I've always been a worrier, the 'I have to understand how this is going to happen, otherwise I will panic myself to death' kind of person. Being in control is one of my strongest suits, and sometimes the fear of not being in control, or things not going the way I had designed them to go, or things just appearing to deviate from the plans in my head would cause me untold grief. I've said that the second half of last year was tough, but the last quarter of the year was incredibly hellish, for someone who thought her aunt passing in 2013 was the toughest she'd ever see. There were too many stressors at the same time and I remember flailing, fighting despondency, yet refusing (vehemently, lol) to admit I was in trouble. On the surface, people wanted to live my life - to travel, take fancy pictures, give speeches, turn up, bla bla - but sometimes even I didn't want to live my life. I remember @Chude offering me his therapist, my very loud "there's nothing wrong with me", and then my inability to speak when I finally rang her. All I could do was cry. (BTW, I love you Chude. Always have, always will). This year, I've tried to be intentional about my mental health, my peace of mind, my joy. I've turned down (good) work at the slightest hint of 'there's disrespect or wahala in the future of this', I'm working on closure with a few things, and I'm creating time for myself to stop, breathe, have fun, and bask in the love people show me. The #Joy retreat was a gift to myself, and something I feel incredibly blessed to have attended. I hoped it wouldn't hold (🤣🤣🤣🤣) because I didn't want to be vulnerable, but also because Chude refused to tell us the agenda and so I couldn't prepare myself to be in control. Na wa. But, it held. And it was beautiful, in every shade beautiful can be. We all talked, we cried (I know I did), we questioned, we searched, and we worshipped. I learned things about myself, I learned things about protecting my joy, and I felt and still feel loved by God in a way I've never felt before. It's everything. I wouldn't trade last weekend for anything, thank you Chude. https://www.instagram.com/p/BzHxa4bHn0A/?igshid=80lbjop7fbw8
dailybridgerton
titsay
gummygunk
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
areudirty
snowghoul
romaincrisis