The Creative Writing of Sinai Johnson

[catatonic-heart]

You're Prettier When You Smile

No one thinks a fighter is weak when they tap out.. So if I give up after fighting for so long, will you tell those I cared for most that I tried?

Or do you think I'm a coward?

"Fake it till you make it!"

Nobody wants to hear how dark things get or what you've done to make sure you never wake up.. no one wants to hear how you sit in this darkness all the fucking time... They only want to hear you're alright.

Fake it till you don't exist....

No one wants to hear about the sadness because that'll kill their vibe. Mourning is easier than giving a shit when someone's alive...

I'm not okay.

I'm not okay.

I'm not okay.

Forget it.. Never mind. I'm fine.

[catatonic-heart]

Prophetic Significance

I notice everything, it's a curse. The emotions I feel, the words that were said, the scenarios.. It's all undulating inside my head at 1000 miles per hour and I'm powerless to stop it.

Everything is a fucking omen and I hate it.

I try to let the stories play out except those I care about are chess pieces on a board that's riddled with dangerous obstacles that I'm feverishly trying to fix.

Is any of this even fucking REAL?

I know how the pieces should move, yet they move into mine fields. The explosions are inevitable because I'm unable to stop even myself from stepping on a bomb.

Control doesn't exist.

The pieces dance around one another, foretelling events that most likely have happened or will happen...

Each end is a beginning that twists and turns back into a similar ending. We circle the drain, time and time again, simply because we can.

Everything is simultaneously a fucking disaster and controlled chaos.. The audience cannot look away.

I need to scream, I want to plead, I should say all the things I need to say except.... What does it matter when one isn't capable of comprehending the truths I hold within this decaying mind?

There are decisons to make.

[catatonic-heart]

No Escape

The demons are hidden in the dark corners of my room. They're quietly awaiting for their chance to attack, to execute their plan to entomb.

When I'm alone, these beasts find me as if they can see in the dark. They burden my soul, they break my heart.

Now they've got their hands around my neck, squeezing until I can no longer breathe. These creatures have the sharpest teeth and they're biting down just to watch me bleed.

They whisper what ifs into my ears and place doubts inside my head. They tear any bit of courage I might have into tiny shreds.

My hopes have lit the way and they have snuffed out the flames. "You're not escaping that easily. It's your mind I've come to claim. Just give in, you might enjoy being insane".

I play loud music to drown them out, a chaos to rival their own. That doesn't always work because they scream louder than any voice I've ever known.

They make me believe truths that aren't there and I convict people of crimes they've never committed without a shred of evidence. All the love I've ever known turns into poison in their omnipresence.

[catatonic-heart]

The Absence of Light

When the darkness came, I welcomed it with open arms. I've never been afraid of the unknown and I'm not afraid of what lurks in the night.

Something about this creature seemed so familiar; it was an old friend I had known from a past life, a long lost lover, my vigilant protector.

The darkness shielded me with itself and I felt safe. It was as broken as me and yet... still had hope and felt love with every fibre of its existence.

The madness that resided within it was coloured all hues of the rainbow yet no one cared to notice because they were too scared of its eccentricities.

No one had ever told it that its scars were beautiful, that its lunacy was fascinating... I was not willing to make that mistake for I too am of a similar darkness created from malicious intent.

I'm not afraid of you, darkness... Please envelop me in your light. Let me lay with you and heal your wounds with my lips.

[catatonic-heart]

Derailed

Forgotten; lost never to be found.

Ashes of what once was; irreparably broken down.

On the edge of a cliff with loose rocks underneath my feet; there's no one around to save me now.

[catatonic-heart]

Maybe She's Just Too Fucked Up

No one ever stays long because no one wants to unpack all the baggage. The monsters that hide under her bed are less frightening than the ones that take control of her head.

No ones afraid to lose her because there's nothing to lose and no one needs to prove anything because there's nothing to prove.

She's anxious. She's a wreck. She's a fucked up mess.

