#codependant

[nobleelfwarrior]

“I’m an empath”

No you’re not. You’re codependent with no emotional boundaries, so you take on the feeling of others because if they’re not ok, you’re not ok. It’s not healthy. It’s not something to be proud of. Go to therapy and learn to be your own person.

Either that you have the “mind blowing” ability to empathize with others or recognize others emotional reactions.

Either way, this isn’t magical and you need therapy to recognize your own humanity or the humanity of others.

[zelphafrost]

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-boundaries-in-awkward-situations-with-strangers/

“Before we dive in, let’s get clear on five key principles for boundary-setting:

When we refuse to set a boundary, we prioritize other people’s comfort over our own needs. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of putting ourselves first. It’s a great way to break the people-pleasing habit and practice the art of self-care and verbal self-defense.

Difficult honesty is not unkindness. It’s not mean to stand up for yourself. It’s actually the most truthful and authentic way to interact with others.

You can manage your boundaries or manage other people’s feelings, but you can’t do both. The bottom line is, your boundaries might make people feel frustrated or resentful. That burden is not yours to bear. As the saying goes, “The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.”

It’s not your job to protect people from feeling uncomfortable. Remember: the folks imposing on your space aren’t giving your comfort a second thought—so don’t twist yourself into knots trying to protect their feelings. As Registered Clinical Counselor Jordan Pickell says, “It makes sense for people to feel bad and weird when they have crossed a line.”

Safety first. If you ever feel unsafe or threatened, do whatever you need to do to get to safety. Don’t be a boundary-setting hero.

For consistency, the examples below use “Bob” as the generic name of our boundary-violator. However, folks of all genders, ages, races, etc., violate boundaries.

Certain suggested phrases are direct and firm. Others are lighter and playful. Experiment with the language to find the tone that works best for you.”

[creatingnikki]

You are your own person. Repeat it every time it is tempting to forget. The way it feels when he kisses your fingertips. The way he holds your face in his palms. The way he looks at you. Beautiful and soft and sincere. I know, it's dreamy. I know, it's real. Which makes it even more dreamy. But you are your own person. As is he. When we meet someone, we don't just come with our present. We don't just come with our emotions for each other. We come with our past and our future. And with all these emotions we have for other people and things and ideas. So. He might pull your hair in a way that is hot as he kisses you. And he might always find ways to reach for your hand when you're together. But. But. Listen. He is his own person. There will be nights when you will light all the scented candles and set the reed diffusers and fluff up the throw pillows and turn on all the yellow lights that make everything in your room feel like you are in a movie frame. And yet he won't be there. He will be on a call with his friend. Or having a difficult conversation with his dad. Or stressing about work. Or just hanging out with this other girl. He is his own person. As are you. So, no, continue lighting the candles. Let the reed diffusers be. Go plop on the throw pillows and put on your favourite songs. Read about cryptocurrency. Call that friend who always makes you feel precious. Write. Do your thing. You are your own person. No matter how many of your smiles these past few weeks you owe him and his existence. No matter. He is more than you. You are more than him. Okay? Okay.

[kimchicuddles]

Not taking the ticket Thank you so much for supporting my work! PATREON patreon.com/kimchicuddles COMMISSIONS TikvaWolf.com/services BOOKS TikvaWolf.com/books DONATE venmo.com/tikvawolf text reads: When someone I love with all my heart is trapped in a loop and keeps trying to pull me back onto that rollercoaster, it's hard to remember I don't need to take the ticket. And when it feels impossible to stop loving them,It's ok because I don't have to. My love is mine, and I can keep that part as long as I want to. I can cherish the fullness of my heart as I leave the theme park completely. And I can keep my heart open as I build myself a sturdier house on solid ground.

[family-trauma]

I didn't know such a thing existed. I always thought that being heavily dependent and controlled in a way was normal. Until after I started reading about such things and educating myself more about codependency and unhealthy mannerisms of attachment that I realized what sort of reality I had been growing up in. I still am constantly learning new things everyday in the hope that it's able to restore my self confidence and esteem.

[moonsquaremars]

Why can’t I fix him?

