One incompetent person can put an at-risk Veteran in a dangerous situation!
Yesterday was a bad day. I had a nervous breakdown / panic attack because of a situation, then to top it off I was told by a therapist "get over it". Really...fucking really?
I am finishing up my time here at the VAMC and my discharge date was set to 18 Feb 2015. Well I have outside things that can pop up and really change that date rapidly. Well one popped up.
On 28 Jan, I emailed my probation officer here and explained I would need to transfer my probation back down to Florida. I explained I had a place that accepted me. The place is run my a retired Marine Corps Colonel and his wife. They deal with combat veterans who are homeless and / or have found themselves incarcerated. I am really excited to work with them soon. Well, after sending the email, I attempted to call multiple time and left multiple voice mails. I wanted to insure he received the information and the task was being worked on. After a week and a half (and not hearing one word from him yet), I finally managed to contact him via phone. He stated he received my emails and voice mails. He then explained that he could not transfer my probation from here to Florida with a program being my address for the transfer. It had to be a family member, this was on 6 Feb. We then set an appointment for 13 Feb to do the transfer paperwork as I told him I may have a family member I could stay with temporarily in Florida.
So I contacted my one family member in Florida, and they gave me permission to use their address and said I could stay with them on a temporary basis. I emailed this information to him on 8 Feb.
Again, I spent the week trying to contact him to find out if that family member's information was going to be okay for the transfer because I did not want this to become a last minute thing. Well on 12 Feb (yes the evening before our meeting), I get an email stating our appointment had been rescheduled for 2 Mar. This causes may issues because I was to discharge from the VAMC on the 18th and after that I had no where to go until the probation could be transfered.
This is the mild beginnings of what led to the eventual panic attack and nervous breakdown. I have severe issues with anxiety and can stress out very quickly. I understand this, and do my best to manage it when I feel it coming on. But as I said, this is the beginning of what led to the breakdown.
The next morning in our big group morning meeting, my case manager specifically, berated us for rumors that were being spread by Veterans to the new Veterans checking into the Dom Program at the VAMC. The rumor specifically was that the Case Managers really did not care about the Veteran patients, and that the Case Managers were not doing their jobs diligently enough and not doing enough for the Veteran patients. This is key that it was MY Case Manager saying this. Now, I don't fully agree with the rumors that were spreading; however, I can definitely see where there is some truth to them. I try and have an open mind whenever I meet someone new. I try and give them the benefit of the doubt, and I also have faith that they will do their jobs.
So after the morning meeting, I approached my Case Manager to explain what was going on with the probation transfer situation, and letting her know the earliest the transfer would be able to happen was looking like March 2nd. She tells me "Well that's just not going to work. You need to all him and tell him that's not going to work, and you will have no where to go after the 18th and you're going to be on the street". I couldn't believe what she was saying. She's told me in the past she used to work as a therapist in a Probation Office. She should know that I can't call this person who holds my freedom in their hands and dictate to them anything. This also the same Case Manager, when told I had to go meet face to face with my Probation Officer to start this transfer said "Can't he just get in his car and come up here? Doesn't he know you are inpatient?" So I proceeded to ask her if she had a computer connected to the Department of Corrections network so he could do his paperwork here and what not. THEN it dawned on her. So we set a meeting between her and I for 2 pm to discuss what progress I had made contacting the Probation Officer and to discuss options.
Well I was able to get in touch with the Probation Officer shortly after. I explained how critical this situation was, and this is why I had emailed him 3 weeks in advance to insure this transfer went smoothly and timely. He told me the reason he had to change the appointment from the 13th to the 2nd of March was because I got the information on my family member to him late. I was baffled, how was the information late....I gave it to him on Monday and this is now Friday. Well I have to walk on eggshells with this situation, so I let it go. He told me there was no way to change our appointment, because his office was moving into a new building next week. Okay, this I can understand completely. I told him I would do my best to get an extension here and keep him informed of what's going on.
