sad.

i'm using this blog as a way to get my sad and depressed thoughts out for once.

[celeryshtick-blog]

you took all my insecurities

amplified them

told me that they were okay

and just left without telling me which one drove you away

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drowning and chocking on smoke

if these cigarettes and this bottle could help me forget you i’d be blacked out in some alley with lung cancer at the age of 17, and i wouldn’t regret a damn thing

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excuses

I hate that you use “commitment” as an excuse for doing what you did.

No, you saw something in me that you didn’t like.

That’s why after even I told you were jumping back into a relationship you told me to shut up and that “it’s not like that.”

It kills me that I’ll never know what made you turn from me

I knew I wasn’t enough, thank you for proving that for me.

[celeryshtick-blog]

why?

If you ever think I’ll be normal again with you around, you’re so wrong.

But yet, even after all the damage you’ve done to me, I still put on a fake smile and act like everything is okay for you. I know your life is tough and the last thing you need is someone saying “screw you” or “go fuck yourself.”

That’s the way I feel every night when I’m alone with my thoughts at 4 in the morning for the 4th week in a row.

For 6 months you promised me forever, you said I was perfect for you, that you could never date anyone else, I was something special. I promised you the same thing and I meant it, but now I know you didn’t.

The guys you slept with after, the relationship you jumped into after. You fucking lied to me. And you expect me to just be all smiles and happy to just be friends.

You’re getting exactly what you want while I’m here lost and broken. You drove me to suicide, I started hurting myself because of you, I scream in my pillow because of you, for a week straight I’ve had nightmares because of you, I break down and ask god “what did I do? Why do I deserve this?” at least 3 fucking times every week.

Yet after all the pain, heartaches, panic attacks, mental breakdowns, nightmares, sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, damaged wrists. After all that, I still care for you like I did before all this happened.

I hate myself.

[celeryshtick-blog]

Thanks (not really)

I hate you You've ruined the things I once enjoyed The stuff that I never thought I would stop loving has been tainted by a terrible gut twisting feeling My head starts to pound and I want answers but I know I can't ask and I shouldn't because the truth hurts Yeah I'm your best friend but the more and more you tell me kills me You leave me clues and just drift off and change the subject I don't think about it at the time but when I actually sit down and think, I piece bits and parts together and it makes sense Do you do it on purpose? Is this payback? I don't hate you, I hate what you do to me I love you, but you fucked me up And you know it..

[celeryshtick-blog]

I always thought our friendship was special. Like I thought only you and I could have conversations like that. That could joke around about everything and knew we were joking. We have always been comfortable sharing everything with each other. And I mean everything. Whether it be really personal about our pasts. Or it would be a random thought throughout the day like the time I didn't know dogs had knees. I've been there through everything with you. And you the same for me. You're right, you don't need me. You're your own person. Maybe it's time I left for good.

[celeryshtick-blog]

As I lay in bed and think, I ask myself

Do you even miss me?

Do you miss our conversations that lasted till 3am even though we said we were going to try and go to bed early this time but lost track of time?

Do you even miss all the things I said to you? All the things I called you? Beautiful, pretty, baby, cute-o, gorgeous. Nothing?

Do you miss the way I always knew when you were stressed and told you everything is going to be alright and scratch your back?

Do you miss our random adventures? All our excuses to just see each other everyday?

What about that Weezer concert? Holding you and singing along to my favorite songs on earth was the most amazing feeling. God you looked amazing that night

Or what about Winter Ball? You were my first date to a dance and I’m a senior. When I picked you up at your house I couldn’t stop staring at you because, fuck you looked so goddamn beautiful.

We danced our asses off, Laughed over and over

After we went to 7/11 and picked out a random movie and grabbed some lunchables.

What about the first time I came over and met your parents? Oh my god I couldn’t explain how scared I was because all I wanted to do was make an impression on them. I was so happy when you told me they liked me.

Or how I rocked your baby brother to sleep and sang to him? You told me no one could get him to calm down like that

How about all the amazingly stupid inside jokes we had that no one understands like "Remo," "Borfessor," "Young девочка и Young мальчик"

Those were the best times of my life and nothing could ever live up to that.

[celeryshtick-blog]

I'm sick of always hearing All the sad songs on the radio All day it is there to remind an over sensitive guy That he's lost and alone, yeah I hate our favorite restaurant, favorite movie, our favorite show We would stay up all through the night We would laugh and get high And never answer the phone I can't forgive Can't forget Can't give in what went wrong Cause you said this was right You fucked up my life

What Went Wrong-Blink-182

[celeryshtick-blog]

I'm not me anymore..

I want to blame it on the anxiety, But you won't believe me. I want to blame it on my anger, But you said I can't hide behind that no more You say that they're just excuses, But I swear it's the truth. I don't like it as much as you do, When I lash out and emotionally batter you. Maybe it's the fact that I love the pain, That dark feeling that no one wants me. Or maybe I just want you to know how I feel, this terrible feeling that haunts me day in and day out I push you further and further away with every blame I put on you for my pain, I just want things to go back to how they were Not one thing feels right, But when it does it's bittersweet. The feeling of joy is artificial, a carbon copy of something I once knew so well. Lately my brain has been foggy, full of dread and desires of being dead have become abundant. I can't take it anymore. I've never been so scared in my life, it feels like I'm not supposed to live this long. I'm so close to the greatest achievement that'll make my family proud, yet here I am wanting it all to end before then. Maybe it's because I've grown so accustomed to the encouraging words, or your methods of keeping me calm. Now that it's all gone I am left with this feeling of emptiness that no one cares anymore. You were the one thing I cherished the most, so precious, so unbelievable that you were mine. Now you're not, and all I can do is blame myself. You were the one thing that kept me going, you were my motivation for life and I pushed you away. It's not your fault, this is me. I just wish so badly you could see how devastating this leaves me, but maybe it's best that you don't. I thought I found what I wanted, the one person who would bring out the best of me in every single way. The one who pushed me to go past my limits and live for once. My key to happiness, but I must've been wrong. Not wrong because it was the wrong person. No, I was wrong to ride the feelings so fast and focus only on happiness. That's not what a relationship is all about. Maybe there is a chance for us in the future, I hope there is. But for now? I'm alone in my feelings, no one understands but me. I'm all I got and I'm going to give all I have to be not just happy, but to find myself and be okay with who I am and love myself. But for the time being, I'm just another shattered piece of glass from a mirror that once showed me who I truly was..