how did my ancestors survive the brutal unforgiving wilderness when I get anxiety sweats from going to Target
to be fair im sure your ancestors would have the exact same reaction going to a Target
Mike Driver
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@chialetriangleface
how did my ancestors survive the brutal unforgiving wilderness when I get anxiety sweats from going to Target
to be fair im sure your ancestors would have the exact same reaction going to a Target
What if the sun doesn’t actually hurt vampires?
Vampires are just nocturnal, the same way we are diurnal. A vampire could go out during the day, but they would just rather be sleeping.
Vampires are just afraid of the light, the same way we are afraid of the dark. Their eyes are meant to see in the dark, so they just can’t see very well in the light. It hurts their eyes and they can’t see what’s around them, so it’s just scary.
Some vampire was probably too afraid to admit that he was afraid of the light, so he made up a fake allergy to the sun. Word got out to mortals, so we just assumed that all vampires are allergic to the sun. You know how mortals like to stereotype and whatnot.
But imagine pop, sunny vampires that are the vampire version of goth, dark humans. They like to go out in the sun and wear bright clothes, and the other vampires think it’s metal as fuck. “Oh, you know Victoria Anne III? Yeah she’s totally pop. Her friends call her Susan.”
I fucking love this
when vampires fuck up they just pretend to be dead for a century and honestly, power move
waiter: enjoy your meal
me: you too!
me: …
me: *sleeps until everyone i know is dead*
Okay but like I work as a waitress and this is actually a pleasant thing to hear, i’m eating eventually, thank you for wanting me to enjoy my meal too
this changes everything
op is a wicked tricksy thief who STOLE the precious from us but go off we guess
April Fool’s pranks written by neural network
On April 1, people play pranks on one another, and a well-designed hilarious-but-harmless prank is a true work of art. There are lists of pranks online for inspiration, but there are only so many of these, and what do you do if your target has already read the same lists?
I train algorithms called neural networks to write humor - usually inadvertent, as they try to name paint colors or invent pies or design candy heart messages. Once I tried to train a neural network to tell knock-knock jokes, to mixed success.
I wanted to find out if I could get a neural network to invent new April Fool’s pranks. I collected pranks from internet lists until I got tired of it - but because each list only had a few, I gave up after I had collected only 132 entries. This is a pitifully small dataset, especially for sentences. I set up a special-purpose neural net for this, with lots of smarts but a very short memory. As I hoped, it learned individual words and phrasing from the dataset, but rearranged them into new combinations.
The result: pranks that they will never expect, and will never understand.
Place a pair of pants and shoes in your ice dispenser.
Put marbles in the refrigerator.
A meat and mashed potato sundae makes for quite the hand soap dispenser.
Put a glow stick in a toilet paper into the toe of your kid’s shoes.
Conference call two people then, when, when your kid asks what it is, say “Dinner.”
Try using old clothes to pee.
Glue all the eggs in the hubcaps of someone’s computer.
Put marbles in the hand soap dispenser.
Put food coloring in the mailbox.
Take the door knob off your kid’s shoes.
Hide an alarm clock in someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
Hide all of the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
Putting googly eyes on someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
If you rip up a toilet paper roll, then leave them a ransom note.
Serve up a glass of juice in the fridge!
Place a pair of pants and shoes in Easter egg foils.
Rearrange somebody while pretending to pee.
Fill in this form, and I’ll email you more rejected April Fool’s pranks that make even less sense.
The Horse
Btw I have a Patreon if you wanna see more stuff behind the curtain! http://www.patreon.com/LoadingArtist
favorite scooby-doo character? <33333
Y’know, for a long time, it was this background guy…
…but despite his resplendent majesty, a new rival…
…Dapper Chickenhead…
…gives him a real run for his money.
Tough call. Fashion advice and free eggs, versus… um… whatever it is the first guy would give? Discount on overalls? Taxidermy lessons– actually, y’know what, I don’t want to know.
–Colin (photo blog | instagram)
This is genuinely hilarious
me: *googles how to mash potatoes*
some food blogger: My childhood home was full of wind and light. On a brisk Autumn evening, it often felt as if the outside was in. My younger sister, my mother, our favourite cousin, our dog, our other dog, our dog’s sister, and I would sit on the floor in the living room for hours, lit only by the moon and candlelight
me: *scrolls for several minutes*
some food blogger: It was at that moment, with my tiny hands clasped tightly around a mason jar filled with fireflies, that I realised the true value of family. My dog and my dog’s sister came and sat quietly at my feet. We stared up at the sky together, and I felt truly connected to both the Earth at my feet and the ancestors who shared the blood that ran through them, for the first time realising that
me: *scrolls for several minutes*
some food blogger: and when we finally made it home, our cheeks flushed with laughter and cold, there were warm mashed potatoes waiting for us. I will always remember their fluffiness, perfectly mirroring the light feeling I carried with me for the entire next week. This is my favourite cousin’s recipe from that very day, modified slightly to not be fucking awful. Boil an potato and smush it up with fork and botter. NOT A RAW, Salt, pepepr. In it
Please fire me. The other day while I was on the cash register I was ringing through this woman’s purchase (which was just a cat toy). She was going on and on about how crazy her ‘kitten’ was and sometimes unmanageable, to which I just laughed along… you know the old small talk. Anyways, as she was leaving and I handed her her change she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “No one ever told me that kittens become cats.”
instead of being human can I be a kind forest spirit who just fulfills wanderers wishes
Reblog to support your local lesbian farmers
the doctors said i have to have my gamer gland removed :(
Can someone explain this to me, i just got out of surgery