highlights from my third viewing of cats (2019)
out of every past viewing, this is the best. why? because an entire group of people reserve the back row seats right behind us, and are flipping their shit the whole time. i would like to buy them drinks
this is also the most crowded theater out of my three (3) viewings. there are a few children. two boomers sitting next to us tell us to shut up in only the first five minutes of the film. they quickly learn not to bother trying
pix and i have already seen this. harper is new to this. harper is afraid
pix and i know all the previews. we know the sonic trailer by heart. we can recite the trolls 3 trailer word for word. our hearts soar at the sight of the in the heights trailer. it represents hope, faith in the fact that not all movie-musical adaptations may be lost to us.
the lights dim. i am watching cats for a third time, and the lights are dimming, and i think i may die in this theater
i know all the words. i hate that i know all the words.
pix keeps a counter for how many times they say the word “jellicle” in the film. so many times. so many.
the first song does not garner much audience reaction. but the jellicle counter is at about 54. by the end of the first. song.
rebel wilson scratches her taint. this is when the theater erupts into laughter, and the real journey begins
people groan when the mice show up, people cry when the roaches start dancing, people openly scream when rebel wilson takes off her skin
jason derulo sprays everyone with milk. the guy behind me sounds like he’s crying
james corden is here. james corden is given a champagne cumshot directly to the face. somebody shouts, “oh HELL no”
every time a cat nuzzles/almost kisses another cat, everyone makes various noises of discomfort
at some point, a small child yells, “IT’S NOT FUNNY!” this, naturally, only provokes more laughter
victoria sings the shitty song taylor swift wrote for the movie. pix seizes the opportunity to go to the bathroom. she comes back and the song has only just started. pix sighs dejectedly
dame judi dench is here. harper begins to openly weep
sir ian mckellen laps directly from a bowl of water. “ooooooookaaaayyy,” someone says
pix’s counter must be at at least 85 by now
it slowly dawns on me that this is the third time i have seen this movie. and i know all the words. i begin to dissociate
skimbleshanks the railway cat sings his song. he starts to tap dance. people start cheering. pix is saluting
people whoop and clap when skimbleshanks spins into the air at the end of his song. the cheers immediately turn to cries of horror as idris elba whisks him away. everyone in this theater has become a skimbleshanks stan
what time is it? is it nighttime outside? what day is it? what year is it? i think i still have homework to do. who am i? i can’t remember. all i know is cats, cats, cats
the napkins i grabbed are stuck in a soggy mess to the bottom of my slushie cup. shit.
taylor swift descends from the heavens and causes a mass cat orgy. this in turn causes a mass audience breakdown . someone shouts, “these cats are so HORNY.” he’s right. these cats are very horny
idris elba is naked. shrieks elicit from the crowd
mr. mistoffelees sings his song. people clap and cheer at the end again, but the applause tapers off into groans as mistoffelees nuzzles victoria.
i whisper in harper’s ear, “he gave us no choice but to stan.” she nods. her eyes have a glazed look to them
somebody yells, “NO” in pure disbelief as rebel wilson once again removes her skin, this time as a major plot point
time is no longer relative. nothing is real
dame judi dench speaks directly into the camera for a solid twenty minutes. people aren’t even trying to hide it. they’re just talking over it, at how absurd this movie is
the movie ends. it receives a standing ovation
i avert my eyes as the boomers pass us on their way to the exits. i hope it wasn’t ruined for them
but who goes to see cats unironically anyway
we make it outside. it is uncomfortably warm. it is daylight. not a sound from the pavement. has the moon sun lost her memory? she is smiling alone.
harper looks blank. pix is tweeting about it, immune at this point to cats and everything it stands for
“anyway,” i say. my voice sounds like it’s coming from far away. “stan skimbleshanks the railway cat.”
the others murmur words of agreement.
i have two tests tomorrow, i realize. and i have not studied for either of them
cats has changed me as a man. for the better? for the worse? i don’t know. i don’t know.
final jellicle count: 135
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
dailybridgerton
stormborns
snowghoul
