Worlds: aPart

Random Views From The Edge(s)

[chikes]

"Do you know that you're glowing?"

A woman with grateful tears glistening in her eyes asked me.  I started.  She continued, "I really sense God's Spirit in you, like you're glowing from it!"  I was touched - and taken aback.  Because I didn't do anything special.  I just asked her to come sit for awhile so we can sign some forms together.

Later, as I was having a quiet moment, I felt a storm brewing inside of me.  Strong emotions, mixed emotions, profound emotions filled my heart.  An old question, marinated in insecurity and doubt, came ghosting back: But, I'm queer, LORD.  Silence.  Then, a still small Voice spoke: My Spirit is within you.  And you are Mine. 

Upon hearing those words of love, I felt tears welling up in my own eyes.

That night, my mother asked me about my ex.  At the mention of his name, feelings of rejection and pain bubbled up to the surface.  This was the man who said he was okay with my sexual orientation before we dated, told me he loved me and wanted to marry me while we dated, and then broke up with me because it turned out he needed a wife who agreed with him on this issue - that homosexuality is unequivocally (with no shades of grey in between) wrong.  He told me that all the people he spoke to thought this was demonic.  Because of my views on homosexuality, he questioned whether 10 years down the road I would change my mind about adultery and think it was okay (and I guess cheat on him or something).  I tried to be patient; I prayed and prayed.  In the end, I knew I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me.  I had enough understanding of God's image in me, and thus self-respect to let go.  However, the wounds were deep.  Healing also takes time and a lot of love.  So, when my mom asked me about him, more gunk surfaced.

And at that moment, I knew.

God had spoken through the woman and in my heart earlier that day because He knew that this would happen.  That I would be triggered and hurt again.  That I would feel unlovable and rejected again.  That I would question His love and acceptance of me again.

And He wanted me to know what the truth really was and IS: "Do you know that you're glowing?"  My Spirit is within you.  And you are Mine.

Moreover, I think He wanted me to know that He sees me, really sees me, and that He cares truly, deeply about me.

That at the mention of His name, I would feel not rejection or pain, but all His passionate delight - for me. Thank you, Papa.  I love you, too.  Amen.

[chikes]

I Love My Mama, and My Mama Loves Me

It didn't always feel like this. 

In fact, two and a half years ago, I couldn't be in the same room as my mother without feeling deeply hurt, and rejected.  Why?  Because I had just come out to her, and she had reacted - badly.  My sister tried to stick up for me.  But, my mother - a traditional, conservative, black-and-white, Chinese Christian woman - was adamant that I was wrong.  Very wrong.

What else could I do?  To protect myself and to give myself time to heal, I chose not to speak to my mother for a spell.  I spent as little time as I could with her, only having lunch with my parents when they visited, and only staying for a few days during Christmas holidays when I visited.  I set boundaries that were as high as the mountains.  No trespassing, I announced through my actions and absences.

But slowly, as healing and acceptance seeped deeper into the brokenness of my heart, God's love washed away all the painful barbs and lies, and soothed my very soul.  I could forgive.  I could reach out again.  I could risk to share, and ask again, "How do you feel about it now?"

A year and a half had passed since our tumultuous exchange.  My mother looked at me and said, "It's okay." Meaning, she explained, as long as we can agree to disagree, not trying to change each others' minds on this issue, she was okay with it.  This is where she was at the moment.  I respected that.

This past week, my mother came to visit me; she stayed a few days.  While grocery shopping in Chinatown, an elderly woman witnessed our warm interaction, and she said approvingly to my mother, "You are a very good mother!  And," she added wistfully, "you have a good and filial daughter."

My mother turned to the woman and, smiling, responded, "My daughter - she's a special one.  Ever since she was young, she's always been special..."

This is why I love my mama, and how I know my mama loves me.

[chikes]

Rainy day in my heart...

but waiting for a rainbow

[chikes]

[chikes]

let's stop criminalizing the victims and survivors! fight c-31!

[chikes]

Esp. for all the Canadians

[chikes]

I love how Jesus responded to this woman of John 8!  When the scribes and Pharisees brought her before him to be condemned, Jesus bent down and started writing on the ground.  Why?  I like one interpretation: So to draw the attention of the crowds away from the humiliated woman.  Then He said to them: "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her."  After which, he bent down a second time to write on the ground.  Why?  My interpretation:  Even He, the only One without sin, refused to condemn her.  In case she or any of us missed that, He told her loud-and-clear, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."