People always want to fuck her but no one wants to love her because there's nothing much to love there.

Used and abused. Lost and forgotten. Circling the drain and about to hit rock bottom. Tick tock, the time on the clock is almost up.

The pussy is great so call her for a good time. Get off then go back to your wife. No one thinks about the way it'll affect her because she wanted it, right?

When the demons creep in, and the wolves scratch at the door... all she needs is someone to protected her and keep her whole.

[catatonic-heart]

Creature

I saw the darkness inside and forgot to look away.

I thought that you were hurt and needed to be saved.

Now that darkness is coming to claim my mind.

It's too late to run and hide.

It ate away at you and now it's consuming me.

Hate and love are similar maladies.

I'm partly the one that helped birth this beast.

You're the bringer of metaphorical death, the carrier of an incurable disease.

Yet still I cared for the creature with ease.

Now that monster is proving to be the death of me.

Your "love" engulfed me in a shroud.

As soon as that shroud fell down, the silence of loneliness became a deafening sound.

Now I'm encased in a living tomb, all because I allowed myself to prance to your devilish tune.

I could scream at the moon, or curse the sun; it's futile to continue the fight when you've already won.

[catatonic-heart]

She is Nothing Without Him

It's hard to read words of love and not be sickened by the intent. Love has never been kind to me; I am convinced that love is just another word for misery.

It slithers in and bites like a snake; it poisons me with its venom, it makes my brittle bones ache. I'm fine for a while until the fever sets in. Eventually reality shifts and my world is alive again.

The world has new colours and tastes, suddenly happiness has a name. Existence has meaning and everything isn't so bleak. But it's a lie told by parents to comfort children so that they sleep.

Be an obedient little girl, Suzie. If you eat all your vegetables and stay skinny, maybe cupid will shoot you with his arrow and little Timmy will love you.

But little Suzie didn't realise that one day love would hurt; she didn't realise that love could blacken her eyes and shove itself between her thighs.

No one ever told her that her knight in shining armour could also be the monster lurking under her bed; no one warned her he could be the one putting doubts inside of her head.

From day one we're all blinded by tales of princes that save princesses because that's just how it's just supposed to be. Except no one warned us that fairytales could end in tragedy.

Love is lies. Love is pain. Love is what causes happy little girls to go insane.

We're told they're not worth shit once we're broken because who would want to play with a broken toy anyway?

Stay pretty, stay pure; all in hopes of being loved and adored.

[catatonic-heart]

Some Wounds Bleed Forever

You promised you were the good guy, that you weren't the wolf pretending to be the sheep; but not every devil looks like a monster and I was easily deceived.

You asked for forgiveness with every mistake; I absolved you of any wrongdoing because I believed you were some sort of saint.

Now I'm easily forgotten, my absence makes no difference.

This sickness is taking my mind and I can't sleep at night because you filled my head with lies.

The answer is I must be the virus eating my own insides.

[catatonic-heart]

Radio Silence

I love yous that burn like lava said with a smile that's slightly evil.

You drilled yourself into my heart before you even touched my body.

I thought I was used to the ache since you've destroyed me like this before.

Tell me you're thinking about me... That you miss me.

Tell me that you never want to hear from me again!

Please say something!

When someone touches your soul, they can't take that back.

How are you unbothered by my absence?

This war inside me will never end.

I love you, I hate you, I love you again.

All these winding roads will never stop leading back to you.

Always.

[catatonic-heart]

Burn This House to the Ground

When I think of home, I think of you. You're familiar and comforting; a shelter against everything. You've made me believe that I'm invincible and can accomplish anything.

You have me under some sort of spell that I can't hex away.

I love you without conditions; you love me only when it's convenient. I fell for your fairytales because you look at me like I might be magic. Our ending will be tragic.

Even as you're ripping out my heart to devour it, I still crave your touch. Someone please exorcise this demon that has attached itself to my soul and taken so much.

You've hurt me so many times; all you are is broken promises and lies. Yet still, I love you, even though love isn't supposed to hurt.

