Big Apple a Day

I think I'm hilarious, and so should you

[chelseasbigappleaday]

Major Concerns and Thought Provoking Questions

While I'm super stoked to not being living with girls in an estrogen saturated apartment, I do have some legitimate concerns. (Aside from the obvious like, will this be how I die?)

If I'm living with a boy, who's clothes will I borrow!? I've pretty much always had someone to share clothes and shoes with! 

If I can't borrow shoes and clothes, will I at least get some feedback as to what I should were?

I spent all day watching ANTM yesterday. Who's gonna watch and make fun of bad TV and movies with me?!  If I can somehow convince him, will he get emotionally invested in whatever it is we're watching and yell things like "WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BIOTCH KRISTIN?" and "Tyra girl, you crazy!" or "You gave CLAIRE a rose?! Are you on CRACK!" at the TV? 

Can I still wear my retainer? That's a silly question. Nothing can stand in the way of proper orthodontia.

Can I still listen to the Spice Girls to get me psyched in the morning?

What if I wanna eat my feelings and watch Titanic or make fun of Twilight? 

Yes, girls are the worst but sometimes they are necessary. I am very fortunate to have the girl roommates that I've had in the past...

[chelseasbigappleaday]

Obligatory Fun Days

Happy New Year everyone. 

I meant to write this post yesterday but I was busy watching documentaries and drinking Corona by myself. Yesterday was New Years Eve or the quintessential "Obligatory Fun Day." Allow me to elaborate. There are certain days during the calendar year that we as humans feel obligated to have fun: New Years Eve, Halloween, Friday, Saturday, any night described as a "girls night." These are days/nights where if you don't have plans or anything that society deems as "fun" to do, you're made out to look like a big fat loser. Now listen, the fact that I never do anything on NYE does not define me as a loser. I can think about 50 other things that define me as a loser. 

So if you did nothing, never do anything and don't plan on doing anything on any of these Days of Obligatory Fun, have no fear! You are not alone! 

Also on a completely unrelated note: Happy 90th Birthday Bob Baker!

[chelseasbigappleaday]

I'm Gonna Be a Disney Princess!

So this is a little overdue but last week I accepted a job in Orlando, Florida. That means I'm moving to Florida! Yay me!

The end. 

[chelseasbigappleaday]

Kid Say the Darnest Things. Part 2

Me- What did you ask Santa for?

O- a stuffed little mouse

J- a stuffed kitty

A- a stuffed person

C- a stuffed person?!

A- yeah! Like a boy!

Apparently she was panicking and couldn't come up with anything. I don't blame her. Santa is one intimidating SOB.

[chelseasbigappleaday]

The Master of Rejection

So my last night in the city (which keep in mind was a Wednesday) me and my posse' decided to do one of our favorite things: drink and objectify men! (it's a joke ok, for anyone reading this and getting offended, don't). We go to one of my favorite places in the city to hit on my favorite bartender in the city. In the past, I've made myself look like a darn fool at this place in front of this particular bartender, lets call him Dan Humphrey so I was determined to play it cool and be subtle. These are two things I am not good at. Now, a little history: depending on who you ask (most everyone), they will tell you that the interest was mutual. However, if you ask me I will tell you it wasn't. I am 98% sure Mr. Humphrey thinks I'm a loud, obnoxious, attention seeking whore. And he's not totally wrong! (except the whore part, I'm not a whore). Was he entertained by me? Yeah probably, I'm a freak who isn't entertained by a freak show. But that was pretty much the extent of it in my opinion. 

At the end of the night I was determined to maintain my dignity, but my friends (who suck) (just kidding I love you guuuuuuyzzzz!) had other plans. I had jokingly written on my receipt "for old time sake (my digits)". THIS, for the record, was my way of poking fun at myself since I had left my number numerous times and was unsuccessful. It was my way of saying "I get it, you're not interested. I'm a freak. But this has become our (ok, my) little tradition." I thought it was subtle, which it was but not obvious, which it needed to be. I can never balance the two. Back to my friends having other plans. When we left, my two friends told me to go back up to the bar and just straight up ask him to his face. I was NOT game for this. There are three things in the world I hate most: 1. Taylor Swift 2. Girls Nights 3. Rejection. I was pretty sure I would be walking right into #3 but somehow (pizza) they got me to do it (pizza).

