Chasing Ultra

An Endless Pursuit of Limits

[chasingultra]

“If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.” - R’Mendel of Kotzk ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Our differences are not a reason for division and distance between us. The ways we are different provide the context for who we each are. If we were alone in this world, or living in a world where everyone believed and lived and loved and thought and behaved in exactly the same ways, we would never know who we are. When we look at differences between us and another, we should find reasons to love that person BECAUSE they are different from us. I’m glad you are different from me. It gives us so much more to talk about. Thank you for being you. https://www.instagram.com/p/BvTFC5fhm4O/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1vh9zrbemo6ge

[chasingultra]

2018 was a funny year. My social media presence and my #adventurelife as it was demonstrated to you was not much to speak of most of the year. But behind the scenes, an incredible set of roots grew deeper down, further than I’ve ever felt them reach before. I walked out of a rollercoaster year never having felt more grounded and certain of my desire to ditch the fear and embrace openness and connection. ↞ • ↠ I’m staring down 2019 finally ready to let go of having certain expectations of the year ahead or needing to know what’s going to happen. There are a few things I know and they’re all I need to move forward: it’s time to find the guts to share creative energy, to lean into the people I love, and to do what I can to help heal the divides in the world wherever I can. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bsx1snyh8z-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1gydn7lr4aiwv

[chasingultra]

“Oh, Mirror in the Sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?” ↟↟ I’ve been afraid of changin’ cause I’ve built my life around fear. Each year I’ve chipped away at my shell of avoidance that masquerades as sociability and independence. Each year I’ve made almost methodical, planned progress in areas I chose to change, but this year has thrown method and plans to the wind and reoriented my entire world view. There have been brilliant swells of liberation, discovery, and peace, and there have been troughs of uncertainty, loss, and impermanence. I’ve had many years that were far more challenging than this year has been, but there has rarely been a year that has so thoroughly tested my willingness to let go of what I can’t control. Day after day for weeks I’ve reflected on what I have to say for the last 12 months, and while I feel have less and less to document about my expected contribution to society, I find I have more and more to say about living life and loving the human experience, and I can hardly find a start. Strangely, I’ve found the more I have to say, the less I feel the need to say it all. https://www.instagram.com/p/BrRDpC7B50_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1p5lqesqy9tog

[chasingultra]

The diversity of mountain aesthetics in this world astounds me. #ThrowbackThursday to this year’s trip to one of my favorite places on Earth with some of my favorite people on Earth. 📷: @barefootkakes (or @aswilliams23, I can’t remember) #tbt #alpinebabes #optoutside #wmwranglers https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp-LfkfniH3/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ir34cx4j1hva

[chasingultra]

FIFTY MILES. 264,000 feet. 74,927 steps. 765 minutes. 12 dance breaks. 6 roadside emergency massages. 1 crazy day of pain and laughing and learning. ↞ • ↠ ↞ • ↠ One week ago today I was crossing the finish line, surround by the most incredible people, completing a journey of 50 miles on foot in a single day. I’ve spent the last week absorbing the experience and watching all the little ripples and changes I’ve brought home with me from that desert adventure, and I keep finding myself floored at human capacity. I’m not unusually athletic. I’m not a gifted runner, I’m not particularly physically strong, I don’t have an innate “iron will”. Running this crazy distance isn’t something I was “made for” at all, it’s something I built. But it’s something I built on a foundation of community and connection rather than athleticism. What kept me going and kept me happy every step of this race well after the pain set in was having people who are the salt of the earth by my side supporting me the whole day. Of all the things I experienced over 50 miles of pain and bliss, the biggest takeaway for me personally is that my years of feigned, stubborn “independence” has done me a disservice. Connecting with quality people, serving them, and especially allowing them to serve me provides more strength and staying power than any physical or mental training could ever measure up to. Needing people is not weakness. Being vulnerable is not the same as lacking stability or strength. We simply can’t reach our full potential without each other. And I’ll run 50 painful miles any day if that’s what it takes to remind me of that. ↞ • ↠ ↞ • ↠ To those of you who supported me that day, THANK YOU. You are my rock. All of you. And to those of you who support and encourage me from a distance, whether deliberately or unknowingly, I’m honored to be counted among you. 🏃🏻‍♀️⛰♥️ #ponyexpress50 #dohardthings #ultrarunning #personalgrowth #embracechallenges #butalwayseatmorefries https://www.instagram.com/p/BpawMQuBj1G/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1dwp7hmfwwzsb

