Chick Hicks

My tombstone, these things, in this order: Racing Legend, Piston Cup Champion, Gorgeous Mustache Holder, "You know the twins?"

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EXTRA EXTRA! PIXAR/DISNEY DOCTOR FILM, FIX RACE! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

“Say it ain’t so, Joe”

Many have been lead to believe that the first running of the Dinoco 400 was a three way tie. This has been supported by leaked footage of the race officials replay booth film. However, film acquired by sources preferring to stay anonymous has now confirmed that Chick Hicks was the actual, sole winner of the Dinoco 400. As seen below, in a frame by frame analysis, we can clearly see that prior to any car breaking the plane, Chick has a 2 pixel lead on The King. After all cars break the plane, we see that Chick has a 3 pixel lead on all cars. By using the Law of Averages we can infer that Chick Hicks had to have been the sole winner, and that the footage used to determine the race was clearly doctored footage, pre-filmed by Pixar executives who wanted to see the race re-run in order to gain more airtime for their sponsors in order to save their floundering company.

Figure 1. Chick Ahead Of The King By 2 Pixel Lead

Figure 2. Chick Leading All Cars Across The Finish Line By 3 Pixels

This shameful (and quite easily debunked) lie resulted in the race being re-run, many more hours of sponsored air time for race enthusiasts, and significant losses for all racers involved. At this time we move to have Pixar answer for its obvious and heavy handed involvement in the delivery of the race footage to the judges booth.

Figure 3. Clearly Doctored Footage Being Reviewed On Race Day

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And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

But seriously, these last couple months have been rough, and I just want to thank all my sponsors for going above and beyond to support the greatest race car of all time: me.

htB especially, couldn’t have done any of this without the funding and support of Hostile Takeover Bank, but in addition, a few others who deserve thanks are: Tank Coat™, Shifty©, RPM® (Nighttime Backfire Suppressant), No Stall©, Easy Idle™, Octane Gain™, Vatoline®, Clutch Aid©, Mood Springs™, Fiber Fuel®, Sludgee™, Lightyear Tires©, and Yum©. 

I could go on but these are all the ones really supporting me at this time.

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And they call Strip Weathers the “Weather Man”

For totally accurate and 100% reliable predictions, get it straight from the champ’s mouth.

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Lap Times

Some people are looking at the lap times from The Race of The Century over the weekend, and casting doubts about whether or not I’m actually the fastest car out there. And I get it, it’s probably pretty hard for you people to wrap your head gaskets around the concept of racing. But at the end of the day, what it boils down to is this: you can be entirely without a single lap where you’re the “fastest car”, but if your average lap time is better than everyone else’s, you cross the finish line first. And at the end of the day, nobody remembers the “Fastest Car of Lap 143″; they remember the “Piston Cup Champion”: me.

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I Dig It

Chris Cagle once said that the only justification you need for doing something, is because I dig it. And to be honest, I dig that. “Say it with me, cachigachigachiga.”