[cashmereteddy]

Is it weird that I’m shy to talk to you but I wanna be friends with you.

nah but I’m really the last person to feel shy towards

[cashmereteddy]

I want to get to the place where I feel okay not needing anybody. And you would think with how things have gone for me I’d be used to being alone by now

[the-creepatorium-deactivated201]

[detailedart]

Oniric details: The Birth of the Milky Way, 1636-1637, by Peter Paul Rubens

[tetsuo-jr]

mood 

[cashmereteddy]

I thought that I had made my peace my everything that happened but I kind of just repressed all of it until now. I don’t particularly regret what has happened because I’m a better person for it but I wish I could have learned to be a better person without having to go through so many traumatic experiences. I’m not the type to sit on the thought of “why did this happen to me?” But I do wonder what my life would have been like if maybe I had stuck up for myself more, if I was more eloquent in expressing my thoughts and feelings, if I could have prevented what happened? But me thinking that it was preventable is just me trying to blame myself again. And I’m way past that.

[cashmereteddy]

I realized that with all of the fucked up shit thats happened to me in the past, no one has ever defended me. Not even those who I considered close friends. For that to happen to me multiple times with different people has completely affected the way that I interact with large groups of friends or any friends at all. Apologies mean nothing because it shouldn’t have happened in the first place and I feel pathetic for letting it go without people showing me that I truly matter to them and that they believe it shouldn’t have happened and won’t happen again. I’m tired of settling for less than I deserve and it’s hard to stand up for myself when I’m used to letting people do what they want so I can desperately cling onto what little I have. I used to believe that I was too sensitive but really people just kept treating me like less than I deserve and manipulating me into believing that it was my own fault.

[cashmereteddy]

hey tumblr me again bak bc I’m depressed and everything is SHITTY like my status if u agree xoxo

[busstations]

[cashmereteddy]

update 4 worried friends

ty I love u I’m ok also I twisted my ankle and fell down the stairs because that’s just my life :’)

[yeoja]

View this post on Instagram

[cashmereteddy]

I just had the most difficult panic attack and all I want is to fall asleep so it can't happen again but im so restless

[cashmereteddy]

talk to me like I'm worth a damn

[cashmereteddy]

I wonder if you understand how much it hurts when you tell me you don't want to see me or talk to me

Or when you remind me how heavy of a burden I am

Or how I seem to ruin every good thing that comes to you

And how every time you break my heart I pick it back up and try to fix it and conceal it but it never gets any easier

I'm tired of laying in bed crying and unable to pick myself up to do anything

I'm tired of feeling like my whole world is crashing down when things aren't right with you

I'm tired of feeling like I deserve better (although you are probably thinking the same thing) but knowing you're the only one I want, reasonably and unreasonably

I wish you would try to be more considerate of me

I wish you would try to talk to me instead of pushing me away and prolonging this

I wish you were as in love with me as you were in the beginning when you would promise me the world, when your love was without a doubt but now you might reconsider

I love myself now but when I consider the fact that you might not love me anymore I tear myself down and think of all the reasons why you might not and how I can fix it

I wish I could sit through this and be patient without being ridden with anxiety

I'm scared because I feel like I want to revert to hurting myself but I know I shouldn't and it won't work as an outlet anyway but the feeling is so compelling

I'm scared because I don't want to lose you and I don't want to lose myself as well

And I can't help reclusing and pushing others away because all I want is you

I hate how with depression I not only get waves of depression without provocation but when I'm sad it gets amplified and I feel so pathetic and helpless

I hate how I have a million thoughts and feelings right now but I can't piece them together to describe in a way that makes sense

[ainhxa]

[oessa]

[suurf]

Wilson Island -23° 18’ 12.91”, +151° 54’ 53.84”

[cashmereteddy]

to all my close/irl friends who follow me

sorry lol