TMI, whining, rambling, leaving this account
Whining: Life isn't fair, I miss Dani and wish I was smart enough to actually know what to do besides scream at Skype, I just want something to make sense for awhile, I hate having to swallow my thoughts and I hate being such an embarrassment all the time.
Rambling: I'm gonna fail another class this semester, only the one if I'm lucky. I'm scared and I'm convinced Mom really is going to hate me. I wish I could stop being so sexual with Macho because I value him more than that and yet I seem to lack the ability to think with anything other than my uterus. I wish I could understand my parents but the things they keep expecting of me don't make any sense and they think I'm being obstinant but I don't understand and I can't help it and I'd fake it if they'd just be plain and tell me what they wanted me to do instead of asking after the fact like I'm some retard brain damage child who is intentionally being stupid just to make their lives more difficult. I wish I would get out and exercise, but I cant work out for the sake of working out and society says I'm to old to go out and just roll in the grass or play pretend or have fun, but I still want to and I don't understand why I can't. I'm fat and bad at keeping deadlines and I wrecked my mom and it ruined my family and I'm the reason no one visits and I hate myself so much sometimes I can't stand it. I can't witness to anyone, I don't even know what I'm doing. I never pray anymore or talk to anyone else who's a christian. I can't even sit by anyone in church because I'm scared what they think of me. And apparently even that's embarrassing, and I'm just doing it because I don't want to upset mom. And it makes me sick that the only time she didn't comment on me not sitting still at the end was the time I got so frustrated I scratched my hand and accidentally ripped the skin. I look at the scars every Sunday and wish I could do it again. I hate that I like pain and miss cutting and don't understand why it's so bad to bleed. I hate that I love teaching, but there's no place to do it. I don't know how to handle money or pay bills or loans or rent. I don't have any skills that I can use and I don't know how to apply for jobs or make money or be independent. I hate the culture I'm living in and I hate seeing people hurt by it and I hate that no matter how much I help them it will never be enough. I hate that I still swear and mock people and snap when I'm angry. I want to set a good example, but I'm alone and I can't do it alone.
Leaving this account: I'm starting over, same account name (Chimerachick) I want to have a nice, appropriate blog that I could show my parents without being ashamed of myself.
