Thought of the time I was invited by some friends to go play pokemon go in Odessa and i remembered as we were driving off i was wanting to tell him never mind and that I wanted to go back to you at Christian’s. I regretted not trusting my instincts that pleaded me to ask him to turn around but I froze. I didn’t say anything. I rode in the vehicle and felt my string that was wrapped around my heart and tethered to yours getting stretched. The moment I sat down all I could think about you was you. All I could think about was how you weren’t by my side.
Suddenly I didn’t care about pokemon anymore. I didn’t care about Odessa. I didn’t give a fuck about the people I was with. I realized that the only thing that mattered to me deeply was you.
Yet I remained frozen stuck in my thoughts of you as I do to this day.
I regretted arriving in Odessa the long ride there took forever and the pain of being without you was there but I didn’t interpret that this is how my life would feel without you. How lifeless, how meaningless, how joyless it would be without you. Nevertheless I would eventually learn the hard way.
I tried to make the most of life that day without you by distracting myself with company and distracting myself with pokemon and even tried skating to make the pain and heartache go away and even that didn’t work and I ended up being hurt physically that day. I tried a truck down a gap and landed on my ankle. It’s almost as if that’s what I deserved for abandoning you at Christian’s. It was like karma. It was like that’s what I deserved for hurting you, and even for hurting my own heart as well.
I never told you this and I never knew how tbh I just tried to push that day the furthest part of my mind. So I wouldn’t have to relive all the pain I had endured and all the pain I had inflicted on you. You’re all I thought of and when I got hurt I felt too embarrassed to tell you. I felt ashamed. I felt like I deserved that pain and then some. I couldn’t walk anymore that day. I was out for a week or 2.
I think about you and days like that often. I think about how many times I never got to explain things to you. I think about how I could never find the words to do so when I needed them most they always seemed to elude me when I needed them desperately. I think about how most of the time something felt like it was stretching us thin there was an explanation or reason for me doing the things that I did and most of the time they were stupid reasons and how I regretted most of them especially if it was distancing you. Because I never wanted to be far from you. I’ve always wanted to be by your side. I would die for you then and almost died when I realized I couldn’t be by your side any longer. I didn’t want to be alive or exist in a world without you. It’s 2025 now 2016 feels like just yesterday when we would hold each other and love each other deeply and yet that feeling that I got the first time I left you that sick to my stomach gut wrenching regret feeling, that feeling of being lonely and how lifeless and meaningless everything feels without you snaps me back to reality. I realize that those feelings are all I’ve known for many years and I have carried them with me everyday since you have been gone.
Time moves on my but the wound has yet to heal.
I wish I could’ve found the words I so desperately searched for to remind you of why you loved me to remind you of how kind and caring I was, how much i believed in you and in any dreams you had that I trusted and supported them and had faith in them and that you could attain them. How I loved you so dearly and deeply and how I would and could never stop loving you. How I would always love you no matter what, no matter where, and no matter when I would always love you always.
Life has kept going and I’ve carried all this regret and all this pain and emptiness with me for so long. I’m very tired and I know I have to wake up again without you tomorrow but I hope I don’t. I hope I go to sleep tonight and dream of that day I left Christian’s to go play pokemon go with ectur in od and this time I’ll joyfully, blissfully, excitedly decline him and get to spend the rest of my life with you there in my dreams and this time I hope I never wake up again.