LORD, thank You that You first accept me with no condemnation, then You exhort me to repentance - for it is Your loving kindness that leads me away from sin and towards You.  Help me love others like this, too.  Amen.

[chikes]

Just watched this film here - heart-wrenching but hopeful... 

A prayer: LORD, please protect my queer Muslim brothers and sisters who live in perpetual fear for their lives.  Please comfort and strengthen them.  Please shelter them inside Your love.  Amen.

[chikes]

Love, by Jaeson Ma

[chikes]

Visit Original Link

rainy vancouver day, vanilla rooibos tea, and listening to jack johnson.  last time i listened to this album was another rainy day - in tianjin, china...

[chikes]

feeling like a crabby hermit today...

[chikes]

On Coming Out

(my post in response to a christian father's reflections on his lesbian daughter coming out)

Dear Dr. Lingenfelter,

Thank you for sharing such a profoundly personal experience. Both you and your family are courageous to tell your stories so honestly and openly, especially on such a divisive and emotionally-charged issue. Your acceptance and love for your daughter after she came out to you touched me deeply. It is the reaction I had hoped for when I came out to my Christian parents, but sadly did not receive. Because you see, I too, am queer and Christian.

Only in the last 3 years have I been able to walk honestly and openly with God and my community on this journey. It was extremely difficult to deal with the judgment, pity, and marginalization at first. I was in such despair, I contemplated suicide. But God helped me walk on with Him. And when I couldn’t do anything but crumple into a heap and cry for days and months, He carried me – one loving step at a time. I came to a point where there was nothing left but Jesus. And how He responded to me – with such compassion and grace! – made me love Him even more.

My coming-out journey is transforming me. Many of my greatest fears happened during this time – I was rejected, judged, condemned, treated as defective or at best second class, patronized, completely misunderstood, made to feel utterly alone (and even dumped by a hetero man because of my sexual orientation). But what has been AMAZING is that through all these fearful, painful, and shame-provoking experiences, God proved to be the strength of my heart and my very Life. Because of Him, I can be healed, and I can forgive and extend grace to others. I did not turn bitter or hard. If anything, I have a greater capacity now to feel compassion for, reach out to, and walk in solidarity with the oppressed, the ostracized, “the least of these.” Through coming out, I’ve also become more secure in the love of God, and more confident as the beautiful woman and daughter He passionately delights in.

The most AMAZING part about my coming out process: JESUS. Like I said, I’ve fallen more in love with Him. Through the darkest and ugliest stretch of my lived experience thus far, I came to see that Jesus is indeed the most beautiful Person in the whole world and the kindest Person I know. I love Him more now than I ever have before.

[chikes]

word.

[chikes]

It's okay to struggle. Because it means you're alive. If you don't struggle - you're dead.

my Aunt May

[chikes]

Opportunity

It's been almost 6 months since the break-up.  It was a hard break-up. 

And last night, I dreamt of him.  I don't think I've ever dreamt of him before.  In my dream, it was like when we were together: he was passionate and loving in the beginning, then suddenly, unpredictably, like the wind, he was...  gone.  I couldn't find him; I was confused; I didn't know where he had disappeared to.

Then, I woke up.  With a sense of sadness, covering me.  Still.  Again.

But, it wasn't a terrible, heavy or stifling sadness.  It felt lighter than before:  It was a fog, a mist - and, like the wind that is here one moment, I know in the the next moment it will be...   gone.

Now:  I will not rush things.  I will not run away.  I will sit quietly in this moment, where the vapour tangles and entwines me in its temporary embrace.  I will wait.  Courageously, I will wait for the moment, where these wispy shadows will loosen their grip, pull back, and melt away predictably - in the light of the Son.

LORD Jesus, thank you for another opportunity:  to experience the depth of my humanity, and to experience You as the strength of my heart.  Amen. 

[chikes]

When I told my friends that I was asked to speak at the International Day Against Homophobia breakfast, they said, great! 'cos that's the type of breakfast they were most against - homophobia breakfast.

Kelly Worrall, at the 8th Annual IDAHO event sponsored by Vancity and Qmunity

[chikes]

Happy International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia!!