A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise!
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.Â
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool says in his heart: âThere is no God.â A wise man says it to everyone.
A phone call costs less than you think. Soon itâll cost more than you believe.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A woman is like a tea bag⌠you donât know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctorâs cute then forget the fruit!
Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers!
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Beer: Teaching white people to dance since 1867.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Censorship? We donât have any censorship. If we did, I couldnât say XXXX or XXXX.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Consider the following: The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.
Death is lifeâs way of telling you youâve been fired.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Donât call us âgun nutsâ! With a government like ours, weâd be nuts not to have guns!
Donât hate me because Iâm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Donât hate yourself in the morning â sleep till noon.
Donât worryâŚitâs only kinky the first time.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least itâs the scenic route.Â
Even if you manage to convince me that I am gay, I am NOT going to sleep with you.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Momâs wise words: âDonât pick that up, you donât know where itâs been.â
Everybody needs something to believe. I believe Iâll have another cup of coffee!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days Iâve stayed alive.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Firefighting is like sex; size, equipment, and technique are all important.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards in high heels
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who donât have to do it?Â
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Heck is a place for people who donât believe in gosh.
History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Iâd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Iâd insult you, but youâre not bright enough to notice.
Iâd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I donât want to have to see you everyday
Iâm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Iâm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Iâm trying to see things from your point of view but I just canât get my head that far up my ass.
Iâve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriendâs killer, but no-one will do it.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, Iâm chased by a herd of deer.
I always take life with a grain of salt, âŚplus a slice of lemon, âŚand a shot of tequila.
I can already sense youâre going to be a major obstacle on my path to enlightenment.
I donât have a solution but I admire the problem.
I donât suffer from insanity. Â I enjoy every minute of it.
I like noise. I need noise. When itâs too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.
I like you but I wouldnât want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I like your approach, letâs see your departure
I looked up my wifeâs family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.
I love being married. Itâs so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I was polite today. I said please. Well actually, I said âb*tch pleaseâ⌠But whatever.
If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If I want your opinion, Iâll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If things get any worse, Iâll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If we are what we eat; Iâm cheap, fast, and easy.
If you always take time to stop and smell the roses - sooner or later, youâll inhale a bee.
If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
If you canât say something nice about somebody, then youâve come to the right place.
If youâre happy and you know it, see a shrink.
If youâre not the lead dog, the scenery never changes
In case of rapture, this office will be empty. With the possible exception of the guy in accounting.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In order to keep a true perspective of oneâs importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Instant idiot. Just add alcohol.
Isnât having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It will be a great day when education is paid for and we see the military holding a bake sale to raise funds.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nationâs greatest evilsâpeople who shouldnât drink with people who shouldnât sing.
Learn from your parentsâ mistakes - use birth control!
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.
No woman has ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one Iâve never tried before.
Okay, who put a âstop paymentâ on my reality check?
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. Itâs easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, youâd be paranoid, too.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Prometheus: Wouldnât it have been easier and more convenient to steal the fire from hell?Â
Realityâs the only obstacle to happiness.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training right?
Screw up your life, youâve screwed everything else up.
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The trouble with life is thereâs no background danger music.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Thereâs too much blood in my caffeine system.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Was today really necessary?
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Itâs easier to run with your kilt up than your pants down!
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that most nudists are people you donât want to see naked?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
You know itâs going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Youâre so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldnât come back to you!
