chaoschilds' HIDEOUT

Artist & Storyteller Creative writing and personal reflections — exploring what is, and creating what could be. A space to question the familiar, imagine the unknown, and give shape to new possibilities. https://chaoschilds.carrd.co/

[chaoschildshideout]

Hello! chaoschilds here 🌙

It’s been a while since I first mentioned the rebranding — it’s taking longer than expected but IT IS moving forward in the background! (thank you for being patient with me 🫶).

In the meantime, I wanted to share with you what feels like a pretty ambitious goal of mine: setting up for streaming.

My goal is: 1,000€

With a simple but complete setup (laptop + screenless Wacom + basics), I could finally be more present and consistent online. It would help me stop procrastinating, share my art in a lighter, more fun way, and actually chat with people about it without feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve realized this wouldn’t just be a practical upgrade, but also a huge support for my mental health: when I draw, talking quiets my thoughts and makes me feel truly connected. Having that kind of interaction would help me shift away from my negative self-perceptions and enjoy my creativity with more peace and joy. 🎨✨

There are different ways to support: Paypal.me, Ko-fi (higher donations include a colored sketch as a gift), Patreon (which will play a bigger role after the rebranding, kinda dead atm), or commissions — budget-friendly or refined. Every bit of support makes a huge difference and helps me move forward with much less stress 💖

Links are in my bio, and I’ll also be sharing some new art in the next slides!

Art samples (especially for the refined commission options) are still a work in progress as part of my rebranding. I’ll be updating them gradually as I create new commissions.

#chaoschildsHavoc #chaoschilds #socialupdates #artistsupport #streamingproject #artistchanges

#onlineartist #animeart #dndcharacterart #bunnygirl #demongirl #magicgirl #stagecrew #illustrations #dragon #chibiart #fullbody

[chaoschildshideout]

chaoschilds — Character Artist & Storyteller

Freelance character artist — thoughtful, custom anime-style illustrations. Explore my portfolio or contact me for commissions.

Support & Commission Link for anyone interested!

Art Samples will be updated gradually in time 🤟❤️

[chaoschildshideout]

This Is for the One Who Was Told to Be Quiet While Dying Inside.

Welcome to a space where your pain is seen, your rage is heard, and your existence is always valid.

My life put me through experiences that made me believe that there was a “right” way to live it, a path that I should be able to discern from the wrong ones. I learned that anything that wasn’t certain should feel like danger and consequently it should be avoided at all COST. Even if the cost was my own life and freedom, even if it meant spending almost 17+ years closed in a room, physically and mentally. A constricted space, only allowed to survive on crumbles.

Shame is the most powerful tool of manipulation, it makes you believe that there is something inherently wrong with you, something that YOU need to change in order for you to EARN the right to exist among others. No one ever told you that your existence will ALWAYS be valid no matter what you’ll do! You deserve to exist just because you already exist.

Life, casually, decided that you were wanted and needed here, I’m not religious (some people will use this statement as a valid reason to say “I have no reason to listen to you if you’re not a believer” instead of using their own critical thinking and taking the good from what I have to share), and I don’t mean any of this in a religious way, I’m just stating what I can see, feel and experience as a human being myself. You are here, I am here, therefore, no people on this earth can take away the value of your existence!

What saddens me is that you, the one who is reading this, might completely BELIEVE that such a thing doesn’t exist or it is impossible, that you must adapt, you must bow, abandon yourself in some way, and that is the only way for you to create a space in this world for your dreams and needs, for yourself. Maturing, becoming more resilient, being responsible has nothing to do with self-abuse or violence or coercion, it is about you using your free will to make a choice, whatever that choice is. 

You. Don’t. Lack. Anything. You don’t lack confidence, you don’t lack strength, you don’t lack willpower, you don’t lack “so on”. You cannot become or be any of the things you wish for yourself by beating yourself up, or pushing yourself harder; discipline (which is often mentioned and misinterpreted) is not VIOLENCE, is not silencing yourself, your needs, it is about holding your own hand even when things aren’t ideal! Knowing that there’s nothing wrong about feeling pain, or feeling ashamed or embarrassed, that those emotions are NOT a stop sign, they are just a normal human experience. The more we fight, avoid or resist painful experiences the more we prolongate it and enter a state of suffering.