Okay, 2 pm meeting time with my Case Manager here at the VAMC. I explained the conversation with the PO on the phone about the meeting. Told her there was no way to reschedule. She tells me they can not keep me here at the VAMC DOM longer because my bed space was already accounted for. I said I would like a 30 day extension just to be safe, even though the 2nd is only a couple of weeks away. She continues to tell me this is not possible (I have only been here 60 days, and I know for a fact people have stayed in the Drug and Alcohol Program for 6+ months) and I needed to think of other options. She said she may be able to get me an extension for a couple of days, a couple of days...what the fuck is that going to do for me...still don't have anywhere to go until the 2nd. Well the meltdown is starting in earnest now. I am shutting down, don't want to talk, getting overwhelmed, starting to go to a dark place in my mind, starting to tear up and starting to shake. So she ask what my options are...I tell her I have no fucking clue. So she pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to me. It's a list of homeless shelters in the area. THis really set me off and I really started to breakdown at the thought of being helpless and going to a shelter. She tells me this is probably my only option and to make sure I have an answer for her by 4 pm group meeting on what shelter I was going to go to.
Okay...sidebar time for a bit. I spent the night on the streets prior to coming to the VAMC when I was released from jail. While it was only one night, I learned a lot that night. If I'm put into a situation where I feel threatened or feel unsafe, I react a certain way (this has been known for awhile). Again PTSD here. Well I know I go to a spot in my mind where I feel I am back in combat, I'm in survival mode. I also go to a dark spot in my mind where I don't mind hurting someone or something if I feel like they are a threat. This is a very very dangerous place for me to go. Quite frankly that side of me scares the hell out of me, and I don't want him coming out. I do my best to keep him in check and he's a scary person. This is way the breakdown started. I knew I would feel unsafe and threatened constantly at a shelter around drugs, weapons and people I didn't know nor do I trust. I would not get any sleep because I'd be watching everyone. Prison time was bad enough but manageable because there are CO's there at least to monitor the situation and you at least find one person to watch your six. Well at the point of the shelter talk I am in full meltdown mode because I don't want that side of me to come out.
So in meltdown mode, I leave my Case Managers office. Yes, she let me leave in the middle of having tears in my eyes and shaking like a leaf. Not the smartest thing in my opinion and probably not very safe. Well as I was trying to make it to my room because I really didn't want to be around people (I was scared for myself and I was scared for people around me so I wanted to be alone), and another Veteran patient saw me. He stopped me and was truly concerned about me. He asked if I was okay. Well I was sane enough barely to explain no, I'm not okay. I want to hurt someone, I want to break something, I want to kick something. Well he stopped me and just listened, that's all listen..it helped. I didn't come all the way down, but just enough not to be a danger to anyone, plus he wouldn't let me walk away from him lol. If he'd only known what was going through my mind, he may have rethought that one lol. Anyways. While I was stopped momentarily, my Case Manager pops up and says she was able to do better then a couple of days extension, she was able to secure my extension until 2 March. Okay...but I'm already over the edge now and it's going to take some time to come back.
Now 4 pm meeting time. While sitting in the 4pm meeting, my Case Manager takes me out of the meeting to talk with me. She wanted to explain that while I was complete with my program, as long as I was here, I was still to go to certain therapy groups and what not. No problem, I planned on this already. So I still had tears in my eyes and I was still shaking at this point and she asked what was wrong, my eyes were red, did I have a headache. Really?! Well against my better judgement, I decided to open up to her (something I don't do often to anyone). I told her my thoughts on the shelter and what not. She proceeds to tell me "That's in the past now, you can't focus on the past, and you need to get over it". I tried to tell her while I was doing better then I was a couple of hours ago, I was by no means 100% and would take some time to come back. She still won't let me finish what I'm saying, continuously interrupts and keeps telling me I should be able to just shut that off and get over it. Well this sent me down the path again. All I wanted was for her to listen to me. I didn't need her particular brand of fucked up advice, just shut the fuck up and listen for five minutes. Let me get it out and be done with it and she couldn't even do that. Incredible! So eventually I just clammed up again, forced it down.
Afterwards, I went to my room and broke down. I must have looked like a hot mess lol. But after that break down, I just put my headphones on and listened to music. I was at the time, chatting with a friend of 20+ years, who really cares for me and loves me, on FB messeger and just listening to music.
A day later and I am still not 100%. I am basically being anti-social today, and really don't want to deal with people if I don't have to. I'm getting better but I have to do it on my own time.
So for those people who think the Veterans of this nation have all the greatest in care available to them, I am here to tell you we do not. The number of people who care, I feel, still out weighs the incompetent and uncaring ones; I still like to be optimistic. But all it takes is one incompetent one to send a Veteran down a road that is harmful to that Veteran and everyone around them.
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