Poems & Stuff

She/her Open to suggestions Here to get better, not to be perfect :)

[charliesco11ection]

Taking Time with a Broken Jar

I think

I am little pieces

Little pieces of a broken jar

Broken jars

Frankenstein has nothing on me

Little pieces of things I hate about others

Her impatience

His hypocrisy

Their anger

Someone’s dishonesty

All coming together to create me

To make me out of old clay

A broken jar

Made of broken jars

Broken jars of the bad

And the good

Her energy

His diligence

Their booksmarts

Someone’s joyfulness

Maybe not all the pieces are so bad

Who has my missing pieces

My boyfriend has my love

My mother has my laugh

My sister has my smile

My friends my righteous wrath

I am not the only broken jar

Vessel made of clay

Reborn into another

But the same still everyday

Some pieces break off

My innocence has fallen

But secured in its place

Keen discernment and reason

Maybe the patchwork

Is art not abomination

I have all these changing pieces

I just need time to place them

•

•

•

Take your time Charlie, you already have all you’ve been given

[charliesco11ection]

The Shining City (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/story/315606212-the-shining-city?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_myworks&wp_uname=NoraSpillman&wp_originator=8JRy3Oknf7t4n0%2FWuY2VQi%2BR8YN2WEhsZELdrEUCc2GJIsBpXN1ktRjOB31Su%2BrXNkQ%2BkY%2BYdo8BNAastTFthW1oYcCCwyEucTdJGGumdaRzFCls9m15v16HdDZJCqvJ A boy born to live and die in a closed-off city. A girl on the run from a threat from her past. When the boy's city is raided and all the able-bodied men are captured and extracted, he is the only one left behind. Making a promise to find and return the men to their families, Sebastian escapes the city only to find that the world is bigger than he thought and he may need some help from a strange girl with a whole lot of knives and a whole lot of secrets.

[charliesco11ection]

My Girl

I love my girl

Because she sobs at every movie

Because she always thinks I’m funny

Because she knows just what to say

I love my girl

Because she dances at every party

Because she is so unbelievably pretty

Because her smile makes me happy everyday

I love my girl

Because her handwriting is sloppy

Because she picks at all her acne

Because she’s a whole day’s drive away

I love my girl

Because she’s the only one for me

Because she’s just amazing

Because she grows from her flaws

I love my girl

Because I trust that she loves me

Because she throws her arms around me

Because she knows to speak softly

When she plays my favorite song

[charliesco11ection]

Death March

You will breathe your last unbeknownst

Body decaying from the moment it left home

Last words e’er spoken

Last words e’er wrote

The fragility of man will fester your bones

The earth shalt swallow you

Eyes, nose, and throat

Enter surrounded

Exit alone

For what is life if not tragically small

What is time if not impossibly long

In a breath, thou forgotten

In a breath, thou did live

In a breath, doth the cycle start

Again and again

But fear not the end

You will sleep safe and sound

Your soul in eternity

Your vessel, underground

[charliesco11ection]

TW: Suicide Implied

I want to remember you as you’d like to be

You left but

I saw your hand in the brushstrokes

On that cold afternoon

And I wish I could have held it

Held your hand

But you were beyond my grasp

Your light was undeniable

But within burned something warmer

Deeper

Dimmer but persistent

Aching to be released

I think you felt it in every step you took

In every word you bit back

In every breath you breathed

It permeated your existence

I’m not sure if you ever decided

If you liked it or not

But it was there regardless

Brushing your hair

Foaming at the mouth

Painting the clouds

Waking you up to the sunrise

I wish I could have been there

I wish I could have seen you

I wish I would have known

That when you turned your head

From the window

That it would be the last time

I ever saw you try to smile

But the first time I saw a glimpse

Of whatever had burrowed inside of you

Call it hope

Madness

Illness

Something

Anything

What was it?

Why did you leave?

Why’d you go?

What was your name on that night?

Were you yourself

That’s not how I want to remember you

Is it even you I remember?

I suppose I’ll say now

What I couldn’t before

Goodbye dear friend

I know you tried

From, Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

Why don’t you check your phone?