And this is something that might be painful for many people to read, but you cannot force yourself into healing, into love, into discipline…and that same forcing is the reason that you remain stuck. Because this world gives you everyday the message that you need to be fixed, saved, helped, that something is WRONG about you…when the real reason you are so lonely is that almost no one knows how to tolerate pain, you are not too sensitive, you exist because this world LACKS sensitivity, not the opposite.

People don’t know how to give total presence and love to huge amounts of pain. They act scared and confused, but it is not our fault, and we perceive those reactions as rejection. We feel like we should not make others feel uncomfortable, but we can be our very first presence during those times.

If you are not religious or don’t believe in something larger than you, if you’re more on the pragmatic side, then let me tell you this in a more pragmatic way. Do you believe evolution is dumb? That it doesn’t know what it’s doing? Variety exists because it is our best chance at survival, you cannot live if you don’t survive first, so if evolution decided that more sensitive people were needed NOW, maybe it is because only sensitive people can sense the new dangers, challenges of a modern world in which survival is not enough anymore.

If you feel like you wasted your whole life, not knowing anything other than pain, by surviving until you reach better opportunities is already absolutely the BEST achievement of your life!!

So no, you can feel shame, but you should not be ASHAMED of yourself because you have done NOTHING wrong!

And even if you did something “wrong”, your wrongness will NEVER be a VALID reason for people to justify the ways they hurt you. I hurt you because…”fill in” is not your fault.

If you really have to get angry, don’t get angry at yourself, burn this whole world down if that will calm your pain*, because I assure you, you were needed, life decided that you have something way more valuable to offer, even by contrast and pain, than what society ever told you or offered you!

Your rage is not inherently destructive, it only becomes destructive when you ask others for permission to be yourself, to allow you freedom and space that is already yours. You only want destruction upon people and things that limit you, but if you realize those limitations can go away without destruction you won’t need to be afraid of yourself and your actions!

If you feel the need to, you can vent in the comments and give each other presence and support! We are not alone!

*Disclaimer: If your mental health is in a critical position, remember to ask for help, not because something is wrong with you, but because in everything we do in life, there will always be consequences that we might not want or evaluate objectively during vulnerable moments, that is why venting, writing, imagining, can be transformed in something cathartic instead of acting upon impulses. Remember that by imagining you’re not really harming anyone, but if you know pain, I know you don’t want to bleed on people who have never hurt you, even if the world seems only an extension/projection of yourself! Be safe!

[chaoschildshideout]

Today I sat down at the desk with the intent to get back actively on social media, and I told myself that I would allow imperfection to be part of the process. Of course, I hit my head against a wall because I started obsessively wanting to create the perfect "content" — image, text, tags. I have ongoing projects and I have no clue what I can share and what not for spoilers — SPOILERS — as if I'm famous and have many views. Then I remember I'm just a girl… learning to be open, honest, vulnerable. I am scared people will judge me and tear me down with their judgement. I feel like the eyes of people on me are those of hungry predators… I feel like a bunny that just wants to hide…

Funny, honestly expressing myself gave me an idea… So now, take a deep breath, and do you. The world won't explode if I do something silly, unimportant, messy for once. Sometimes I must be crappy and exist that way… because creativity cannot bloom in such a constricted environment!

I am back witchesssss but with B x///D

[chaoschildshideout]

My first Tumblr anniversary 🥳

:OOOO

[chaoschildshideout]

Can this — even if it's just an abstract, digital space — ever really be safe? For me? For us?

I am scared that whenever I share a piece of myself, of my inner world, people might use that as evidence of hypocrisy if I don't align with the labels I am put on because of those pieces of me and my world.

Inconsistent? Unreliable? Contradictory?

I don't want to fit in no box... I just don't want my existence, my sensitivity or fragility to be used as a weapon against myself. So I hide, I become invisible, even if I crave connection and attention, how do you tell the world that you don't have anything to give...but only want to take for how much you've given your whole life?

Does anyone feel genuinely happy just by giving and nothing else? Without resentment, punishments or expectations?

No one has to pay the price of my past, trauma and pain...but what if my honest truth is nothing but cruel to others?

