Cath's Dream

Hi, I'm Catherine. I was raised in Dutch, but I seem to express myself better in English.

[cathsdream]

[cathsdream]

My Miscarriage

I lost the baby.

I started bleeding on thursday, I thought it was old blood so I was not yet worried, but very alarmed.

Went to the doctor and she made sure I could go to the gyneacologist fast.

My fiancé was still at work, so he couldn’t be there.

I asked my friend/danspartner and he was at my place in no time.

He’s very protective.

He drove me there and kept me calm with conversation.

Even came with me in the room, because I knew I was going to break.

While we were waiting, I went to the bathroom and the blood turned red.

At first it was brown and it could be old blood, but not now.

I could feel my uterus contracting like with my period and I knew.

This was the beginning of the end.

We went in and I explained the symptoms to the doctor.

She knew.

She did the scan and there was no heartbeat.

He died a week ago.

My body was ready to let him go.

I can’t count how many times I broke down.

This was my baby.

I would have done anything to keep it safe.

But something went wrong.

I started to get more painful contractions and the blood became more and more.

The doctor said there would be a certain period of time were things were going to get bad and then I had to rest.

It started around 6 in the morning.

I went to the bathroom and there was a normal amount of blood.

I went back to bed, but the contractions were getting worse and worse.

I fell asleep and when I woke up there was so much blood.

The contractions now felt like I was in labor.

My body wanted everything out, right now.

I sat on the toilet and tried get it out of me, but was a slow process.

I was losing fluids fast and the pain was enough to make me scream.

I almost lost consciousness twice and needed to lay down, fast.

Even started vomiting, but I had nothing left.

My energy levels were decreasing, I just wanted it to be over.

I called my friend who also had a miscarriage and she coached me through it.

She told me which painkillers would work and they helped make it bearable.

It lasted for 4 hours and then the pain went down.

Lots of bloodclots, so the baby and the amniotic sack have left my body.

Now it’s just my uterus lining.

I never want to go through that again.

But my body is already saying “you survived that, you can do anything”.

I have a checkup on monday to see if everything went away naturally.

I had 3 options: let your body do the work, insert 2 pills to make the uterus contract or get admitted in the hospital and get a curetage.

Since the process had already started, I chose the first option.

That night was hell, that day was hell, life just feels like hell.

And I don’t wish it on anyone.

Chances of miscarriage are 1 in 5.

My baby was 7 weeks and 4 days old and I heard his heart beat.

The more you talk about it, the more you’ll realise many women go through this.

And more women than you think in your environment have gone through this.

Enough with the taboo.

Let’s talk about this.

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Damn you.

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The Tinder Experiment: Phase 3

I started a profile with a very attractive man and zero extra info in the bio. I suddenly saw women from within one kilometer from me, when before I could see women from the country next door. I thought it would be models or bloggers, but it were normal women. Women who would have gone great with my friend, but decided not to swipe right or did not even see his profile. So my thought is this. Does the Tinder algorythm favor attractive people to advertise the app? Or do women just like an attractive man? But if the last one is true, why did my friends profile not see any women nearby? So my final message to men on Tinder is this: It is not you. Do not feel bad because noone chooses you. The app works against you. Pretty faces are good advertisement. Sex sells. Don’t let it get yourself down.

[cathsdream]

The Tinder Experiment: Phase 2

After a while, the matches stopped. I kept seeing women from 70 kilometers away and almost noone from around. I saw nurses/teachers/models/bloggers and people who only had their Instagram in their bio. Again and again, like there were no other options. So many women posing half naked and expected to be taken seriously. No bio, just pictures. No info about her personality, what she’s looking for, interests, hobbies… Just pictures. I understand being proud of your body, but let people discover that for themselves after they’ve gotten to know you.

There were the obvious working girls, who were promoting a certain sex website. It was a nice change in scenery, but they all got swiped away.

I got more negative. No more likes, no more matches. Everything came to a complete standstill. So I started swiping every single one to the right. I did not look if they had bio’s, multiple pictures or were even near me. Just that one picture and a name. Everyone got swiped to the right. And then nothing. Nothing changed. I didn’t get more matches, more likes, more anything. It just died.

Waiting for a sign of life was soul crushing. It made you feel so unwanted. I wasn’t going to keep this going and tell my friend noone was matching him. The difference between mens and womens profiles was enormous.

So now another question rose: Is it the profile or Tinders algorithm?

What if we create a profile with a very attractive man, with no bio, no extra info? Just pictures.

Let’s find out.