Sick. Sad (Happy). World.

Thoughts and feelings that I don't typically express. Music is healing 🎶

[castlesmadeofsand3]

I just want to be happy.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

[castlesmadeofsand3]

Windows cracked ajar. My home was left exposed. Meaningless men with bad intentions. I met him in the summer, but the fear of the past trapped me and we dissolved.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

Nothing can be lonelier than never truly knowing who you really are.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

It scares me a lot. Being seen. Being heard. Being cared about deeply. I don’t know when I first realized it, but I can say for certain that the recognizing hasn’t made the fear any less intense. When I experience that level of intimacy, I often run. If I don’t run, I get angry. Then they run. And I’m safe again.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

I stay for you. As painful as it is.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

Sensitive to noise, but not quite aware enough of emotions. Logical and wise and willing to compromise for peace. Scotch in eccentric glasses and a chess table near his side. Humble and calm and hardly ever seen distressed. To emulate him is something I aspire.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

She hid behind the lavish car she could only dream of owning. She was afraid to be seen by me. Why? She feared the judgement, the stigma, the shame. But work is work just the same. The news of the eviction drove her to a desperate place. She now became consumed with the monetary chase. Cold, sad and hungry she looked. As I drove past her and took a second look. Life changes our direction sometimes.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

The Rarities

Having your back when the world turns away. Always know the right things to say. Never betraying your fragile trust. Only cancel on you if they absolutely must. A rare kind of bond hard to explain. Through the roughest of times you keep me sane. Cut through all the bullshit and spit straight facts. There when I’m slipping through the cracks. Don’t see you often but that’s okay. No matter what, I’m here to stay.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

[castlesmadeofsand3]

Being Seen

He noticed a certain sadness in her eyes. He wanted to ask her more questions but decided against it. He had captured her essence in a way that may not be so overt to many. He had seen what she could not even attempt to deny, as denial would only be a lie to herself. Another attempt to escape herself. She averted her eyes from his gaze and silently removed herself from the room. It was suddenly too bright and she no longer desired to be seen.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

Own Your Place

You were born to take up the space you desire. To the left and right are those who did. What makes you different from them? It’s the way you feel about who you think you are and not who you can actually be. Love yourself and no one can question your worth. You are one in a million even when at your very worst.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

[castlesmadeofsand3]

"Hey" I said three years later. As if you had been waiting all this time for that moment. I suggested we talked about the way things had ended but only got radio silence. I don’t know what I expected, really. I thought I saw on instagram that you had a kid of your own now. You must finally be in love. I'm sure if I hadn’t had a fifth I wouldn’t have even tried. I had figured out before then that I had been a side. I need to learn to leave the past alone before it destroys the path in front of me. I hope you are well. I truly mean that. Someday I will have what you have for real this time.

[castlesmadeofsand3]

[castlesmadeofsand3]

[castlesmadeofsand3]

Hot breath down my neck. You felt so powerful. I was in the lair. The dungeon of despair. The white walls stared back at me as the creature paraded its larger than life wings. There was no escape from its grasp as the flames would only devour me in its attempt. It regained its strength from my weakness. And my identity faltered. I learned to stay away from dragons.