It’s July 3rd. And I’m ending this 365 project at this time.
I think this project broke back in August when I paused it for 6 months. It was meant to always be a way to grow emotionally and creatively but I can no longer see or capture the beauty around me. There are huge gaps in this project, mostly due to large moments of pain.
I’ve missed days, I’ve mixed and matched photos and quotes and lately I don’t edit these without a preset.
This project started in 2015 as a way to find myself and to identify what I needed - sort of like a blueprint of my very complex and very broken brain. But when I look back through it I don’t see progress or enlightenment. I see someone who’s been losing parts of herself despite her trying her hardest.
And the truth is that I am lost. No next step feels right. I’m a child, with no knowledge. Maybe this is what a worldwide pandemic, two failed relationships, an 8 year friendship at breaking point and the realisation that I’ll never have a family reduces you to. The idea that you’re not good enough and you never will be.
So Alba, if in another 5 years when you’re about to turn 32 you’re somehow still here, please do me a favour and start your 3rd 365 Project telling me how you did it. Maybe then this 27 year old will finally find some answers.