I was always scared to talk about how I felt. Because I knew I was different. I knew how I felt, wasn’t quite right. When I did talk about it, I got judgment, that nothing was wrong with me. To just not think about it and think happy thoughts. I wanted nothing more than that. But I could never seem to get there, no matter how hard I tried. Until My boyfriend pushed me to get help because he could see my struggle. The more time that passed the worse it got. Until I found out I had bad anxiety and depression. You can’t just shut off the feelings and thoughts. Before I got help, I would wake up and everyday and feel at least one of these things. Or more often then not, I felt all of these in one day.
Anxiety:
I would be jittery, like I could jump out of my skin. Sometimes the minute I woke up. I would worry about everything. From going into a store to asking someone if I could get by at work to asking the cook for a hot dog at the work bbq. These seem like small things, but to me they were huge. The panic in my chest was so heavy I can’t even explain. Sometimes so bad I would send myself into a panic attack. I was scared of everything, it controlled my life. I wouldn’t go anywhere either.
I would make up situations in my head that haven’t even happened and get myself all riled up and mad at my boyfriend and I had no reason to be. Everything was a catastrophe in my head. I felt like I was psychotic.
No emotion:
I would feel nothing at all, and I mean nothing. I had no emotion over anything. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. The world could be ending and I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel anything. I would pinch myself as hard as I could and I would get nothing. It was a scary feeling.
Angry:
I would be so angry. Over nothing and everything. Any little thing set me off. I had crazy mood swings. My mom thought I was bipolar. She told me “you’re different you’re not the same.” And I knew it. I just didn’t know how to make it stop.
Sad:
This is the tough one to write about. Uncontrollable crying and sometimes I didn’t know why. I had this intense feeling in my chest everyday that was tight, heavy and suffocating. I imagined it as a black fog that I couldn’t breath out of my lungs. I would repeat bad things in my head. “Nobody likes you” “you’re ugly” “you’re fat” “you’re a burden” “they would be better off without you” this is where it gets really tough to admit and talk about, because I never have admitted this. As bad as this is, I would wish that I would die. I would wish that something would happen to me. I thought nobody would care and that this was going to be my life forever. Logically I knew it wasn’t true but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that way. I would chant it in my head over and over. Bringing myself to tears. You know you’re being irrational but you can’t stop. I’ve had tough things happen in my life but I had a loving family and boyfriend. I had a job and a safe home. Looking in I had nothing to be sad over.
I didn’t wanna hurt the people I loved. I knew it was a heavy burden to deal with. I knew I was a mess and that it was hard to deal with. I just wanted to be happy so bad but I didn’t know how to get there. How could I be with all this weighing me down everyday?
It is so exhausting to have your mind be in a battlefield everyday, draining you. When you try to talk about it, you get shut down and an eye roll. Because you’re just “whining” “can’t handle life” and “have nothing to be sad about” so most suffer in silence. Nobody knows you’re moments away from breaking.
I’m not ashamed of having anxiety and depression anymore. Even though I’ve gotten help and am finally so much better and happy. It will always be apart of who I am. I’m not here trying to lecture, get pity or act like I know everything because I don’t. I just know from experience and seen with my own eyes the painful struggle. It’s a hard thing to understand if you don’t have it. If someone finally gets the courage to talk about it, and trust me it takes so much to even bring it up. It’s so important to listen and try to help without judgment.
dededos
dailybridgerton
baratheonpilled
kianamaiart