I am not to decide whether someone thinks I'm valuable or not, but living feels so scary when you couldn't trust the ones who were supposed to protect and encourage you.

I want to keep all of myself for myself, because I want no one to harm my inner child anymore...but that's just existing, not living.

I want to fly, and I want to bury myself, far far away from the light because I'm scared it will burn me if I try to reach high...balance?

I don't want balance, I want the ecstasy of life. I want to feel free, even if it meant owning the freedom of destroying myself, not because I want to, but because I want to know that I am truly free, to be the worst and still deserve my own love and existence.

Interacting with people is only hard and draining when you have to keep on masks to protect yourself...but without those masks, who protects me?

You learn to say no, you learn that it is safe to upset people, not everyone, some will get mad even if you do all the "right things".

I want to exist. Above the clouds. I want the nonsense to make sense, I want to be seen, heard. I want...I wish.

I wish a moment of imperfection didn't ruin my whole identity, my whole integrity, that love was more profoundly connected to humans and the earth.

If there was more love than war, especially the war inside everyone...this could be a safe space for me.

But everyone is at war with me, because everyone is at war with themselves. And I'm no victim, because I allow that war, thinking I deserve nothing more than violence.

I want peace but I succumb to others when they seek war...I don't protest, I let them burn everything, like a passive spectator...but when they leave...all it's left is burnt ground...and me left helpless in this desolated land that I didn't even try to protect.

I didn't protect it, so how can I ask for land, grass, water...I didn't protect it, so I should lay in the ashes of my own inability.

No...I don't want to, I don't want to punish myself because I was too scared to act.

I am free just because. I exist just because. Life doesn't owe me anything...I don't owe life anything, it is just my selfish desire to not cause "ashes" on other peoples' lands.

Because I know how it feels, but that's all I can do. Don't ask for more, cause I've got no more than that, don't try to change me or expect more from me...or just do whatever you want, because in no way I can control you. I'm only accountable for myself.

I don't know why all I've written now exists. It just needed to without a reason, because sometimes it is enough to do something without any logical reason. I just wanted to be free.

[vexheart]

[cherrypeaurrrl]

Under the Lemon Trees (Darling, You'll Never Know)

Darling, you’ll never know

The miles I crossed just to catch your eyes,

While whispers in shadows claimed I was chasing a crown.

Pride is a cloak I wear with ease,

But some silent tether wouldn’t let me leave.

I’ve been bound to you since my very first breath.

I savored your laughter like warm whiskey,

My favorite drink on the loneliest nights.

Your words lingered like smoke in the air,

Soft and slow, refusing to fade,

Even your teasing, a sting meant to heal.

Isn’t that what love is?

A thousand storms inside me, all at once.

Unsent letters pile, one for every day I’ve lost count,

Locked away in a secret place,

Too afraid to break free,

Knowing I’ll never be yours,

But friendship, for now, is enough.

A fragile seam separates sweet and salt,

Just like you and me.

Two lovers shaped as seas,

Skin to skin,

Kissing along the seam,

But never flowing from the same stream.

In my dreams, we danced beneath golden lemon trees,

Laughter caught between the leaves,

Your hand gently holding my waist,

A peck on my cheek, only for me.

I hate the mornings,

A silent thief in the bright light,

Stealing you from me,

Leaving my heart tangled deep in lemon-scented grief.

Maybe some things aren’t meant to stay.

I reach for what slips through my fingers,

A shooting star fading across a sparkling sky.

I have to remind myself to breathe,

Holding tight to the ache of almost,

Hoping the dawn will bring you near,

Or at least chase away the fear.

I walk the same grove each night in sleep.

No matter how far the light drifts from me,

I’ll always dream where the gold still falls,

Hoping gently to be yours in a world that never was.

Where amber eyes catch the fading light,

Your smile spreads like wildfire,

A burning fire deep within,

Melting into my olive tan skin.

I toss the letters to the wind,

Wishing all my feelings would float away.

But love, once inked, will never bend,

It burns inside, refusing to decay.

[cherrypeaurrrl]

Musical Chairs (The Music Stopped, and I Wasn't It)

Laughter chased the wind,

and we chased each other,

tag, you’re it. but I lost track

and they all moved too quick

The grass grew brittle,

the fences rose high,

the sandcastle shattered,

beneath a grey sky.