Long story just a little bit shorter, I was rejected and the words "I appreciate your persistence" were uttered. It was one of the most embarrassing and ballsy moments of my life. So much for maintaining my dignity.

Moral of the story, don't leave your number for the bartender unless you are really drunk. Just kidding. That's not the moral of the story. Don't leave your number for the bartender (even if he is one of the top 3 most beautiful people you've ever seen AND talked to) because you're better than that. That and I wanted to share with you my second most embarrassing moment that I'm willing to share with the world. If you're lucky, I'll share with you my MOST embarrassing story.

I really hope my grandma didn't read this post

[chelseasbigappleaday]

Kourtney and Khelsea Take New York

Just kidding, my name is spelled with a "C" just like Courtney should be spelled with a "C". Also, to my knowledge I did not spend any time with anyone names Courtney (or Kourtney for that matter) this past week.

But I DID go to New York! Partially (ok, mostly) for my sanity and partially because I wanted to see what was out there. Let me explain, I'm still unemployed which SUCKS, but I've had several people in New York contact me about babysitting their kids. Yes, people trust me with their kids and kids generally like me. I think it's because I'm basically a child wrapped up in a pre-pubescent boys body... Wait... That can't be right... 

Anyway, I went out to meet some of these families and investigate the living situation. A girl can only mooch off her friends in the annex for so long until the security guards start to get suspicious. "I thought that chick left" they'll say, confused to the seamless guy dropping off their buffalo wings.

During my time there I realized that even though I'm a little rusty I can still navigate the MTA like a BOSS which is a good thing because as I've mentioned before, behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle is not where I belong. 

During my short stay in the city I met up with a lot of my old posse'. Some of them tried offering me some award winning advice like: "Have you applied to hospitals outside of Manhattan? Like, Brooklyn or Queens?" "You can TOTALLY find a place in Brooklyn or Astoria for under $700" "No! Why would you think your roommate would try to watch you in your sleep or convince you to star in their low-budget porno movies!" "You should just buy a one way ticket to New York!" "You could DEFINITELY be a nanny in the city" 

Listen guys, I know you're only trying to help and I get that... But I've literally been home for over 3 months with a LOT of time on my hands. I've given this some thought.

In the end, I don't know if I'm moving back to New York because I don't know if I'm going to get a job as a dietitian. I hope I do since I spent thousands of dollars on this degree and internship but apparently my hopes and dreams don't matter. Just kidding. Thats a really grim thought to end on. How about this.

[chelseasbigappleaday]

Kids Say the Darnest Things

More quotes from everyones favorite triplets!

Me: "I love you little brother so much, I think I might just steal him" A: "Well if you wanna steal him then you're gonna have to change his stinky diapers!" Me: "Thats ok, I don't mind" A: "Well then your gonna have to get up in the middle of the night and feed him!" Me: "Thats ok, I don't mind"J: "But you can't feed him cause you don't got no milk in your boobs!" 

Oh, so now I HAVE boobs. pshhh

Me: "O, what's your favorite animal" O: "A doggy and a zebra kissing and hugging!"

Me: "Your brother is just so cute! I wanna take him home with me!" A: "If you want a baby so bad why don't you just tell your mom to get one in her belly!"

Thats all for now. Hopefully more to come!

[chelseasbigappleaday]

I hope you had time to recover New York cause...

Well, not quite Slim Shady, but I am coming back to New York for a couple days! So tell a friend! 

Holler! I'm so excited!

[sizvideos]

Video

[originalbrainsofwolves]

fuck man

[miss-mouth-blog]

From the mouths of babes.

[uglyassprettyboy]

Damn…

[damndandy-deactivated20150923]

Beautiful

[chelseasbigappleaday]

Just in case you missed it, the Jurassic World trailer came out and its going to be fan-freaking-tastic. It's the perfect combination of dinos, Chris Pratt, seaworld, and a science experiment gone bad. 

HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS!

[chelseasbigappleaday]

Mental Illness vs. Physical Illness

So a friend of mind on the Facebook recently posted this article and I gotta say I thought it was brilliant. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/13/mental-illness-physical-i_n_6145156.html) It is by Lindsay Holmes with the Huffington Post. My favorite part was the cartoon (duh.) As some who's life has been affected (effected? never really sure what the correct one is) by mental illness, I find this article very thought provoking.

