i think i just got dumped lol...
by a friend haha
tw: depression, ed, suicidal ideations, toxic relationships, codependency?
it’s not a a direct dumping situation, but more of a mutual agreement/fight that we’re very bad for eachother. so at this point, it’s just a gradual falling out from here.
yk people talk about friendship breakups a lot, and i’ve had m’y fair share of falling outs, but this one really hurt. it’s so sad to know that you and someone close to you are drifting apart. but it’s kind of like i knew from the start. our friendship wasn’t the healthiest, it was primarily based on my codependency and then helping me through my depression, ED, etc. they were basically the only person that really cared for me, that i had an emotionally intimate connection with, that i truly opened up to. bc of how codependent and attached i got, i talk all the assholery and shitty behavior they would give me. i was such an omega haha (that was our inside joke lol). anyway, it really shows how depressions and mental health can fuck a relationship. i feel like if i don’t open up to someone about my issues, we have a meaningless connection because i can’t be honest with them. and let’s say i do open up to them, 9/10 they can’t provide the emotional support i need (bc they’re not a therapist duh). let’s say i do find someone i can be vulnerable with and they give me good support, i just start dumping everything on them. i start attaching to them, and there comes my codependency. i start thinking “no one else is gonna have a deep connection with me like this”, “people who care are rare, i just have to endure it”, “i can change them” (you can never change them), “i don’t have the energy to open up like this again”.
and since most people aren’t therapists, there comes a point into the relationship where there emotional support isn’t enough. well, it’s not that they’re not enough, but they can only do so much. there comes a point where the only person who can help you is a professional. in my situation, i can’t get a therapists anytime soon. so all i can rely is on that one person, and that’s a lot of responsibility for someone to carry. they start feeling guilty about not being able to help you any further, they start worrying about wether you’ll stay alive every night, they have to deal with your emotional outbursts, they get frustrated, they say the wrong thing. and sometimes you as a depressed person may sometimes say manipulative things without realizing it, and it’s not your intention either. you start saying things like “you’re the only reason i’m alive”, “i cant live without you” (i.e codependency supreme). and then the cycle continues...
at this point i’ve been so lonely all my life, meeting this friend last year changed me as a person. but at one point it just stopped working how it should have. there was no healthy give and take. i started realizing “i don’t even care for this person, i care for the vulnerability they give me” i confirmed this because as soon as they dumped me, i was already looking for the next person to latch onto. sometimes i just feel like a fucking leech. i feel like i’m being ungrateful for not accepting the love that’s being given to me, all bc it’s not what i want. i think the problem is me expecting someone else in my life to “heal me” or at least help. i think is because this person who just dumped me was the beginning of my healing journey. they was literally the only person that i’ve ever bebe this vulnerable with.
it was a complicated relationship but i’ll never regret it. but it also made my fear of being alone heighten. when i met them, i felt like i was unlikable, but i was okay with it? i was very unpopular and shy, and she was your standard popular kid. we met during quarantine so it was just me and them. during that time, they gave me all the confidence i could get, and my social skills got way better. i’m naturally an extroverted person, i just didn’t have the confidence. being friends with people like them was my dream throughout my freshmen year. so now, in my junior year, i started making more friends. the people who i hated, but secretly wanted to be, all started talking to me and i had the confidence to talk to them. i felt and still feel like i’m putting on a persona though. i deal with people i don’t like. i’m not honest. i’m slowly becoming a pushover. all because of my fear of not being liked and alone. all of these connections felt vague, and fake. there was no emotional connection. it was exhausting to put up a front in front of all these people.
(context: the main friend i’m talking about goes to a different school)
so when i would go back to my person, it felt comforting and real. now that they’re leaving my life, i feel empty. i’m honestly so tired of people leaving my life. i genuinely feel like i’ll never have a connection like this again. sometimes i think that it’s not worth it at this point. im tired of people coming and going. im tired of being left alone to cry. my suicidal thoughts get worse. i just want to end it. healing is so painful. it takes so much time. and i’m just so tired. it’s taking a toll on my life and i’m so tired of it.
anyway, codependency and an anxious attachment style sucks. and this is why you stay away from scorpios.
anyway, i’m getting a new phone. share your excitement for me please bc i have no more friends 😄😄