[chasingultra]

The first time I ran 50 miles, I was still thawing our from a very cold and isolated time in my life and warming up to a group of people who had metaphorically - and sometimes literally - taken my breath away with their unquestioning acceptance and support. It felt like a privilege to do something so difficult shoulder to shoulder with people like that and I learned a lifetime’s worth about my strength and limits in that single day. ~ ~ ~ ~ Fast forward 3 1/2 years. I’m about to toe the line for my second 50-mile race and I can’t help but reflect on everything that’s happened and all the ways I’ve grown since then. Tomorrow I’ll run 50 miles again but this time with some of my most cherished family and friends alongside me the whole way. Life has thrown a lot of good and a lot of grief my way over the years, and I feel an intense sense of gratitude for the opportunity I have to voluntarily tackle huge challenges like this and to have the space in my life and peace of mind to explore my limits on my own terms. ~ ~ ~ ~ If I don’t die in the desert from overdosing on gummy bears and pickle juice or suffocate on dust from 50 miles of dirt roads, I’ll be back soon to tell you guys all about it. Thanks for being rad. #ponyexpress50 #dohardthings #ultrarunning https://www.instagram.com/p/BpFOwE-FuuX/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1gkgmd7s7fguw

[chasingultra]

I’m either high on Haribo or laughing at my roommate. #winwin ↞ • ↠ No matter where I am, there’s a metric ton of things to be happy about. While I have my legitimately cranky moments, my goal this year has been to spend less time thinking about how it should be and more time focused on what’s great about where I am. What’s been interesting is how sometimes the latter seems to promote the progress of the former. ~ ~ ~ ~ #bepresent #sodeep #noideawhatthatmeans #whydoyouguyshangoutwithme https://www.instagram.com/p/BoktHOhFcVF/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1wvvhiaoijpxk

[chasingultra]

I’ve never been one for pastel emotions. Every feeling starts out fluorescent, and it’s been that way since I was a kid. In junior high I learned that the world isn’t always comfortable with fluorescent expression. I cursed my “big feelings” and blamed the colors for all of the drama and pain in my life. In my twenties I learned how to temper my self-expression down to a level that seemed more tolerable to my peers. Logical was fashionable, and I became a master. On the surface it seemed to calm the waters and I developed a false sense of emotional security that until recently I didn’t realize was actually based entirely on fear: fear of my own color, fear of authentic expression, of being “too much” or too obvious or too vulnerable, fear of admitting just how much I really feel things all the way down because big feelings meant I had too much to lose. When I started climbing mountains, I quickly learned that mountains are the physical embodiment of big feelings. You can’t climb them without feeling brightly, and I found myself feeling more at home on a scrambly ridge line than anywhere else in my life. The mountains gave me permission to be fluorescent again and to blast that color out into the open sky whenever I wanted to. I could jump, yell, laugh, cry, or dance, and somehow it seemed totally acceptable. It made me wonder if maybe we really are meant to be colorful and the world has it backwards, so one by one I’ve been bringing those colors back down the mountain and into my daily life. Sometimes I still hide behind pastel expression because big feelings scare me and fear is a hard habit to break. But bit by bit, I’m relearning that the greatest moments of my life, the moments I feel the most free and alive, are always made up of the brightest emotional colors. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn9GAP7nyhU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=dyapvieo77f8

[chasingultra]

“You want me to land on this rock here, bro?” Levitation is my favorite way to enjoy 13,000-ft summits. So uplifting. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ #wasatchpeakbaggers #gratitudeadventure #alpinebabes #wondermore #mountaintop #humpdayhumor (at Uinta Mountains) https://www.instagram.com/p/BmyXf2DFcJ6/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=f3moju2zhq5t

[chasingultra]

