Blog 3
I would wake in the mornings at a quarter past four, rolling my exhausted body from my bed and rubbing my weary eyes. I’d pack my things, shoving rogue notebooks and swim suits alike into one combined bag, heaving it over my shoulder and into the car. It was a morning like any other; I was showering chlorine from my body and plastering mascara onto my lashes before anyone else had even opened their eyes.
My music would be cranked as I drove to school. If it was below freezing, my heat would be up all the way, trying to unfreeze my hair that had frozen in straight sticks as I walked from the Y to my car. I would be exhausted, and faking most of any positive emotion I could bear to show. I was tired, and not just from working too hard.
My boyfriend would climb into my car a half an hour before school started; if I had the energy, I would mumble a few things. If he was in a mood, he would pick a fight. I would halfheartedly argue back, but, to be frank, I didn’t give a flying fuck what he was mad about anymore. I had bigger things to worry about.
I went through the motions of the day, not retaining any valuable information from my classes. I’d eat a piece of bread for lunch, and continue about my classes. Then it was off to work, and, after that, I’d get to go home, where I’d shower, do homework, and then go to sleep just to do it all over again the next day.
Except, today is different. When I get off of work at ten that night, I sit in my car. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I wonder to myself. Why am I torturing myself, day in and day out? Do I even care anymore? About anything?
Because, the truth was, I didn’t care. The only thing I cared about was getting out of there. I couldn’t stand the feeling of being trapped anymore. I was scared I was going to end up stuck, just like half the kids I went to school with.
That night, when I went to bed, I heard a soft knock at my door. Eyes half open, I craned my neck to peer into the darkness. A human-sized lump fell into place by my shins.
She told me it was suicide. She told me that he couldn’t bear the thought of feeling so empty anymore.
I think about it every day.