Why is my love not enough? He had feelings for me. That is unarguable. his borderline personality disorder must have kicked in. maybe he was scared, felt unloveable. scared i would abandon him. so he self sabotaged cuz that was the safer bet for him.

but didn’t he see how understanding i was? how much i wanted to take care of him? didn’t he see the stars in my eyes, the expression of pure happiness just lying next to him?

maybe he got greedy. maybe he didn’t want to be tied down. saw how happy i made him, and figured he could do better. get more. have more sex with others. maybe i made him feel too attractive and desirable.

his hypocrisy. watching my grindr usage. sending me snarky remarks on a burner account. replying “who else” when i told him i loved him. i would have pushed every one to the side for him. i mean that. whenever i used the same tricks he used on me, it became an issue.

& he never said i love you back. started calling me codependent. he’s probably right there, but it takes two to tango.

the fact he has a history of this. dating violence. always preying on skinny young twinks with “daddy issues”. who doesn’t have daddy issues. it’s really not fair to reduce love and sexual attraction to that. it is what it is. not one person has a perfect relationship with both their parents. what is the use in trying to distort the pure love and happiness he provided me.

you told me you didn’t ask for another chance. you didn’t ask for me to give you the benefit of the doubt. harsh, true. am i a fool for giving it to you?

i won’t be a fool for letting you get away with this. the people of your past may not have held you accountable with the law. but i will. im not letting you push me around. break my phone and my heart, and walk away feeling like top dog who can do and have whatever he wants.

you had me big guy. and i had you. those seven weeks feel like a dream that i never want to wake up from. we could have built a life. i wanted so desperately to build a life with you.

you asked how i would kill you when we were joking around about that stuff. i said i wouldn’t, because i wanted to live with you. live.

that answer surprised even me. im dark, twisted. have a cruel sense of humor at times. but i don’t act on those thoughts. i can resist those impulses. i don’t want that for my life. i guess you’re not the same in that regard.

i believe everyone is a good person. turns out people aren’t as simple as that. there is part of you that is good. but that part hid away, and someone new is now in your body. i don’t know if it’s from your drug use, or bpd. i don’t know what it is.

it really doesn’t matter to me anymore, since we’ll never ever be together anymore. and that is what im mad about most. the fact you’re probably one of the most handsome men i’ve ever seen. the list goes on the ways you turned me on.

we were such a good match. but now it’s over. and you ruined all chances of there being something more. and that’s what makes me want to hate you. i wish i could hate you.

my error was thinking you wanted better for yourself. my error was assuming we had similar goals and outlooks on life. in many ways we did. and the fact you were such an asshole kinda turned me on. but you’re vicious and cruel, even to someone who loves you.

i don’t know what went wrong to make you this way. i wish i knew. i wish i could change it. i wish i could go back in time, and prevent whatever happened to make you this way.

you were my dream. and now you’re my nightmare. and i hate the idea that now i’m gonna have to spend my life with somebody else. if i survive you. and that we didn’t get enough time together.

[notyourplayertwo]

Look at this infographic on identifying and ending codependency I just whipped up. I’m quite proud of it! Since tumblr alt text works much different than what I’m used to, I’ll add alt text here.

How to END CODEPENDENCY

Ending a codependent relationship requires first identifying it:

GIVERS:

• feel lost or lonely when they're by themselves

• are afraid of being rejected or abandoned

• define their worth through another's eyes

• are unable to find their own worth or identity

• boost low self-esteem by comparing themselves to a dysfunctional partner

TAKERS:

• their poor functioning brings them much needed love, care, and concern

• an enabler's consistent support reduces the pressure to mature or advance their life skills or confidence

• they become highly dependent on the enabler to satisfy needs normally met by multiple close relationships

SIGNS YOU'RE IN A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP

• Inability to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person

• Staying with a partner in spite of recognizing their unhealthy behaviors

• Giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health

HOW TO END A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP

• take ownership and set boundaries

• Let go and detach from the problems of addiction

• Change your focus onto yourself

• Reach out for help and support

PRACTICE SELF CARE

Tune in to your body and mind so it can tell you what it needs, then do exactly that!

Self care charges your batteries; it isn't indulgent. It may be uncomfortable to focus on yourself at first. That’s okay! Practice makes perfect!