I don’t set a lot of really “big” goals. I get pretty intimidated when I set my sights on a target that *might* be too far out. It feels a bit like looking across the Grand Canyon and trying to spot my destination from 25 miles away. Half the time I have no idea what trail markers to even look for on the way to a big goal. Some people love that about chasing big dreams, but it’s something I struggle with. Managing uncertainty is not historically my strong suit, but it’s one of the things I’m trying to change about my life. I’m constantly reminding myself that fear is an ally, not an enemy. When something scares me, that means it’s important. That means it’s something to give thought to, and whether to embrace it, avoid it, or overcome it is on me to decide. (📷: @barefootkakes) (at Grand Canyon National Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/BmhUGTilbzu/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=8s4turb2ix7p

[chasingultra]

Everyone is a super hero at 13,000 feet. 🦅 #runsteepgethigh #spreadyourwings #kingspeak #gratitudeadventure #wasatchpeakbaggers

[chasingultra]

Ideal vs. Real. How we wish every day was vs. how most days really are. Idyllic summer summits with rainbow welcomes aren’t what most of life is made of. That may be what I see all day every day on social media, but the reality of my every day life is much more like the second photo: stumbling solo through an icy river, with nothing but a wobbly wire to hold onto, dancing around awkwardly trying to figure out where the crap to even put my feet cause I can’t see the freaking stepping stones through the frigid rapids. I’m almost never saying, “Look at this amazing summit I’m standing on! Look at this great thing I did!” I’m more often thinking to myself, “Holy crap.. What the heck am I even doing here? I’m gonna fall right on my face, right in this river, and all my stuff is gonna get ruined, cause I’m clumsy AF.” I actually almost turned back from that river when I realized there wasn’t an easier way around it. That’s me. I’m historically kind of a chicken. This year, I’ve put a lot of work into trying to become someone who crosses the river anyway. I’ll be honest, I’ve made progress in some areas, but it feels like I’ve regressed in even more. That’s kinda life, though, right? All those inspirational speakers we listen to or those cool YouTubers we watch who seem to just be “KILL-ING-IT” all the time? That’s probably them, too. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes the only way to get where we really want to go is to cross the dang river and hike a few gnarly miles in cold, soggy shoes. My goal is to eventually be someone who does it without debating stupid stuff for 10 minutes first. #dontthinktoomuch #workinprogress #keeptrying #gratitudeadventure #runspo

[chasingultra]

The internet is snarking pretty hard right now about how every outdoorsy photo posted by a girl is the same “standing-still-looking-away” shot as everyone else. Fine, here’s one with my face. #whocares #postwhatyouwant #instarepeat #outdoorsyaf

[chasingultra]

I legitimately enjoy emotional disclosure. You know, the kind that makes my armpits sweat a little when I think about sharing something openly that most people don’t. The kind that makes me wonder if people will think I’m nuts when they get a glimpse of how my brain works. The kind that despite the nerves I have beforehand about saying it, always seems to humanize the dynamics cause it’s stuff we all think or feel, we just don’t all feel like we can say it out loud. The kind that makes me want to be more open and frank cause life is too short not to say what I feel the way I feel it and not the way someone else thinks I should feel it. That kind. I love that kind. It makes me feel like I’m gradually getting somewhere that really matters. (at Uinta Mountains)

[chasingultra]

Whatever it is you criticize yourself about, there’s a 99.9999% chance nobody else cares about it. We all have insecurities, so why be insecure about that? // 📸: @barefootkakes #summithairdontcare #personalgrowth #mtnchicks #wasatchrun #runspo #gratitudeadventure

[chasingultra]

I like big peaks and I cannot lie. ⛰🔥 HUMP DAY! I’m particularly a fan of the humps in the background of this photo. What’s getting you through the week?? // 📸: @ultracraig32 #datridgetho #mtnchicks #humpdayvibes #businesstime #likeamountaingirl #runspo (at Mount Superior)

[chasingultra]

Seek out - and work to keep - people who are as invested in gritting it out through your tough days as they are in celebrating your epic days. I’m ridiculously blessed to have more than my share of those people in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel bad for hogging so many good ones to myself. Then I remember how much I love climbing mountains with them and I’m reminded that NOPE. #gratitudeadventure #mypeople 📸: @ultracraig32 • • • #tbt #southsuperior #mtnchicks #likeamountaingirl #runspo #wasatchrun (at Mount Superior)