They scattered like leaves,

found places to flee,

while I stayed behind,

watching the swings creak.

They found their tracks.

I missed my cue.

I wandered through songs

with no chair to claim,

Nothing with my name

no rhythm or beat,

no game left to play,

no place at their feet.

Told myself it was just a miss,

a late bloomer, a sleeper hit.

But the season changed. the gardens quit.

And every key I turned...was someone else's.

They share sneaky hallway kisses,

balcony talks past eleven,

a kid asking where the other sock went.

I watch from the other side, cig in my hand,

googling "what's the plan at 27."

The circle closed, the chairs were filled.

The sign said stop, the music stilled.

I reached out.

Still no one called me

it.

[cherrypeaurrrl]

I killed a flower once (the death of a flower)

I held it too close

more than it could hold,

breathed life into something

not ready to bloom.

It stayed small beneath my touch,

slowly folding in on itself,

leaves darkening,

wilting until it vanished.

Come back to me, I’ve learned to wait without fear

without chasing shadows of what we were.

I hold the space between us,

letting go of what’s gone.

But still I ache for what I lost, for what I couldn’t keep.

I wait,

though the silence never quite leaves.

Rootless,

I whispered your name into the night

thought it might anchor you here,

but your absence is a room

I built with empty walls,

a place where nothing grows.

Still, I water the dust.

I wait with open hands,

not chasing ghosts of what slipped away.

I stay still, letting go of what’s lost.

Still, I reach for what was ours,

for what’s vanished in the dark.

I don’t know how long this will be,

this endless holding on.

I never meant to break you,

never meant to burn so bright.

And now I’m waiting in the dark,

wishing you’d take back

the light I let slip.

Come back to me,

I’ve learned to hold the space without fear,

without longing for what we were.

But the hollow grows louder,

and I’m still aching

for what slipped like sand

through my open hands.

I held you too tight, now I let you breathe.

Don’t know if you’ll return, or if you’ll ever see

how I keep the space empty,

waiting for something to grow,

even if nothing ever does.

I water the earth, but it’s dry beneath me.

I wait, not sure what for,

just that I can’t stop.

I let you go, but silence

still claws at me.

[cherrypeaurrrl]

Terms & Conditions

I told myself it wasn’t a deal,

not love on paper, no stamps or seals,

but every smile carried hidden terms,

a price tagged beneath every glance,

trading pieces of myself for a love

that never asked what I was worth,

even though the contract came with conditions,

an expiry date written in invisible ink.

How could a man so flawless

sign on the dotted line

without a single clause,

love without balance or tally,

give love without expecting returns?

How could he look at her,

not as a prize, a possession,

but as someone worth more

than the sum of his secret desires?

I tried to convince myself

I could make him fall for me,

if I shrank into a mold,

gave up pieces no one saw,

hoped that by shrinking,

I’d become what he’d want.

I kept shrinking,

spiraled down through hard drugs,

lost in an eating disorder,

walked the thin line of losing it.

Until there was nothing left to give.

I wanted the simplest of things

a glance, a smile, a touch,

something real to hold onto,

but even that was too much.

But he never loved me,

just a shadow misfit in his perfect frame,

a ghost he refused to face.

I gave you more than I should have,

walked away from those who cared,

bore the weight of silence and pain,

just to catch your fleeting smile.

I know your love’s not mine to keep,

but can’t you spare a kinder glance?

You smile for everyone but me,

a nobody in your crowded room.

Maybe it wasn't all your call,

but you could’ve drawn a line,

said no instead of shutting me out,

letting silence sting worse than words.

But I don’t blame you,

I was the fool chasing shadows,

trying to fix a flat script,

only to watch the act fall apart.

I said a novice on stage

could change the closing scene,

though the lines were fixed,

and the curtain was coming down.

Still, I have hope,

less than before,

but I promise it’s still there.

Hope’s a broken bulb

that sputters to life,

fragile, fading,

but never gone completely.

I stayed beneath that fragile light,

caught in the wavering flicker,

holding on to a tiny spark,

hoping it just might shine.

Maybe one day you’ll miss

how we used to share popcorn at 2 a.m.

knees brushing on the cold tiled floor,

your thumb tapping the controller mindlessly,

while I accidentally brewed the tea too sweet.