Someone please drench me in gasoline and light the match; please save me from this affliction, please ease this addiction. Please Gods, I beg of you, let me burn and be born again...

I pray deliverance comes soon and I'm left with absolutely no memory of you. I beg, please release me from your servitude.

[catatonic-heart]

Deathly

I always wonder what would happen if I just disappeared.

Never said goodbye to anyone, so no one could shed a tear.

Would you come to my funeral since it's clear that you don't care?

Or would you pray to whatever God to once again have me near?

Words bound me to you, and words broke my soul in two.

I wonder if you're aware of all the damage that you do...

Or does breaking someone come naturally to you?

I long for the solace of nothingness, the calmness of the grave.

Say goodbye to everyone for me, I no longer want to be saved.

[catatonic-heart]

Ashes, Ashes; We Always Fall Down

I woke up next to someone familiar this morning; Sadness. No matter how hard I try, he won't seem to go away. But maybe that's okay. Do I really need peace anyway?

His hands were hugging my neck loosely, like a poorly tied noose. I might as well settle in and get some more rest. Just give me five more minutes please.

"Please don't forget about me", Sadness whispered politely, calling me from my slumber. I sleepily replied, "As if I ever could, you're always there. You're the only one that has never left me". You're my oldest and dearest friend; we have a true bond that'll never end. You keep me company when no one else will.

You tell me all the ways everyone will eventually hate me, forget me, and hurt me. You're my Crystal ball to the future. You've never given up on me; even when I give up on me, even when I've given up on you. Your loyalty knows no bounds and I'm so glad you've chosen me to be your queen. "Please lay here in this darkness with me, for we are eternity".

"What do you want to do today, my love"? Maybe a blade? Maybe a gun? How about some pills, just for fun?

I live in that grey place between darkness and light, life and death.

"Don't worry about me," Sadness said, "I haven't given up on you just yet".

[catatonic-heart]

Everybody's Lost

Everyone I've ever met is seeking the Divine; whether it be in church, in a clearing in the woods, in a synagogue, in a mosque, in a temple, on a lake, lost in a chemical induced haze, or at the bottom of a bottle... They're seeking something, maybe someone, that will make them feel less alone. Except even when they "have their life together", they're still alone. They're alone because when they're lost in their head, no one else is walking down that winding corridor with them. We're all just winging it on our path to divinity. Who really knows what Heaven or Hell looks like when the dead have been so silent. I wouldn't want to know the end of my story because I have masochistic tendencies. Don't pray for me, I don't need saving. Don't light a candle to help me find my way because I'm content not knowing my whereabouts. The previous me is gone and almost forgotten; let me get to know this new creature in peace.

[catatonic-heart]

Hallow

You reside in the deepest, darkest parts of the decaying cavern that is my heart.

You suffocate in the blackest void inside of me.

You will now be a fond memory.

Drink this wine for it is my blood.

My tears are holy, they bring forth the flood.

I cannot be expelled, I am cancer in your bones.

Listen now! Can you hear them chant my battle song?

[catatonic-heart]

Rise. Fall. Repeat.

The static in my head is the loudest it's ever been.

I am broken. Over and over again.

My soul has been decimated into dust.

How do I hold all the invisible pieces together?

Why do I continue to trust?

For some reason I still hold onto hope, as if I were an innocent child.

I continue to bleed love, yet I also permeate hate.

This static in my head is getting louder, it's almost too much to take.

[catatonic-heart]

Stay Away

I take a deep breath and breathe in the winds of change. It's going to be okay this time, right?

I move with the wind's velocity; I try to remain languid as it bends and breaks me.

I pretend everything's okay but it burns my lungs when I inhale.

I try to resist only to have it persist. It's okay to be myself this time, right?

I don't want this, I don't want any of this! I can't do this again, yet I am...

My reluctancy to this new yet familiar dweller is exhausting. Why am I like this?

Breathe in, breathe out.

Inhale, exhale.

"Don't forget who you are again..."