You got a message from the girl

That you used to hate

She said she’s doing better

But recently not great

Yeah she’s a fixer-upper

But it’s worth the time

She’s heading off to art school

Majoring in graphic design

If she had talent the way she has problems

Boy, she’d be a full ride

You used to hate her guts

Maybe now you could call her “mine”

She’s checking up on you

The way she always has

She bought you gifts bought you presents

While you were busy smoking grass

She never told your parents

She kept it to herself

Not like she isn’t drinking on weekends

And eyeing pills on the shelf

You kinda find her charming

Wish she wouldn’t cut her hair

She changes with every breakdown

But now no one even stops to stare

So why don’t you check your phone

See if it lights up soon

I know you’re busy with friends

But she’s alone in her room

She’s always kinda liked you

Even drunk and high

Sober she’d still find you

To be a perfect guy

And I know she’s got problems

The way your shower’s got mold

But she’s worth everything

Frankincense, myrrh, and gold

So just be open with her

Please unlock your phone

Just try and talk to her

You’ll both be less alone

-Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

Growing Up

It’s so strange

Sometimes I feel like

I open my eyes

And my bedroom is a little smaller

It’s like when you’re a little kid

And everything is huge

But then you see it again

And it’s small

You just outgrew it

I feel like I’m out growing things everyday

And every day that ticks past

Only makes me bigger

And everything else gets smaller

Slowly

Surely

I grow out of things

I don’t want to leave

I don’t want to see the change when I get back

I mean

That’s why I never killed myself

I don’t want to open my eyes

And for everything that was big

And important

And wonderful

And beautiful

To be small and dingy

Like it always is

And always has been

Once you open your eyes

And see it again

Pretty soon I’ll be out of my parents’ house

This is my last summer here

I’m terrified

But excited

But I don’t

I won’t

I can’t come back here to everything

Being devastatingly the same

Or even worse

Being different

I want time to stop

Or I’ll have to do it myself

It’s gonna be okay kiddo, I’m sure of it- love, Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

Marriage

My sister got engaged today

I’m happy for her

They are in love

But let’s make this about me

Since that’s what I always do

I don’t think I’ll get married

In theory, I’d like to

But what do I have to give them

A body that I’ve harmed

With weapons and obsessions?

A mind I’ve shattered

With pain and addiction?

A laugh that hides

The constant hurt and sadness?

A love that only

Feeds my need to be needed?

A hand that will only hold theirs

When I’m too cold to feel anything at all?

It’s so pathetic it’s almost funny

But I don’t care anymore

I made my peace with it really

I don’t think I’ll ever date

Or kiss

Or hold hands

Or dance

Or get married

It just doesn’t seem fair

To drag someone down with me

When I can’t picture a future

With someone else

At all

All hope isn’t lost, but I don’t think I’m meant to be in love anyway- Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

Cans of redbull

Cups of coffee

You don’t even

Fucking know me

Lie to my face

I’ll lie to yours

Red rusty blades

Behind closed doors

Unwashed sheets

Unmade bed

Showers untaken

Words unsaid

Makeup on

Outfit clean

Present and perform

Insides scream

Calorie counting

Many meals skipped

Body hollow

Slipping grip

Smiles and handshakes

Jokes at the table

At least they’ll be laughing

At my funeral

Coffin empty

I’m in the seats

Watching the speeches

No one gives about me

I deliver my own obituary

I read my own will

To an empty room

Ink spilled

But I’ll be okay

It’s teenage angst

I’ll be fine

I’ll be fine

I’m fine

Don’t worry about me

I’m okay

But still, every day is another reason to keep living- Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

I remember

Being a kid

In a local pizza shop

That’s closed now

Seeing the mini fridge at the front

Full of monster energy

I thought it was a sin to drink it

Now I drink two a day

I think kid-me would be disappointed

But someday she’ll understand

Sorry Charlie- love, you

[charliesco11ection]