We never made it to the end of the movie,

talking over it always felt better.

Maybe I’m foolish,

but I’m still standing here,

under that fragile light,

waiting for you to come back.

I’ll be waiting,

frizzy hair, mismatched pajamas,

smudged kohl under tired eyes,

and until this day comes,

I’ll be patiently waiting for you.

If you never walk through that door again,

I’ll still keep two cups ready,

not because I’m expecting you,

but because the habit’s harder to break.

Until that day comes,

I’ll be waiting, quiet, patient,

like a song stuck on repeat

in the back of my mind.

I’ll wait here,

near enough to know you’re there,

but too far to reach.

And if that day never comes,

know you’re still tangled in my thoughts,

a quiet echo I can’t erase,

even when I try.

You live in the corners of my mind,

where no one else can reach,

a ghost haunting every quiet moment,

no matter how far I run.

Love,

your once and never again.

[perfectfeelings]

“Be a child again. Flirt. Giggle. Dip your cookies in your milk. Take a nap. Say you are sorry if you hurt someone. Chase a butterfly. Be a child again.”

— Unknown

[chaoschildshideout]

You are free, you have always been

Sometimes it can be as simple as that, sometimes we have to unlearn the blind trust we have in our thoughts and emotions, sometimes we realize that just because we don't feel satisfied or feel unworthy, it doesn't really MEAN that it is reality, I might make progresses everyday but invalidate them myself because I won't accept anything less than perfect.

But worry not, because it doesn't really matter how you'll spend your lifetime, you couldn't waste your time or energy even if you wanted to, because you were born with nothing, you were born with no obligations, no goals, someone just inculcated that stuff in your head.

You are free, but when someone decides things for you for your whole life, you might not know what to do with that freedom once you realize it. Don't worry.

People get depressed when they hear "nothing makes sense", because they have been stripped of their freedom and witnessing this truth threatens and erases their built identity on pleasing expectations.

Even if you don't know it, you are free right now, even if you don't feel it or consider it a possibility in your reality. Even if you won't admit you deny your own freedom out of fear and pressure and expectations and the delusions of people who used their superiority to crush the real you, to mold you into whatever they needed and wanted, you are still free.

Just a reminder that you are free, but it doesn't mean it will always feel good, because freedom can hurt when it brings isolation, or consequences we don't want. But still...

You are free.

[chaoschildshideout]

I like the idea of posting here during the day, it is like keeping notes about my thoughts but somehow the idea that people can see them makes it better because I am not to decide whether what I think is valuable or not and I might inspire someone without ever knowing it!

It might sound weird, but I lived without a phone for almost 2 years and only recently bought a new one for necessity and I feel like experiencing social media perks for the first time. Maybe it is a need for connection 🤔

I am watching a movie (Upgraded) and taking breaks to eat my homemade cinnamon rolls, working on commissions, progressing so slow after weeks of procrastination.

But I am weirdly happy, I am not writing all of this for others, I just feel safe expressing myself and knowing I don't have to hide parts of me and make other ones more visible for the sake of likeability.

I realized life cannot flow if you do not nurture your soul, however sometimes I feel so inspired by multiple things that I kinda end up doing nothing because prioritizing feels hard. It's like not wanting to lose any kind of experience but you already know you have set energy and time to spend on earth so you take back control by "choosing" to do nothing instead of experiencing the full pain of never being able to have it all.

Sometimes I believe I was meant to write. Not in the sense that it has to be popular somehow. I just have so much in me that finally has an outlet, and...it is one of those rare moments when I feel so happy being alive. It doesn't need to last forever, I know that. Being here is enough right now. Maybe later I'll be crying who knows...but that's why these moments are so precious! Don't take them for granted!

[chaoschildshideout]

Commissions always make me feel as if I am "trapped" in all kind of limitations, as if every wrong line, brush stroke is a dagger into my back...ughh, it's as if mistakes are such a danger because I need to prove my worth to other people..

When I draw freely for myself I can turn mistakes into opportunities to be more creative and rather than avoiding the hard things I transform them in something pleasant and unique, maybe because there's nothing to compare it with.

