TRYING TO GET BETTER

French gurl/24yo🏳️‍🌈 on a recovery path, slow but steady

[hcnnibal]

guy who says grace before doing a line of coke

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I feel full of dread recently, technically I am supposed to be happy; because I have what I need and I take steps to slowly regain control over my life and my future, but I don’t feel happy.

During the last days, even weeks I didn’t really engage in my usual habits regarding my eating disorder, although I still had the same thoughts about what I want to achieve.

I want to lose weight, I want to dress well, I want to stop making excuses, I want to stop overeating, overspending, overreacting. I finally want to “fix” everything that I see as faulty, dirty in myself.

At this point it feels almost sarcastic to try again, no write down new rules for myself, new goals, because I failed time and time again and there is always that voice that tells me: “You won’t succeed”

I am going to try anyway. I am going to try slower and hope that more realm for realism will keep me able to get through it and make it a habit. I will ignore when that voice comments on how I could work harder, could have results quicker; because I know it’s a trap. I know pushing myself to hard doesn’t make me stronger, it makes me give up and binge, it makes me manipulate me own success. Denying myself on chocolate bar I would enjoy consciously won’t make me succeed.

I don’t think I am recovering in anyway because the only reason I try to approach things more balanced is to reach my deeply disordered ideal but I think it’s better than before or now.

[chihirosan]

Am I… healthy ?

Hi hello hey, been a long time since I've been there…

I now have a full time job which I love, great colleges/friends, my own appartment and… a rather healthy life ?

I go to the gym 3/time a week bc now I have money for the gym, I exercise for pleasure (and bc I still want a snatched waist ngl) and I eat almost without counting.

And omg I feel so free, I haven't weight myself since I moved out so I have no idea how much I weight but I rather measure with my clothes and how I feel, and I feel great. I wanted to come back here bc well you're never 100% recovered and I love me some unhealthy tumblr but I'm not going back to my bullshit, never I hope.

Wishing the best to all the struggling souls out there <3

[chihirosan]

Tomorrow I’m starting again my healthy habits, getting up early and going to the swimming pool to workout, not drinking and eating healthy

[chihirosan]

Things that help me feel less anxious about traveling

I always feel really anxious when traveling, I have a sort of fear of missing something when I’m not there, and also I’m always picturing what could go wrong and really stressing about money (when I can purchase 100€ of clothes in one stand like it’s nothing) so I have a few tricks that can help when you are in the same case…

I always plan all of my week before departure : what I’m gonna do say to day before leaving for my vacation

I always plan the vacation, even if I know it’s not going to be like this it calms me down to do this, my best friend knows it and always tries to tell me what we are going to do when arrived

I always make a really precise list of all I’m going to put in my suitcase

Looking up food that’ll be there and their calories to be unbothered and unstressed when I have to order at a restaurant

Elaborating a financial plan, money is one of the thing that makes me the most anxious so I like planning what my bank account will look like when I come back (I have a problem with impulsive decisions bc of my disease so I spend a lot of money for nothing and I struggle to control it)

Hope it can help some of you during this periode of traveling, will had some if I can think of it, stay safe

[chihirosan]

Finally told my mom everything, from my ED, depression to my cocaine addiction. Feels so good to finally let everything out

[chihirosan]

So I’ve actually been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which also explain my Ed… and with my new meds apparently everything should fall into place. After 10 years of suffering I finally know why I’m like I am, that I’m not a monster and that my feelings are valid. I hope this constant feeling of emptiness and anger and the constant need to kill myself will finally go away, I need it so much. I can’t take it anymore

[chihirosan]

My boyfriend broke up with me by message and I saw him yesterday at the train station with a new girl. I’m in such pain I think that triggered my suicide attempt as well…

[chihirosan]

TW SUICIDE

I’m back from the hospital, I threw myself under a car last night during a manic phase. I tried to strangle my best friend. I’m going to have new meds bc now I’m diagnosted with bipolarity disorder with extreme paranoia. It’s my 7th suicide attempt. My parents are so loving and I feel so bad to do that to them, my mum took some days off work to take care of me. I hope the new meds will finally make me happy…

[chihirosan]

Pizza (lol)

[chihirosan]

✨Spicy fried tofu ✨

So i have a new obsession which is this recipe, it’s Korean with two main ingredients : tofu and Gochujang. I made it today and calculated all the calories in it

✨It’s 400 for two servings✨

I know it’s pretty high for some people but it’s so filling and comforting. You can eat it with konjac noodles for a 220 calories meal or on its own for 400 or with rice like I did for 395 (I ate 130g of rice).

