WATASHIWA

[chinchowder]

Conditional love

I think growing up with conditional love screws you up in odd ways.

[chinchowder]

How are you feeling?

I don't know what else to tell you other than: 1) I go to bed feeling empty, usually after some crying 2) I dream of the happiest impossibilities 3) I wake up wondering why I am still breathing 4) My heart stays heavy 5) I engage in self-destructive habits and anticipate the end of everything

[chinchowder]

Not good enough for you

It's not resentment, it's enlightenment. After all these years, the patterns have become clear to me. Ironically such revelation happens at the state of mind where I am not fully awake nor conscious. I have always, always been finding things to blame on you when I feel unfulfilled. it has never occurred to me that the reason I am unfulfilled is because of myself. I am a twisted person with little genuineness and sincerity. The self I portray to people - they are fake. I am constantly on the stage, adjusting to different people and scenarios. My true self is despicable and disgusting and mean and horrific. You have been way too good to me. You shouldn't have fell for a person like me. Don't let me ruin your ideal life.

[chinchowder]

How did I fucking come to this deep dark place again. Fuck

[chinchowder]

The world should stop today

[chinchowder]

You know how you think your world is going well and everything is smooth-sailing? And then it stops. You realise how fucking sad you are. Never living up to expectations. Never going to be loved unconditionally. Never accepted for who you really are. I feel like vomiting as I write this. You. No. I. I thought doing this would make a difference. I thought perhaps you are the one. Fucking poured my heart out. I have never fucking trust someone so easily before. What a fucking mistake. How fucking wrong. You are a nobody to him. You don't matter. Keep up the facade you can't let your guard down. Nobody truly cares. You are alone. You have always been alone. All alone. Nobody really loves you, stop dreaming. Love. What a distant word.

[chinchowder]

Stop

Stop fucking look for the one person to make you whole. Stop fucking dream about the impossible. Stop fucking give away your deepest fears Stop fucking have expectations Nobody fucking cares about you You have no one. Please. Don't look for anyone. There is no one. No one at all.

[chinchowder]

So fucking helpless

[chinchowder]

Attachment lottery?

I would argue that besides genetic lottery and the luck of being born in a well off family, there's something even more important: a nurturing environment in your developmental years. I was an insecure-ambivalent type child and today it has affected my relationship and my sense of self quite badly. I would love to change my attachment style to an "earned secure attachment" but man it's really tiring having to battle with my negative thoughts and not letting it ruin my relationship. And honestly, how many people in the world can stand somebody so insecure and needy, and not be tired out? Anyways, I'm still fighting my devils and will keep on fighting. The waves of negative emotions are strong and intrusive but I will have to let them take a backseat as I dive head in and immerse myself in more meaningful work. This is the only coping method I know right now. Logical thinking just can't stop the bleeding heart sometimes. Distraction helps, really.

[chinchowder]

Because no amount of money can buy back those I've lost.

[chinchowder]

I can't

I cant even begin to describe this deep, dark feeling that everything is going wrong. That deep, dark sadness that keeps haunting me wouldn't let me free. I cant gain the strength to fight it. It's winning over me. I am losing all hope and I cant wait to get it done with.

[chinchowder]

Alone

Alone again. My space is filled with people I don't wish to associate with. My mind is filled with thoughts so vile I can't escape from. The future is a cold, dark, empty tunnel and I refuse to take a step in.

[chinchowder]

I want to explain to you that it's not your family or you I'm against. It's these negative thoughts and negative feelings I have today. They just wouldn't leave no matter how I try to convince them otherwise. I'm tired of this body too. But you're not listening. You never were. So it's fine. Let us leave it that way.

[chinchowder]

Spirituality

There's an emptiness that fills me as I have come to realise that I am on the side of a non-believer and as hard as I may try, a part of me tells me that it's not real. This part which believes has been silenced and I have nothing to turn to for radical hope. It's very empty and insecure. It's like I have lost hope and dependency. Now, I have to stand on my own.

[chinchowder]

Beneath the laughter and haze

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Love when you’re ready not when you’re lonely.

Unknown (via psych2go)

[chinchowder]

You're so busy protecting your possession you forgot to look at me.