Learning the rules, staying within the rules can be hard when you have no perception of a real self-esteem or value outside of what you DO. If I am not what I make, if I do a bad commission, a bad drawing, what will happen to me? Of course there are real consequences like the client not coming back to you, but I realized that not being commissioned again by the same people actually makes me feel relief instead of anything negative. That says a lot about me and my fear.

Introspection can help a lot figuring out what your real issues and traumatic responses are to your environment! In my case I definitely have a hard time making commissioned artworks because 1) I don't actually have the kind of skills that give me emotional/mental stability and knowing I don't have to stress about the work, I lack experience! 2) I'm still trying to prove that by making money through my art makes it worthwhile to continue dedicating my time and energy to artistic expression without external judgements or the fear of it being called a "silly hobby".

It is hard to pursue any kind of dream when you lack support or worse, people diminish or treat you badly because of it. It's as if you need some kind of proof, some kind of approval that you are allowed to spend time doing what you love.

[chaoschildshideout]

Morning Anxiety - Most Artists are actually traumatized

I just woke up and writing helps me with morning anxiety, my brain likes to deep dive on all kind of thoughts as soon as I wake up, like if I just rot in bed my day will be doomed but if I start using my brain, venting, writing, be it who knows what kind of philosophical reasoning about the most random stuff it actually enters creative mode.

Sometimes I think my strongest assets as an artist are my creativity and emotional depth, also my problem solving but somehow I end up crying more about my skills because art isn't treated with respect like any other passion or job in our modern world (stuff like being a musician, artist, etc).

I believe artists had it soo hard from the beginning of their lives because they lacked real support and have been constantly receiving signals from the world that what they have to offer is not practical and useless overall. Wow...how do you not hate yourself and everything you create and always feel like you are not enough... *cough* I wonder why we all have self-esteem issues. Since we are young we NEED to prove through fame and money that our career choices are WORTH IT, that we won't be starving artists...I believe any artist under 18 years old AT LEAST, should not be worrying about making money with art at all, they should have the MENTAL freedom to explore their choices.

Sometimes I doubt I would have become so fixated with art commissions online if it wasn't that my desire to draw was always a reason to talk about money in my parents' house. Yep, brain thought we were in danger, that our time was meant to be used on certain hobbies only if we could PROVE that we could make money out of it...

Oh geez...

Here ya go, no, being an artist doesn't feel like a constant battle because it is NORMAL for it to be that way. MOST ARTISTS are simply traumatized and no one realizes that, so no one can help them!

I started thinking that maybe I should make some YouTube videos about the emotional side of being an artist, it could help people realize and start healing their trauma so that their work experience can be more free and peaceful!

[chaoschildshideout]

Yesterday I wrote an entire text that got lost out of a loading error and I just started posting randomly non art related content without any explanation as to why, sooooo here is the why! :D

(Yesterday I just got frustrated and gave up on rewriting it xD)

I wanted to announce that I'd start using Tumblr as my main social media both for art and as an online kind of journal/venting to make myself feel less invisible, especially the pain of trauma and depression I go through daily and the messy process of healing out of it.

I used to believe or label myself as mature or professional for not being one of those people who share a lot online, and saw people acting negatively towards those who did: calling them cringe, pick me people, attention seekers. I just ended up people pleasing a bunch of strangers online...and it made my perfectionism and expectations towards myself waay worse.

Other socials will be used as "portfolio" or sharing selected works, while on here I'll share daily drafts, sketches, behind the scenes, cooking, random thoughts, venting. After all this is my hideout! :))

Sometimes we think we are in control of our lives, that we consciously make choices for ourselves, but in reality our decisions are based on fear and desire. And if you don't work them out properly you might not always go in the direction you really want to!

I prefer Tumblr to many other socials, especially Instagram but I was always afraid it might not be the most popular. 

I am kind of a multifaceted artist...I don't just draw, I love art in every form, singing, sculpture, painting, dancing, writing...and especially I like anime art, but maybe that's changing too, not as in I want to abbandon it completely, I am just feeling more safe in exploring new options and having fun, which depression and anxiety out of trauma stopped me for years!

I am afraid, yes, but not as much as in the past, I have wasted many years worrying and crying...now I want peace and enjoy life however it is, not by fighting against it, but embracing it's flow.

PS. Here's a work in progress of something cool I made