[chelseasbigappleaday]

The Babysitting Diaries

I could go into excruciating and depressing detail about how I am still living at home and my "job" is babysitting my young cousins but I'll spare you.

I've decided that since my life is kind of on hold and nothing truly exciting is happening that I'm going to start blogging about the crazy things these kids do and say. I adore all these kids; they are hilarious and some of the stuff they say is just too good not to share. 

You may recall me mentioning them in previous posts, triplets: A, J, and O (all girls) but heres a twist: theres ANOTHER munchkin added to the bunch, baby boy E who is about 9 months old and is hands down the most adorable child of all time. 

Along with babysitting, I also have a nephew, L who is 100% the sweetest little boy and 100% crazy monkey.

So here you are... Oh! and P.S. the girls can't really say their L's or R's. In general they come out as W's so keep that in mind while reading.

"Chelsea (pronounced Chewsea) do you have boobs?"-A "Umm, can you not tell" -Me "Well it doesn't look much like you got boobs" -J "Yes she does! She's a girl and girls have boobs!" -O

"What happened to all the owies on your face?" -O "I covered them up with make-up" -Me "Oh! You should wear make-up more often" -O

"E is so cute! He's almost as cute as a donut!" -O

...almost...

"We are always interested in knowing what E's poop looks like" -J

"Is that the only reason you girls like me? Because my parent's have a pool?" -Me "YEAH!" -All 3 in unison

"Who's your favorite aunt?" -Me, "Aunt Sandy" -A, "Why?" -Me "Because she's got that pool!" -A

[chelseasbigappleaday]

I Left My Heart in New York City

I started writing this little ditty last week with intentions of submitting it to the Man Repeller Writers Club but wasn't able to finish it by the deadline they had posted. Shocking, I know. I wanted to finish it and posted it on my blog. The theme was: "Whatever it is for you — he/she/they/we/it/cat/blob — we want to know about The One That Got Away." 

Have you ever been in love? A person, a pet, your bed, a sandwich? All you want to do is be with that person, place or thing. Knowing that other people are enjoying what it is you love makes you physically sick and irrationally angry.  Overhear It being brought up in casual conversation? You immediately invite yourself to be a part of that conversation, ignoring all social norms. Anytime someone even attempts to throw shade at this missing piece of your soul you automatically get defensive and want get all up in their grill and scream “HOW DARE YOU!” as if they if they just told the most offensive “Yo mamma” joke.

 This friends, is how I feel about New York City. My infatuation with New York City began at the ripe old age of nine. In the spring of 2013 I was accepted to a fancy shmancy internship be in the heart of the Big Apple. For 13 years I had admired the city from afar but now I was actually living in the most amazing city in the world. Unfortunately, after one year of living in this dream world my internship came to an end and I was left with no money, no job, no place to live, and no choice but to move back in with my parents in painfully small town in the middle of Michigan. I was crushed.  I don’t belong in a small farm town. I belong in a city. I belong in a city where I never have to drive again. I belong in a city where a two year olds wardrobe costs more than my college tuition. I belong in a city where I can be Dr. Nikki Shaw one night and Catherine Zepaida the next. I belong in a city of small dogs, hipsters, orthodox Jews, overpriced coffee and questionable meat from street vendors. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not incredibly wealthy or talented (but I am a terrible driver so the subway system is important) but New York City is a place where everyone, including myself belongs if they truly want to.

 Life was not by any means easy in New York City, in fact it was probably the most difficult year of my existence but there was nowhere in the world I would have rather been. I feel in love with the city and everything it had to offer, including its almost comical way of kicking you while you’re down. In the end it was all worth it.

[chelseasbigappleaday]

I'm an RD!

Passed my exam in Tuesday so now I'm officially a Registered Dietitian. 

[chelseasbigappleaday]

19 Facebook Milestone Updates The World Actually Needs

What do you mean I can't be married to my cat?

So I've been whining a lot about Facebook lately and how people only post happy positive things in their life and when you're going through a rut like me it really sucks. Anyway, I found this little ditty while perusing the interwebs and it really really hit home. 

[rd2befeels]

When someone goes "Wait. You're a dietetic intern/nutrition student and you eat like THAT?"

[rd2befeels]

This happened again recently, so I’m reblogging from myself.

[rd2befeels]

To everyone starting school or an internship