Turtles Films Ranked By Quality Of Turtleyness
Turtleyness™: Good Characterization Of The Turtles, Individually And As A Unit
7) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
There is no third film in Ba Sing Se. Cute little random Mikey moments don’t make up for this horrible atrocity. Too many empty zingers, not enough real character. No nutritional content whatsoever- empty calories, and not even tasty. I liked the kappa implications, at least.
6) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
We don’t talk about this one. A spectacularly written Raphael (with a historic climactic monologue- a desperately needed admission, long time coming!) cannot balance out the worst-written Michelangelo in the history of Turtles media. The backstory is so botched that even the nicely handled inter-turtle interactions and shockingly superb acting can’t save it. The ‘Batman voice’ was cute, though, and Buck-Buck. This film wins at establishing their mutual history. Too bad it does little else within the story itself, as it loses focus pre-climax to make room for a stale April. Shoutout to the singularly badass snow fight scene, though! And props to Johnny Knoxville for a personal surprise dark horse- one of the best Leos in the franchise. I just wish that they hadn’t included Hollaback Girl. Yeesh.
I count this one as a film, okay? And in any case, this one still ranks because of it’s huge dependence on comparing/contrasting characterization (Turtleyness) as a definable element, both for storytelling and for crucial thematic flavor. And it somehow pulls it off. The introduction of a canon Turtleverse blesses us with official multiverse terminology as well as proof of self-aware writing on the creators’ part. In terms of quantity, there can never be a film stocked with more inter-Turtles interaction. My favorite elements include the worshipful handling of the Turtles Prime, the meta commentary on Donatello’s role as the deus ex machina, and the one single time in Turtles film history where Michelangelo, of all people, becomes the straight man- and to great effect, too! The best part? 2k3!Raphael getting knocked down a peg by both 1987!Raphael and Raphael Prime 1984. A necessary addition to any self-respecting Shellhead’s Turtles films collection.
4) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze
This is Don in his prime, an oft-neglected character in his well-deserved spotlight, both the day-saving brain and the internal philosophical diegesis. (Where else have the creators been brave enough to address the Turtles’ existential crises?) Raphael works enormously well when given a younger character to play off of, conveniently in the form of a receptive Ernie Reyes Jr. Michelangelo is graced with some of his funniest lines to date, and Leonardo works as the backbone of it all- straight man, setup and the one who holds it all together. No character is wasted in this relatively tight screenplay. No complains here, not even for the damn Traditional Pre-Fight Doughnut. And hey… Shoutout to Vanilla Ice.
The terrible plot can be forgiven, and the idiotic premise can be forgotten. Here are the Turtles at their best within one of the ballsiest speculative arcs in Turtle media. Incredibly well-done tension and banter, a startlingly honest look at their internal structure, a specific and consistent tone, and the single best individual inter-turtle conflict scene in the franchise so far (the Rooftop Fight). Really great individual lines as well- shoutout to Raph’s monologue to Casey and the banter during the construction site fight. Splinter- legendary. Rigging- a nightmare. Voice acting- superb.
2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
Go ahead and hate me, they were handled perfectly in this film. Okay, the plot still sucks. So what? The individual Turtles were given incredibly characterful lines and their arcs were handled in a surprisingly fair manner. I don’t care if they were ugly, and we’ve already established that Liebesman!Michelangelo is an atrocity. I can forgive that. The Turtles’ internal struggles and interactions as a family were on-point here and you can quote me on that. I’m honestly so impressed at this film’s ability to pull off a comedy relief Raph, a protective Don, a sensitive Mikey and a completely flawed Leo, sides to the Turtles that are rarely shown and yet crucial to their personalities. It’s a shitty film, yes- but filled with incredible Turtles moments. (Props to a shockingly well-written April. And I can’t believe Bebop and Rocksteady saved 2016.) I can’t hate this film. It’s too cute. And I don’t know if I’m sorry for it or not.
1) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
The quintessential Turtles. Classic Raph arc, classic inter-turtle relationships, characterful dialogue and solid hints of true 3D personality. Props for That Scene with Don and Mikey waiting for the pizza (one of my favorite bits of subtle writing in the entire series) and the Kodak Moment. And yes, I am admittedly biased, but who cares? This film established so much in terms of Turtles semiotics and canon/fanon that nobody can doubt its importance to the franchise. It’s Michelangelo in his prime, timeless comedy and true tension in the face of a real upheaval in their young lives. One of my favorite recurring bits of dialogue: their post-fight banter. The stark difference between their stilted, juvenile back-and-forth at the beginning of the film and their more confident and inclusive exchange at the end makes everything worth it.
(Disclaimer: This ranking is subjective. I’ll still fight you on this. Square up, nerds.)
