alone, and that they cannot begin to understand how to fix it. Hopefully, like me, they get better and get over it. Sometimes, we need those lonely days to make us understand the value of relationships and purpose. Ultimately, I hope we all find that deep sense of belonging to the world, belonging to The One who never leaves us alone.  

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Gee, did I really say that? Looks like I did! Ha!

That self-rating thing is something I struggle with all the time. But I know it to be true. It is difficult to accept a blessing or a truth when you think you deserve otherwise, yea?

Love in 8 Chapters allowed me to connect with young women who have their own love story - whether its a happy, confusing, desperate, hopeful or cynical story. After sharing my own story, I realized that I could add a few things to help girls find clarity. That's why I'm excited and pleased to be asked back this month for a sequel to Love in 8 Chapters. I'm also adding a couple of hours so I can do one-on-ones with the girls who want it. What a privilege! 

Curiously, a few girls have encouraged me to write a book. Not the first time I heard that one, to be honest. And it is a curious thing because it has been hovering around my heart and mind a lot more these days. Could it be God prodding me gently? (Can prodding be gentle?!) Perhaps deep down I am intimidated. Guhhh I hate that feeling! But hey, its on my lifetime to-do list, I promise.

Now to figure out what theme to use for my keynote. Day by day steps to get to where you want to be, you know?

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Finally, a venue!

They weren't joking when they said planning a wedding is hard. Planning a wedding from 7000 miles away (which is what I'm doing) should be impossible! Somehow I am surviving though. 

My event organizing instincts don't know what to do with themselves, since I can't do any site inspection, vendor meetings or anything of that sort. Suffice to say I feel like a headless chicken dancing on a bed of hot coal sometimes. Relying on non-event-organizer Chris (aka Love of My Frikken Life) has been interesting to say the least. The man certainly can handle me! I don't know how I could have stayed this calm with any other dude. Not that I'm thinking of any other dude! Ha! Chris has been able to manage contracts, visit venues, reach out to vendors and make deposits. Like a boss!

So after months of agonizing, (originally we were gonna go with Hillsborough in my cousin's backyard) we have finally decided on, and made a deposit to, the Brazilian Room in Tilden Park, Berkeley. I know right?!, the name really threw me off too. I had images of random Brazilians filling the venue to the brim while doing capoeira and wearing g-strings. Justin Bieber dancing around half-naked, optional. Lawddy-lawd. But the price is right, the date is right, and the vibe is right too. Thank you, Lord. (Sheesh I just realized I equate the Biebs to Brazilians. Thanks mass media, and thanks Justin. Can't wait for you to grow up.)

Next up... our videography team. Finding someone who isn't going to charge us half of our wedding budget should be an adventure to say the least. They're not kidding when they say it's crazy expensive to get married in the Bay Area.

Actually I dont know who "they" are, but they've been right so far! 

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Hello face, meet my fist!

That's not the most appropriate caption actually haha! That's my face after getting engaged. Chris was about to leave for San Francisco in a couple of days and in typical Chris fashion, he was overthinking how he would ask me, then started running out of time so he panicked and ended up proposing last minute at Red Box, a videoke place in Eastwood Mall. Not that I mind, because he adores videoke (and apparently, so do a lot of my friends. Aminin!!!)

It's been 5 months since then and a lot has happened (including an incident where I lost my ring for a solid 4 hours - much to my horror. First panic attack in my life!), and we're about to make a deposit on the venue and vendors, I'm getting the invite designed and I finally have a dress designer! 

Its been difficult to fix things from afar, and I have this slight panic in my head that I wont be able to get my fiance visa, but I am in faith that things will move forward and Chris and I finally can be together. 

Love is worth the crazy struggle, kids. Fight for what you got!

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Visit Original Link

Nakamarra - Hiatus Kaiyote

Though vast distance between us heart sails with love for you

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Goodness me, here I go again. What am I getting myself into?

I am very fond of The Better Story Project, a group of bright, young, happy women who want to inspire other young women to create better stories with their lives. Isa Garcia, its main mama (yes thats an official term) asked me to come back to do a talk on relationships this time around.

Now this is not based on any expert certification or PhD, but my foibles, follies, misconceptions and meanderings, so there will be no scientific data to back me up. HOWEVER, this is as honest as I can be, where I will touch on things such as:

Young love = stupid love?

Getting over him and not getting even

Meeting guys + not acting like a deer caught in headlights

Infidelity 

It's coffee, not marriage!

Abuse and protecting yourself

Forgiveness and restoration

Character > Chemistry

That "The Perfect Man" list some of us have

The love you deserve

Included in this workshop's content are a curated playlist of heartbreak and hope, + possibly a couple of poems I have never read out loud. Yikes! 

Email [email protected] to RSVP and I hope you can make it!