You will need

125g of tofu (182 calories)

Oil to fry the tofu and the onion(60 calories)

One onion (I didn’t have any today so I used shallots : 20 calories)

Gochujang paste (80 calories for one spoon)

Sesame oil (for a toasty taste : one spoon : 45 calories)

soy sauce and rice vinegar (one spoon each, maybe more for vinegar, I added nuoc mam because I love the taste)

Water for the marinade (very important or else it will just be a paste)

You first fry the tofu and the onion in an lightly oiled pan, then you put it on a absorbant paper and you put it back in the pan with the marinade, I did a video so you understand better.

Hope you enjoy it, keeps me full until dinner and it’s really comforting and healthy. Stay safe ❤️ here you can find a pic of the finish dish and a video with the steps

[chihirosan]

I had sex yesterday, been a really long time (5/6 months) because I couldn’t bare being seen naked by someone, but I managed to deal with the fear. It was awesome, had a date with a guy from tinder who was so cute and nice. Really proud of myself for managing my fear, I love sex but hating your body makes it so difficult. I’m always picturing the worst like the person is going to kick me out of their house because I’m too fat for them or something. Normal stuff cool cool cool cool.

[chihirosan]

Also idk if I’m the only one, but I’m bi and I love girls etc but it’s been so hard for me to be in intimate relationship with girls because I always think they are better looking than me and find me disgusting and gross compared to them.

[chihirosan]

I had sex yesterday, been a really long time (5/6 months) because I couldn’t bare being seen naked by someone, but I managed to deal with the fear. It was awesome, had a date with a guy from tinder who was so cute and nice. Really proud of myself for managing my fear, I love sex but hating your body makes it so difficult. I’m always picturing the worst like the person is going to kick me out of their house because I’m too fat for them or something. Normal stuff cool cool cool cool.

[chihirosan]

I started eating again in October this year, first I regained a lot of weight, « lost my progress » as you can say, but feeding myself properly as led me to be on the top of my class, getting the best grades I’ve ever had, having amazing ideas for my work and my end of the year school project, upgrade my mood, made me want to exercise for pleasure and health rather than for punishment or because I need a excuse to be able to eat. I had to learn to eat again, try to listen to my body, and I’m still learning and I can relapse at every moment. I’m not telling you what to do I just want to exteriorise this.

Eating is not « bad », it shouldn’t be seen as something other than it’s really is, something that you need and that can also give you pleasure. My body well, I’m still learning to like it or change it in an healthier way. It’s slow and what used to take 1 month to loose, I’m taking 4/5 month to loose it, but I won’t gain it back as soon as I’m done, I can eat and I have to remind myself that one day at 3000 calories because I celebrated the end of my student life doesn’t set me back. Calories should not be counted on days anyway it’s too irregular.

I don’t think any of this is coherent or means anything but I needed to talk and vent

[chihirosan]

Monthly Body check

Still doing my healthyish weight loss (exercising and eating more calories than I used to -> around 1500 per day) it’s really hard to force myself to eat more and frustrating because I know I could do it faster but I want to be healthy and maintain my weight loss. I feel really fat and bloated, taking pics every month kind of helps because I don’t feel like I’m loosing weight (I lost like 1 kg) since last month. Since I’m doing a lot of weight training and HIIT I think I’m just loosing fat which is good. I had a really hard month, it’s the last week of my whole scholarship so really stressful (lots of stressbinges). But I maintained the efforts And I will continue, even if it’s really slow and hard.

First pic 31st of January 2021, second one : 28th of February 2021. (I also lost like 2 skin tones apparently). Gained some booty as well. I hope my stomach fat will be gone by June.

[chihirosan]

this might be a stupid question but when you say oignon powder do you mean onion because i have no idea what oignon is and i can't find anything online about it

Yesss sorry I’m French we like to complicate words

[chihirosan]

I hate being on my period I just can’t stop eating crap, fortunately this will be over in 2 days but man come on