First thing's First...
I'm starting this page to kind of get all my thoughts, feelings, fears and all that out into the world. I want to help and inspire others. I want them to heal just as I am working on healing.
Here's a quick run down of why I am in the position I'm in. It's a story I've actually gotten bored telling, but it's necessary to understand why I have the trauma and attachment style that I do.
In 2006, I started dating a guy who would become my husband two years later. From the start, there were obvious red flags that I should have paid attention to, but I was a stubborn kid. I hadn't met many guys who admitted to liking me and the couple who did, I just wasn't attracted to them.
I thought this guy was the love of my life. Turns out he was the narc of my life. I stayed way beyond the relationship's expiration date. We were together, in total, nearly 16 years. We divorced in 2020. During the marriage, he constantly put me down in joke form, he cheated, lied, hid stuff from me, sabotaged plans, broke down all my boundaries, was disrespectful, wouldn't stand up for me, played the victim, gaslit me, took advantage of me physically and then insult the results of his actions, emotionally manipulated me, was super hot and cold with me, emotionally abandoned me for long periods of time, threatened to leave me constantly, threatened to kill himself if I wanted out, love bombing was a big thing with him as well. The list goes on, but like I said the narrative has come to a point for me where it's exhausting to think or talk about
Fast forward to today. I met a man who I love and turns out those toxic habits that were used on me, I use them now. This hurt the man I love very deeply. I ended things with him because I couldn't keep hurting him like that. He's one who will endure the world and I don't want to be the one to continuously break his world. So then I started a healing journey; not just for him, but mainly for me. It was him who made me realize I actually did need help. I've gotten a lot of confirmation that this time it will stick and I believe it.
Novemeber 9, 2022, there was a shift in my entire being. I woke up and felt like my body and mind were upgraded. There was no feelings of pain and anxiety (yes these things still happen, but not on the same scale as before).
I had already been reading a lot of books about changing your mindset, praying, meditating, isolating, looking deep, journaling, and practicing cognitive behavioral therapy. I then came across a therapist who suggested looking into the attachment style theory. So I took the quiz and I was shocked honestly. I thought I'd be one of the common types, but nope. It turns out because of the extended time in an abusive relationship, I had developed the rarest attachment style which is a combination of both of the common ones.
It now made sense to me why my ex boyfriend was constantly saying I was hot and cold toward him. I didn't even know it was happening. It was something I was so used to being a part of that I didn't know I was doing it independently of my ex husband. I didn't even know it was a problem then, but it makes sense now.
So I am setting a specific goal for myself:
Blog 3 times a week about my journey and healing progress.
I hope you will follow along, share your experience or start your own journey. Had you told me 2 month ago that I would be in the mental space I am now, I would not have believed you. That's how helpless I felt back then, but healing is possible! You can retrain your mind, heal and learn to love the person you are!