Whatever girl it is

That has captured you

Whatever girl you see

With stars obscuring your eyes

Whatever girl it is

Whoever has your heart

I’m sure she’s beautiful, amazing, and lovely

She’s everything I’m not

Whatever girl it is

Whoever it is you chose

Whoever’s hand it is

That in your mind you hold

I’m sure she deserves the world

You decided to give her you

And that’s okay

It’s not up to me anyway

But whatever girl it is

I hope she’s everything

That I never

That I never could be

I’m sure she is beautiful, amazing, lovely, sweet

Kind, honest, smart, and everything

In between

I hope she’s nothing like me

Then I’ll know

I never stood a chance

Whatever girl it is

That has your eyes all blurred

With tears of joy

Every time you think of her

Whoever has your heart

Whoever I am not

I hope you two are happy

I know that I’m not

I’m not that girl

I was never gonna be

With love and best wishes

-Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

A Letter to My Crush

It’s been almost 6 years now... did you know that? Now we’re both moving away for college, far apart; not that it matters, we barely speak. I see glimpses of you all the time, hear your voice as I watch a movie with my best friend, your sister. I think you’re... amazing. I think you’re smart, and sweet, and calm, and pretty, and everything else that I’m not. I think you’re amazing... I already said that- anyway... I like talking to you, watching your sister’s performance together was great. You have good taste in friends too. It’s anxiety-inducing for me to talk to you, but it’s not... awkward somehow. Not awkward like it is with him. I know you don’t like me back though. Doesn’t matter now anyways. I’m really happy for you, that you got into a good school, that you’re excited to go into nursing, that you get to live the next 4 years of your life with your best friends. When I move, I’ll be alone. I’m jealous of course, of all the people you talk to. Of the girl you like. Of the things you have that I don’t think I ever will. But this isn’t about me. It was weird earlier, I felt like I was cheating on my guy friend (he and I... the situation is complicated) we aren’t together so it doesn’t matter but why does talking to you for a few minutes once every few months make me want to stop talking to him? It’s insane... I’m insane... it’s creepy, immature, weird, it’s fucking weird. But After all this time I still like you. So fuck me I guess.

I’m never gonna send this to you, but I still wish you could see it somehow- someone you won’t miss

[charliesco11ection]

When all is said and all is done

It’s just me

Just me is really alone

It hurts to see you two hug and comfort each other when it’s all three of us that are upset- Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

Weary. But here.

Slumped shoulders on a train

Knees shake with such a strain

Somehow you lift your voice to sing

“I’m weary, but I’m here”

Blackened eye and bruised soul

Arms bound by rope, you feel the pull

The bindings slice you, leaving you cold

You’re weary, but you’re here

I stroll and slur drunken

Hooked fully on something

My strength and will nearly nothing

I’m weary, but I’m here

With throats raw, we cry aloud

Hold hands with family you have found

Till the day when six feet underground

We’ll be weary, but we’ll be here

I promise you, I won’t leave yet- Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

Instant Coffee

Sometimes I forget

How much I hate instant coffee

Actually

It ends up being funny

Because I learned to love the flavor

Since it reminds me of you

I drink it at midnight

Caffeine-fueled bad decisions

As I keep thinking about you

I wish you’d text me

I’m too

*Something*

To text you

First

I have a pile of energy drink cans

Sitting on my desk

Three empty mugs

Not a single picture of us

An empty water bottle rattles off the edge

I take another sip

Of my forsaken instant coffee

It’s cold

Just like you

-I still wish you thought of me more, Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

I hope I have a home here

I hope that you and I will last

I hope I have a place to

Finally just

Relax

I hope to see you in the light

I’m sorry my clouds block your sky

But someday I will not hide

I’ll be rid of my pain, sorrow, and fright

I hope that you’ll love me still

I hope I stay in your mind

I hope you move on from here

That’s how life goes by design

I know someday we’ll meet again

Even if I forget your face

Until then, I know I have a friend here

I’m glad that you are my place

I hope I have a home here

I hope that life isn’t always a mess

I’ll try to get better

I hope these feelings finally pass

I hope that I’ll

Be safe

At last

Love, Charlie

[charliesco11ection]

Really kinda wish

That you were awake right now

I want to talk

You’re tired from swim

It’s honestly okay, okay?

I miss talking though

Hopefully we will

Talk tomorrow, or at least... nevermind

See you on Sunday

-Charlie