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Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found.

By Rachell Michelle

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Cocktail anyone? — Fuck 🧊

pen and pencil illustration

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The Lighthouse

If I Can’t Have Love I Want Power

pencil illustration | procreate

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september was practice… in october I’m getting my shit together

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in november I'm getting my shit together

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in december I’m getting my shit together

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always drawing

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Happy October 🎃

Second time creating an animation. Having lots of fun with it.

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there was fire in her eyes and love in her soul

-

playing around with animation lately.

trying to find the joy in creation again.

working on releasing the fears and worries if it is good enough in someone else’s eyes.

let’s call this exposure therapy.

[remanence-of-love]

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if you don’t want me sharing how you hurt me,

then maybe you should have thought about that before spewing venom my way.

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“It takes first of all a lot of love and want to change. and you also have to want it enough that you’d be willing to change something in yourself, something fundamental. and that’s a very difficult thing to do. You have to really want the relationship and love your partner in a way that moves you to transcend yourself. You know everyone hopes, “oh if I could just change something in my partner if they were just this way, that way, it would be better,” but really the only change that happens is if you crave the relationship. Love the person enough that you’re gonna move beyond something in yourself.” -Dr. Orna Guralnik

[a-mind-in-ruins]

"you really dodged a bullet"

no, i chased after that bullet and begged it to kill me because i wanted to be loved that bad.

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You so badly want to paint me as the villain in your story.

Putting on the sad mask out in the world

But behind closed doors, the mask is lifted and your true identity is revealed.

Pointing fingers and placing blame while you hide the matches from which you used to set the blaze.

[thoughtcascades]

every time i open up, i remember why i closed down.

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Take me back to the days that the love was unconditional. Where you looked into each others eyes with care. When spending time doing nothing together felt like everything.

I miss feeling loved.

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Hold on so tightly to my pride

You'll never see the tears I cry

Behind the curtain where I hide

Once they dry, I'm runnin' to the spotlight

But I don't wanna lose control

I feel the ceiling cavin' in

And all the lessons that unfold

I learn again and again and again

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My emotions rise like tide.

Engulfing everything in its path.

[tiredandlonelymuse]

The early nights are confusing for the soul, but the forced retirement might do me some good. We went to a dance party. We were the youngest ones there and it was beautiful watching people a decade older than me find joy in nostalgia. I loved Anora. I miss New Jersey. I have been making Christmas ornaments by hand for my future family. I have been taking care of my mother. She has good days and bad. All of this in the few moments between the work and the work and the work. Confetti shot out of a Canon once the crowd already left the building. I feel as though it was all for nothing. It’s a dry, cold, itch. Maybe I’ll hide again until a tour when the sun comes back. Maybe I won’t make a sound. Maybe I’ll sleep. Maybe I’ll choose different this time with my restart to zero, my bonus life I pulled from a box. And pull from a box with a needle every 3 weeks. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I fixed everything so I could do this one thing again, without realizing that one thing was what needed fixing. I am tired and I forgot how to have fun. I complain too much and I should keep it to myself, I’ve been told a lot the past few weeks. But the thing is that I can’t. I have an unrelenting ache and a never ending whine that must crank out of me like a tornado siren in the dark. That’s what’s been wrong with me the entire time, couldn’t they see? I’ve always needed to be seen to exist. But now they don’t see me, and I’m still existing. Perhaps, problem solved. Regrettably.