bat’s inner monologue

24 / any pronouns / aroace spectrum / lesbian

[cavedbat]

hey blog, it’s been a while (again, i’m really bad at posting). but i want to start posting here again. i like that it’s the social media i know nobody i know is on. i really like feeling like this is the void i can yell in.

i want to start doing like a upside/downside of each week or month or something. i feel like it can be a good way to process my own experiences for the week. i would love other people to reply with their own upside/downside if they read this!

upside of this week- i work at (corporate soul sucking coffee shop) and we are doing a barista championship! i won at store level and got to compete at district level. i didn’t make it any further but it feels cool to say i did it!

tw in the downside: mention of relationship with food, mention of physical health issues

downside of this week- my physical and mental health are both in decline a little bit, i think they’re pulling each other down. i have celiac, which has given me an icky relationship with food, including very ritualistic eating habits. i also have been struggling to breathe recently. my girlfriend thinks my asthma is getting worse, i have a lot of similar symptoms to her and she also has really severe asthma.

anyways! i would love to hear about how everyone else’s weeks are!

[cavedbat]

life update or smth

what’s up blog. it’s been a while and idk if any of my like 2 followers even remember me.

i wanted to give a small update on my life since all i really do here is complain but right now… life is going okay.

i decided to go back to school last year. i took a phlebotomy course. just a 10 week course, and i passed and am now a certified phlebotomist. the downside? i kind of hate it and don’t want to actually do anything in the field. but it was a step in the direction of bettering myself, and i try to be proud of myself for even going out of my comfort zone for it.

i’m still working the same kind of dead end food service job, but i’m finding ways to find joy in it, while i try to figure out what the next move is. i just hit my 4 years there and im not necessarily mad at myself for that. it shows that im at least committed when it comes to future employers.

here’s the highlight of my year. my best friend? the one i posted about multiple times, not knowing how to express how i felt about her? we’re dating! we got together in october, realizing we both have had feelings for each other for years. neither of us wanted to make the first move because we were both scared of ruining our friendship. but i’m so utterly in love with her. i feel things for her i never knew i was capable of feeling. she’s my soulmate and i can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.

i’ve even started secretly looking at engagement rings. i know it’s way too soon to think about proposing but i know it’s going to take a while to find the perfect ring for the perfect girl.

in all, not much has really changed in my life, but things are so much better. for the first time, i see a future coming my way, and i really can’t wait. by no means is my life perfect now, but i have a new perspective, and im trying my best to be positive. i really doubt anyone is going to read all this, but if you did, thank you for listening to me ramble. i just needed to put this update out

[cavedbat]

tw: self hatred, gender dysphoria, slight description of injuries (?)

stupid little vent ahead

i wish i could just be cis. i’ve been binding my chest almost every single day since i was like 14. it’s been 8 years. i’ve switched from binders to trans tape recently, but i’ve essentially destroyed my chest from both. in the 8 years i’ve been using binders, i’ve gone through phases of refusing to even take my binder off to sleep because it makes me so dysphoric and uncomfortable. and im pretty sure at one point ive broken a rib from overbinding. and now, using trans tape has helped, because it’s safe to sleep in. however, it’s ridiculous expensive, and as someone plus sized, it doesn’t work unless i use a decent amount. also, in learning how to use it properly, ive RIPPED my skin. RIPPED my SKIN. i’ve broken my bones, and scarred my body. because i can’t stand to look at myself with stupid tits.

[frankenbacon99]

[sandmandaddy69]

[cavedbat]

i crave being in a relationship but the concept of doing anything to get into one makes me actively nauseous. i downloaded a queer specific dating app, and matched with someone, they messaged me “hi cutie” and i got nauseous and immediately deleted the app. i just want to somehow stumble into a relationship completely randomly and feel normal.

[ilianazzzblog-x]

Tori and Georgia in an another universe omg I love it sm!!! Happy pride month everyone!

[rroaddkill]

Not a day goes by where I'm not thinking of the chucky selfie era ❤️☹️

[cavedbat]

the best way to celebrate pride month is crying while laying on a couch, sharing the couch with your best friend who’s sleeping, while you figure out if it’s possible to have non plationic non romantic feelings for them.

happy pride

[jamierthanyou]

as an aroace, im particularly dangerous, because i wont fuck or marry. i only know how to kill.

[okayto]

#murderbot on the opening of asr (via @grammarpedant)

[kettlequills]

oh so when BARBIE wants to stop being a doll and interact with the real world as a real person, it's fine and fun and great, but when I, charles "chucky" lee ray,

[cavedbat]

are they hot or just trans

[cavedbat]

bring back 24 hour stores. it’s 3am and i just want a little snacky snack :(

[cavedbat]

life is confusing. why do i have to do work to make money. i just want to watch scary movies and make scary movies and live in a scary movie and fall in love with another character in a scary movie

[cavedbat]

tired of being trans. i wish that the little girl who used to inhabit my body could just be real. i want to wear fun little dresses and skirts and go on dates with boys and be pretty. i look back at the little girl who would dance around in dresses and loved pink and would argue over being the girliest girl of my friends. but she doesn’t even feel like me. i feel so separated from her. that’s never been me. underneath that mask was someone who loved bugs and fishing. who played in mud and threw sand. a little boy who just wanted to play call of duty and halo with his older brother.

and i know these are all so stereotypical and all of these things can exist at once. but i just wish that little girl could’ve really existed. she would’ve loved tiktok, dance trends, dressing up, posting photo dumps on her finsta, going out to parties, having friends. but she was never real

[nanochittle]

Reblog if you're LGBTQIA+ (Yes Trans people and people on the ace/aro spectrum are also valid, shut up)

[cavedbat]

i just want a silly little boyfriend that i can hold hands with and learn the living room routine with